Does sex feel like a chore?

It sure seems that way for my wife. She never initiates and when I do and she agrees there's an understanding that the time for it is 11 or 12 and it will be the very last thing we do in the day. This is incredibly frustrating because the message that sends is it's my wife's lowest priority as she goes about doing everything she wants all day then as the time draws nearer more often than not something comes up, either she says how tired she is, the baby cries, an unexpected phone call or visit from a friend or relative it only takes one thing and sex is always the first thing that drops off the schedule. Let's do it tomorrow she says sometimes or she just lies down and goes to sleep. It often doesn't happen the next day either and after two or three days of promising tomorrow, we'll do it tomorrow I promise, absolutely guaranteed no matter how I feel and still it doesn't. Something tends to come up, illness, her period, a busy week at work, you name it and it goes from me thinking it's on tonight to 3, 5, 10 days pass and we still haven't done it. She has an aversion without a doubt and putting it at the very end of the day is clearly a ploy - she's hoping something will come up so she doesn't have to do it. This is killing me because I don't even ask every time I want it, more like one in three, four or five times. I wait until she seems to be in a good mood with enough energy because I know it's like a huge inconvenience to her and she seems to hate me asking. On the flip side I look after her every day no matter how I feel. I work, I cook every day, do more than my share of the chores and taking care of our son. On top of all this she asks me to rub her feet three, four, five times a week and I do it 95% of the time. Sometimes I feel so drained from giving out all day but I still do it. It's been about three months I thought her attitude would change and she would be more willing to have sex with me but she just takes takes takes and I'm finding it harder and harder to deal with the resentment I'm carrying.
Will it ever change? Let me know if you've been through this and what you and/or your partner did to overcome it.

 

I'm not a very good person to give relationship advice.

I have been a loner for the grand majority of my adult life - can of beans, soap opera, sleep.

But I'm a guy, and I get what you're saying. I think that a lot of guys like us sort of misunderstand where women are coming from. A lot!

But, let's say it's not her highest priority like you're saying. That's a reasonable thing to be upset about in your shoes...

 

i'm so sorry to hear that, --- just talking, if that doesn't help i don't know ............ i scratch my husband's back and we have morning sex though he asks me to come to our bedroom during the afternoon, but "things happen"--- and that never happens--- sometimes its him falling asleep in his recliner and sometimes its my stomach not letting me be in the mood (medications)

 

Lovely answer or reply. I can 100% get your reasoning.

 

you know if you guys are just old and set in your ways you can always have some alone time --- with porn or toys (or both) if you guys are young and your kids are young--- hopefully it gets better when they are older-- i swear one of our kids had some kind of sex radar--- shed cry every fricken time we would get started

 

I think she doesn't know what it is. You are going to have to risk ticking her off. Do some things she doesn't like, and then see if she forgives you. Get angry with her, and see what she says. Make her go somewhere. Be unhelpful once or twice. Demand your way on some issue. Rock the boat a little.

I do not accept responsibility or guarantee good results.

 

Hey,
I get you. Been there.
Next time you're rubbing her feet, start licking and sucking her toes. Suck and massage her toes then use that opportunity to move your hand up her leg gently and start massaging her clit. If she says "What are you doing, no" in a calm wanting voice then pull away and whisper in her ear " I want to make you cum". She'll start kissing you and pull you onto her.

 

Sounds like something from an erotic novel. I see absolutely no chance of it going that way. She'd say what the fuck are you doing, all I want is my feet rubbed, if you don't want to do it, don't do it. She'd make it all about her and what she needs with no consideration for my needs yet make me feel bad for trying to have my needs met. She's a genius and knows exactly how to push my buttons to get her way and get me to lay down what I want and put her first. The resentment is becoming overwhelming but each interaction on its own seems justifiable and she somehow gets me to do it again and again and go without yet again.

 

Wish I had some chores to do!

 

I get you totally. I have experienced this myself with an ex long term gf. It got so bad that I became a different person as in bowing down to her every demand and never ever challenging her any more about things that hurt me with feer of the backlash. Get it totally. It ruined years of my life and the pain was still inflicted toward me 2 years after but I totally kidder myself that if I did what she wanted then it would work out.
Massive truth here for you, run away now and don't look back. Delete all contact details and just ride out the initial few months pain. Let go. Be done.

 

I'm not going to do that because we're married and I believe marriage is for life no matter what. Also we have a 15 month old son and he needs his dad. I said for better or worse and I meant it. I come here to to vent because I have no one I can talk to about it. I made poor choices early in our marriage that made life difficult for my wife, now things are difficult for me. That's life. I hope some day soon the pendulum will swing back my way but even if it doesn't I'm not going anywhere.
I only had one g/f a decade before I met my wife. I thought I was going to die alone and a virgin then a woman came along and told me how wonderful I was and was crazy about me and probably most important of all wanted to have sex with me. No one had ever looked at or talked to me like she did. I knew marrying her would be hard but had no idea how hard. I wanted to have sex and have a wife and a family and thought it might be another decade or maybe I'd never find someone if I turned her down so I married her.
Just when I think I can't take anymore she does put me first for a day or just a few minutes and I think I overreacted and overthought and things aren't that bad, then another six weeks of despairing and going without.

 

I'm sorry to say but she sounds like a narcissist. You don't want to hear it, you want to hear that it will all work out. Best of luck to you, I hope you find happiness.

 

So it is not a one-off then. You are uncertain whether she cares about you. You don't know if she's just using you. A marriage councilor is recommended.

Also, don't ever again tell her that you would never leave the relationship. Do everything possible to keep that a secret. In the first place unconditional love can sometimes feel like imprisonment, depending upon the person and whether they have a mental disorder.

She may not be narcissistic. She could have some other disorder. She could have various physical problems contributing to this behavior. Above all you must find out what she thinks, and mere talk isn't going to uncover the truth.

 

We are both in our 40’s and have younger kids under the age of 10 so we are a very loud and busy family. I’ve mentioned to my wife that we should go into the bathroom and have a quickie because we don’t really have time for each other during the day. Then at night time my wife is always exhausted and sex isn’t on her mind, sleep is. When I mention or try to get her feeling all sexy, it seems like a chore for her to complete which is sad. We currently have sex once a week.

 

Once a week is good with small kids around!

 

Good luck with that, no, it's not changing......then there's the next baby, then teens, then menopause......so buckle up, it's a long bumpy ride.

I've played / been playing this same game for too long. They just don't think the same way men do, and certainly don't think of sex like we do.

Can you just imagine using and getting away with the ol' "oh I am so tired, maybe tomorrow" routine when it comes to fixing her car or cutting the lawn, or the myriad of other shit that needs to get done, regardless of you being tired, sore, sick, hot, cold, busy or 'oh, I just don't wanna do that, no reason....and you can just wait until I want to '. Yeah, she's sooooooo tired. So are you. How long does it take? Start earlier. Schedule it. Fake it for you. Give you a five minute pity BJ. Baby nap time is sex time, not 'oh now I can do laundry and paint the closet time', that doesn't require two people. How long does it take her to get a manicure or yack on the phone or watch tv or do her makeup or anything else? I sure as hell aren't rubbing your feet....maybe tomorrow...maybe buy her some comfortable shoes, 'these should fix your problem with your feet'...

At least with a baby, you know they're not listening. Wait until you have teens around the house that stay up all night. 'Ewww, mom and dad are doing it again....'

I'm sure you've already had that 'honey, I need more sex' conversation, been there done that's and that probably lasted a week or two.....so that's like talking to a child promising to walk the dog they wanted....just forget it. That is the game they play. People have a baby, a job, a family, responsibilities all the time and still have a sound marriage. They also have sex and enjoy each other and nobody's died from utter exhaustion.

I think they only choice you have is to take care of things yourself so you don't go crazy and so it doesn't become hostile - and if sex just manages to happen, so the better. Hopefully, she will come around eventually. Somehow you got married and had a baby, so there's something there.

Do the kind things you do because you want to do them, not as thinking it will earn sex, because it won't and you shouldn't have to earn it, beg for it, or bargain for it....it should just happen as part of a relationship. She knows damn well you need it and is making the conscious choice not to do it, why? Who knows what they are thinking. I gave up on trying to figure that out.

"oh why oh why do men cheat.....?"

 

There's so much there that's exactly right. I'm surprised how few people share my beliefs that marriage is for life no matter what. I said for better or worse and I meant it. I guess it's a generation or two since that was the prevailing attitude and maybe the people on this forum are predominantly younger and have been raised in a far more selfish culture.

Doing kind things because I want to well that's tricky because more often than not I don't want to but if I expect my wife to do things she doesn't want to do I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't do likewise. I'll hang in there and tough it out because it's the right thing to do.

 

I've had two very long term relationships with women, and in the same time frame I've had about a dozen short-term sexual relationships with men. I think it's a bit unrealistic to think that all of your relationship needs can be met by one person for an entire lifetime. I tried living under that form of monogamy, and it did not work out. In the first long-term relationship I really felt like I was trapped, but the second one allows both of us to have much more space. We are past the child-rearing age, and do not live together. That really helps to keep the spark active. We are the best of friends and have sex almost every time we get together.

I know that most people would judge me negatively for having multiple sensual partners while still maintaining a stable and long-term primary relationship, but that's none of their business in the first place. Men have the capacity to separate sex from the concept of a lifetime commitment, and rational men know how to have casual sex safely.

 

That's one way to do it. You're quite right, no one person can meet another's every need throughout their life. What I've always understood is having needs met is not the most important thing in life. There's value in going without sometimes. It teaches you about yourself and others, makes you more empathetic and compassionate. The human soul is ravenous and insatiable and never satisfied.

 

It’s decent, I wish it was more. We used to at it like rabbits, I guess that’s how we got 3 kids. lol