does anybody know any jokes

i got one...it's a little long tho.....



a preist goes fishing with a parishoner....the parishoner catches a big fish, holds it up and say's to the priest, "Wow, look at what a big son-of-a-bitch!"

The priest immediately says, you can't use that kind of language around me, I'm a man of the cloth....

The parishoner reply's, "What, thats the name of the fish son-of-a-bitch?"

the priest then says, well give that son-of-abitch here, i'm gonna show hime to the bishop.

The pries walks into the church holding up the fish and says to the bishop, "Look at what a big son-of-a-bitch!", the bishop, hastily replies, father you can't use that language your a man of the cloth.

The priest says well thats the name of the fish, son-of-a-bitch......
the bishop then says, well give that son-of-a-bitch here, i'm gonna show'em to the cardinal...

The bishop walks into the cardinal's office with the fish and says, "Look at what a big son-of-a-bitch!"....the cardinal, floored by what the bishop says, replies, your a holy man, you can't use that language....the bishop rebutt's, well that's the name of the fish, son-of-a-bitch....

The cardinal quickly says, well give that son-of-a-bitch here and we'll cook him for supper.....

Well sitting around the dinner table, the priest says, "Man, that was a good son-of-a-bitch...", the bishop says, "Best son-of-a-bitch i've ever had..", the cardinal says, "UmmUmm, i want some more of that son-of-a-bitch....", well there's a young new priest at the table listening to all this going on, quickly looks up and says....."You mother fucker's are all right..."

 

another one......


2 polocks go bird hunting...they hunt all day and don't kill a thing.....one polock looks at the other and says, i wonder why we ain't killing anything...the other polock replies, "Maybe we ain't throwing the dog high enuf"...hehe

 

Q: how do you stop a baby from falling into a sewer?
A: chuck a spear through it's head.


Q: what's funnier than a dead baby?
A: a dead baby in a clown suit.


Q: What's worse than two dead babies in a dumpster?
A: One dead baby in two dumpsters.

Sorry, but I have a sick friend who tells dead baby jokes all the time, so I figured somebody would get a laugh...

 

i don't understand how anyone is supposed to make that connection at all...

or is that just me?

 

What did the snowman say to his friend?

Can you smell Carrots?

 

whats the difference between a truck load of babies and a trucking load of sand?

You can't picthfork sand.


Whats small, blue, orange and lies at the bottom of a pool?

A baby with deflated armbands.


Whats small black, orange and lies at the bottom of a pool?

Same baby two weeks later.


Whats more fun than spinning a baby on a washing line?

Stopping it with a shovel.


Whats worse than 20 dead babies in a barrel?

20 dead babies in a barrel and one live one at the bottom eating its way out.


Whats small black and sits in the corner of the room?

A baby with its finger in the socket.


Whats small black and sits in the middle of the room?

A baby on an extension cable.

 

Scousers 1:

At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouser bloke 6ft 5in tall

and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and

obviously g*y man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the

g*y fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big

Liverpudlian.

Leaning over, he cups his huge ear "Do you want a bl*w job?" he whispers.

At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks

the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him

all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the

car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened. Amazed the

bartender quickly brings over another beer.

"I've never seen you react like that" he says "Just what did he say to

you?"

"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies. "Something about a job."



Scousers 2:
Q. If you see a Scouser on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit

him?

A: It might be your bicycle



Scousers 3
Q: Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?

A: Because if it walked it would be mugged



Scousers 4
Q: What do you call a Scouser in a three-bed semi?

A: A Burglar



Scousers 5
Q: What do you call a Scouser in a tie?

A. The accused



Scousers 6
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Merseyside?

A: Because God couldn't find three wise men and a v*rgin



Scousers 7
Q: What is the difference between a Scouser and a coconut?

A: One's thick and hairy, and the other's a coconut



Scousers 8
Q: What do you say to a scouser in a uniform?

A: Big Mac and fries please



Scousers 9
Q: What's the first question at a Liverpool pub quiz night?

A: What you looking at?



Scousers 10
Q: What do you call a scouser in a White Shellsuit

A: The Bride



Scousers 11
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the

counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job". The man behind the counter

replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very

wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his twin daughters.

You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, uniform provided.

Because of the long hours of this job meals will also be provided and you

will also be required to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays.


The salary package is =£3,200,000 a year".

The scouser said "You're bullsh*tting me!"

The man behind the counter said "Well you f***** started it

 

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

That is icky

 

why did the baby cross the road?



It was stapled to the chicken.

 

This unemployed guy's uncle feels sorry for him and decides to give him a job in this huge company, a job that wouldnt make him feel bad. So he calls his nephew over to the interview and asks him whether he'd like to work at accounting dept or not.
his nephew says:
Thanks uncle but I need a better positon

Uncle is surprised he offers another position in the advertisement dept.
nephew is still unstaisfied he says, It's fine but see, I deserve a better position where there is more fun

Uncle this time enraged by his nephew's sauciness asks him:
Do you want a position that requires Sex and Travel?
The Nephew is at last satisfied, immediately says:
Yes!
to which the uncle replies:

then fuck off...

 

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the Pharmacist


> for some rectum deodorant. The Pharmacist, a little bemused, explains





> to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.


>


>


>Unfazed, the blonde assures the Pharmacist that


she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and


would like some more.


>


>


>


> "I'm sorry", says the Pharmacist, "we don't have any".


>


>


>


>"But I always buy it here," says the blonde.


>


>


>


> "Do you have the container that it came in?"


> asks the pharmacist.


>


>


>


>"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."





>


>


>


> She returns with the container and hands it to the Pharmacist who


> looks


at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm


deodorant".


>


>


>


Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back


and reads out loud from the container.........


>


>


>


> "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

 

Would that be the areosol type?

 

This one was the winner. A bag of chocolate buttons goes to Erykah!

 

Yesssssssssssssssssssss!

 

Dang and i didnt even get to tell my joke




it was about peanuts

 

No no, feel free to keep telling jokes! I just needed a short joke and that's the one I used... thanks to everyone else and keep them coming, the more the merrier!

 

so there's three pregnant women waiting at the doctors office to find out what sex their kid will be.


the redhead says "i'm having a boy." and the brunette asks how she knows already. the redhead responds with "well i was on bottom, so it's going to be a boy" and the brunette says "then i'm having a girl cause i was on top"

the blond next to them smiles and says "i'm having a PUPPY!"


- my sister told me that when i was ten -

 

An old lady approaches a gang of Hell's Angels. As she approaches, the gang watch her.

"What do you want?" The leader growls.
"I want to join the Hell's Angels." The lady replies, to much laughter from the gang.

"I'm afraid we have certain requirements in the Hell's Angels. But hey...I may as well give you the chance. To be considered worthy of joining, you have to fight our resident tough guy, 'Ripper' McCree." McCree turned around at the mention of his name, flexing his huge, hairy arm muscles and growling under his breath.


Five minutes later, Ripper McCree was laying on the floor crying like a baby and begging for mercy. The entire gang watched astounded as the old lady stood over him, not even sweating after beating the huge guy senseless.

"Wow...that was...weird." The gang leader looked at the old lady. "You're one vicious bastard. Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

"No," the old lady replies, "but I've been swung around by the tits!"

 

What did you need a joke for?

 

okay, two peanuts were walking down the street


one was assaulted

hahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahhahahahahaha cracks me up every time.


i have another one, okay two old ladies were walking down the street

one was mugged and beaten
i dont think that one is as funny though