dont call me ash.

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by Pablo, May 9, 2004.

  1. Pablo

    Pablo Member

    I recall thinking I was a new life

    seeing the sky now clear of smoke

    feeling like it had been a nightmare

    that had now passed



    For the time dazed into innocence

    too blank to wonder where I was

    or to remember that the last thing i knew

    was that I was going to die

    a painful coward's death



    The world was me, the blue above and a wisp of cloud

    then pain crept into this world

    first in my legs, as a numb sort of sting

    I couldn’t power my body to lift my head and look

    when I tried, more pain

    in my back and chest

    then worse, my mind brought back what had happened



    I saw it again, and I felt the heat

    an inferno that took away all senses guidance

    the dark smoke and the roar

    i had panicked and lost my way

    fallen to the fire and lay dieing



    Why then did I see

    the dead don’t see

    i felt now like a broken toy

    no control of my destiny

    not a thought in my head I could control

    so I left them to argue while I watched



    It was me

    I started it

    it was a mistake

    I destroyed

    everything

    How could

    I

    be so

    foolish



    My head lifted

    I thought it had just now

    gotten its signal to rise

    that I had tried a minute ago

    It was without effort



    The sound of loud wind stopped

    though I hadn’t felt any wind

    fingers snapped before my face

    a voice spoke

    a compassionate voice

    A local accent

    Come on boy be alive, please



    As if I just noticed that I were not trying

    I breathed and i could see real again

    and I noticed why

    it had held back the pain

    first numbness rang through me

    then my body parts put in their complaints



    I felt I could speak

    I think I’m gonna be ok

    I couldn’t see this voices face

    yeh you're gonna be fine man
     
  2. I like the rhythm and espically the analogy to a broken toy. The way the poem switches from calm to hell-like environment to heaven-like environment remindes me of The Divine Comedy.
     
  3. Pablo

    Pablo Member

    thanks, but why the frown?
     
  4. Sorry, it was supposed to be a thumbs up, I edited it.
     
  5. veinglory

    veinglory Member

    I like the narrative, but the spelling mistakes, small 'i's and missing apostrophe are distracting in my opinion.
     
  6. Pablo

    Pablo Member

    is that better?
     
  7. veinglory

    veinglory Member

    Yes.


    This is an interesting narrative. there are some turns of phrase that are very effective. I like the last line slipping into dialogue.

    I still don't like the small 'i's -- but that's just me

    (coward[']s)
     
  8. Pablo

    Pablo Member

    thanks, i guess i missed some errors, how about now? hehe.
     

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