does anybody know any jokes

A local ice cream man has been found dead ... His body was covered in nuts, chocloate sauce plus lots of "100's & 1000's"


Police said he tried to top himself ...

 

A lorry has shed its load of onions all over the M4. Police are advising drivers to find a hard shoulder to cry on.



A lorry load of wigs has been stolen from Watford Gap services! Police are combing the area!

 

A very religous man lives in a town south in the US and it has been raining for 3 days, so 2 guys drive by in a car and say hop in and we'll take you to saftey, and the man says, no god is watching over me he will save me. Then the days pass and it keeps raining and the water is upto the height of cars now, which he is on top of, as the same 2 guys drive up in a boat and say hop in we'll take you to saftey, and, the man says no god is watching over me he will save me. DAys later the flood is so high he is on his roof and the same 2 guys come by in a helicopter, and say hop in and we'll take you to saftey, the man says no god is watching over me he will protect me.

Then eventually the flood gets so high that the man drowns. Then when he gets to heaven, he asks god why didn't you protect me? and god says you idiot! I sent a car, i sent a boat, i sent a helicopter...

 

There should be like a permanent, on-going, joke thred where people can keep adding jokes as and when they hear them. This thred has been fucking great to read!!!!

 

A concerned father takes his 12 y/o daughter to the doctors to ask that she be put on the pill. The doctor, somewhat concerned asks 'Why, is she sexually active?' to which the father replies 'No, she just lies there like her mother'!


Also, to continue the theme of slightly sick jokes heres another:

A peodophile and a small boy who he had abducted earlier are walking hand in hand through some dark, scary woods. the little boy looks up at his captor and says 'Excuse me sir, i'm really scared' to which the peodophile replies 'You're scared? I've got to walk back by myself'!!

 

Four gay guys were living together and one night they decided to take a dip in their brand new hot tub. As they sat there talking one of them noticed a little puddle of sperm float to the surface and sit there. As they all looked at it in disbelief one of them shouted out, "WHO FARTED?!?!?!?"

 

The jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport in Toronto on its final approach.
The pilot comes on over the intercom and says, "Ladies and gentlemen. This is Capt. Johnson speaking. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."
Unknowingly, the pilot forgets to switch off the intercom and the entire plane can now hear the conversation in the cockpit.
The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well, Captain, what are you gonna do here in Toronto?"
By now, all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.
"Well," says the Captain, "First, I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a nice, long crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper. You know, the cute one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her, then take her back to my room, and then I'm gonna fuck her brains out all night."
Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
She's so embarrassed, she runs from the back of the plane to get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes, flat on her face.
The old lady leans over to her and says calmly, "No need to run, dear. He said he's gotta take a shit first!"

 

four gay gus walk into a bar and see that there is only one stool left. what do they do?



they flip it over!

 

A passenger jet had run into a storm across the Pacific Ocean, and after taking a severe battering from the winds, all four engines had malfunctioned and ceased to work.

As the plane dived towards the sea, people started panicking, praying, crying, some even laughing madly. One woman stood up, threw all her clothes off and stood naked.

"Before I die," she yelled, "I want a man to truly treat me like a woman!"

A man stood up and, staggering due to the shaking plane, walked over to her. He ripped his jacket off and unbuttoned his shirt. Then he pulled his shirt off, grabbed it and gave it to the woman.

"Iron that." He said

 

I suppose this is technically a joke. It's certainly funny anyway! (a bit naughty though but I'm sure you won't mind!)


Who likes limericks then?

There was a young lady named Rose
Who'd occasionally straddle a hose,
And parade about squirting
And spouting and spurting,
Pretending she pissed like her beaux

She was seen by her cousin named Anne,
Who improved the original plan.
She said, "My dear Rose,
In this lowly old hose
Are all the best parts of a man."

So, avoiding the crude and sadistic,
She frigged in a manner artistic:
At the height of her pleasure
She turned up the pressure,
And cried, "Ain't it grand and realistic!"

They soon told the Duchess of Fyfe,
And her crony, the alderman's wife;
And they found it so pleasing,
And tickling and teasing
That they washed men right out of their life.

It was tried by the great Mrs. Biddle,
And she said to her husband, "Go fiddle!
Here's double the fun,
And you get three in one---
A ducking, a douche, and a diddle."

It was tried by the dancer, Di Basle,
Whose **** was just made for a nozzle.
She said, "I admit
It's an elegant fit,
But of course it won't do for the arse 'ole."

It was tried by the Duchess of Porter,
And passed on by her to her daughter,
Who said, "With a leman
You're fearful of semen,
But a fuck's as effective with water."

Thus writes Lady Vanderbilt-Horsett,
Who invented the Lonely-Maid Corset:
"I thought all vicarious
Fucking precarious.
I was wrong. It's a whiz. I endorse it.

Soon in Paris, on the Boulevard Salique,
You sould purchase (complet avec talic,
Pour soixante francs cinq)
A short hose and a tank,
And they call it Le Fuckeur Hydraulique.

 

would have been so much better if she could spell it! Oh well.

On the subject of spelling,


Eye halve a spelling chequer, it came with my pea sea;

It plainly marques four my revue miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word and weight four it two say

Weather eye am wrong or write, it shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is made it nose bee fore two long.

And eye can put the error rite, it's rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it and I'm shore your pleased two no

It's letter perfect awl the weigh,

My chequer tolled me sew.

 

Two guys were arrested in the town centre last night ... one was found drinking battery acid and the other was eating a firework


the police are charging one but the other will get let off.

 

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
It was holding the first monkey's hand

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
It thought it was a game

Why did the pigeon fall out of the tree?
It thought it was a monkey

 

These have been doing the round - seem to be attributed to Lancashire comedian Peter Kay but I doubt he'd say 'mom' among other things. They're pretty good anyway!

1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said Thyroid problem?


2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new
bike. Then I realized, God doesn't work that way, so I stole
one and asked him to
forgive me.

3) My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing
her voice.
For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my
father.

4) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my
wife to go swimming.

5) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my
step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

6) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'.
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different
names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and
stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me',
and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the
way.

8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is
probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) Sex is like a game of bridge:
If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good
hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.
My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?'I said 'No, Six
should be enough.'

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they
made out of meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all
nervous and give the wrong answers.
13) You know that look women get when they want sex?
Me neither.

Peter Kay's questions...

1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you
get undressed?

2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way
down to the core of the earth?

3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth
closed?

4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your
arse?

5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing
you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an
alcoholic'?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through
mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the
toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,
'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink
whatever comes out'?

12. What do people in China call their good plates?

13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the
time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the
bathroom is?

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Why is a person that handles your money called a
'Broker'?

16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made
from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are
over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if
they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to
touch it to make sure?

19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face,
he gets mad at> you but when you take him on a car ride, he
sticks his head out of the window?

Peter Kay's Universal Truths

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub
is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a
complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green
crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits
55378008 into a calculator

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really
manly.

8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not
to have a fire in your back garden.

9) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

10) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

11) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

12) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

13) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a
bouncy ball.

14) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

15) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your
school.

16) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is
to call your teacher mum or dad.

17) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill
you at the first given opportunity.

18) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

19) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee,
flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

20) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

21) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

22) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

23) You never ever run out of salt.

24) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

25) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

26) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel
when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

27) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

28) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody
who has had their arm broken by a swan.

29) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and
stepping on an upturned plug.

30) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

31) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin
piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

32) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

33) Bricks are horrible to carry.

34) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip. 35) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not
putting it in a fruit salad.

 

That's Harry Hill...I have a video clip of him telling it somewhere

 

What do you get when cross a paedo and a pirate?



Arrrrrrr Kelly.

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What's blond, has 6 legs and appears in Michael Jackson's dreams?



Hanson

 

What do you call a donkey with 3 legs?


A Wonkey!

Whats orange and sounds like a parrrot?

A Carrot!


Sorry, but these come courtesy of my 8 y/o neice!!

 

2 Irishmen are in London on a night out. They try to go in a night club but are stopped by the bouncer on the door...

"You can't go in like that lads - it's a fancy dress night tonight and the theme is emotions"

"Okay" they say, and wander off...

They come back half an hour later and they're both naked. One has his erect penis in a bowl of custard and the other has his stuck into a ripe pear... The bouncer stops them again.

"It's a theme night and the theme is emotions, what kind of fancy dress is that"

The Irishman looks down then back at the bouncer...

"Well," (In an Irish accent) "I'm fuckin dis custard (disgusted) and mah friend here's deep in dis pear (dispair)"

 

What do you call a black man with a p.h.d.......


A doctor you fucking racist.





(that ones great when you hear someone start rattling racist jokes off, works like a charm)