I recall thinking I was a new life seeing the sky now clear of smoke feeling like it had been a nightmare that had now passed For the time dazed into innocence too blank to wonder where I was or to remember that the last thing i knew was that I was going to die a painful coward's death The world was me, the blue above and a wisp of cloud then pain crept into this world first in my legs, as a numb sort of sting I couldn’t power my body to lift my head and look when I tried, more pain in my back and chest then worse, my mind brought back what had happened I saw it again, and I felt the heat an inferno that took away all senses guidance the dark smoke and the roar i had panicked and lost my way fallen to the fire and lay dieing Why then did I see the dead don’t see i felt now like a broken toy no control of my destiny not a thought in my head I could control so I left them to argue while I watched It was me I started it it was a mistake I destroyed everything How could I be so foolish My head lifted I thought it had just now gotten its signal to rise that I had tried a minute ago It was without effort The sound of loud wind stopped though I hadn’t felt any wind fingers snapped before my face a voice spoke a compassionate voice A local accent Come on boy be alive, please As if I just noticed that I were not trying I breathed and i could see real again and I noticed why it had held back the pain first numbness rang through me then my body parts put in their complaints I felt I could speak I think I’m gonna be ok I couldn’t see this voices face yeh you're gonna be fine man
I like the rhythm and espically the analogy to a broken toy. The way the poem switches from calm to hell-like environment to heaven-like environment remindes me of The Divine Comedy.
I like the narrative, but the spelling mistakes, small 'i's and missing apostrophe are distracting in my opinion.
Yes. This is an interesting narrative. there are some turns of phrase that are very effective. I like the last line slipping into dialogue. I still don't like the small 'i's -- but that's just me (coward[']s)
