Do you have to work for an erection?

Sorry for the long post, bit of a ramble but there's a point/question in there somewhere!

In summary:
I'd like to hear, from men or women, whether any physical stimulation is normally required to achieve his/your erection in a good sexual situation (i.e. no obvious factors that would make it difficult). How often is it the case that he's fully hard without her having to do anything in particular? Is it different for new partners vs. familiar ones? Do some of you men always have trouble and some never do?

------ More detail/background:

I've had sexual contact with twice as many women as I've actually had proper PiV sex with, and nearly all of those incomplete ones were because I couldn't get hard. I've been with about 30 women in total and I can only think of three or four who made any effort to get me hard (using their hands or mouth, normally). The majority seemed completely unwilling to touch my dick at all, basically just lying there waiting to be penetrated and getting quite annoyed that I wasn't going ahead with it. I remember one asking "if I've ever done this before" like I didn't know what was supposed to go where, lol. I didn't say it, but I was thinking the same about her - didn't she know that she has a job to do as well? But then actually, no, I was probably the first case of ED she'd encountered.

I simply can not get hard without some direct contact, and also enthusiastic behaviour on her part. The two go hand-in-hand, I suppose. When she seems reluctant and uninvolved it's a massive turn-off. I never feel nervous with new women, I'm confident enough and I feel excited and interested but my penis is just lifeless unless very specific criteria are met with regard to her behaviour and manner. I have some known physical reasons for being bad at erections but psychologically I think I may have got far too used to one woman, for several years, who was as enthusiastic and whoreish as I could imagine. And the vast majority of women are actually quite lifeless in bed and by comparison seem reluctant, shy, uninterested - all big turn-offs for me.

Last night was a typical example of a missed opportunity - at a party with a girl whom I knew was into me, typical flirting and escalation through the night, then I got her alone and we started kissing and so on. She was very eager, very willing, and soaking wet. I wasn't hard, of course, and she hadn't tried to touch me. She was half naked and wanted me to fuck here there and then, and I had to point out that I can't just yet and maybe she could help me out. She kind of mashed around on my dick area, through my clothes, for about 20s, then gave up and said the moment had passed. So we went our separate ways!

I've had many experiences like that, and it's led me to believe that it's extraordinarily rare for a (youngish) man to require any kind of physical stimulation to get hard and women are quite unused to any kind of foreplay and find it a bother or at least a bit scary. It only seems to annoy them that I try, I'm pretty sure in practice most just want to be penetrated ASAP and not have to touch that nasty penis with their hands. A woman was complaining to me recently that "porn" never represents foreplay and is all about him fucking her and cumming and that's not like real life. But I had to disagree completely, since in my experience few women care much for giving or receiving any manual or oral sex and do just want a quick fuck. And porn that I've seen always makes a huge deal out of that stuff, way more than is actually practised in reality.

Now, I presume that the women here are in the top 1% when it comes to their interest in sex so we might get better answers from men who have gone out and fucked other women, women who aren't regular posters on a sex forum. Are you ever not hard immediately, and do they ever help? Do they seem to have any awareness that erections aren't guaranteed and they need to try to get you up? Or, are they pretty much guaranteed really? I'm 27, btw, and have been this way since my first sexual experiences.


I have one close female friend who said that in her rather wide experience the men are rock solid and ready to go as soon as their clothes come off, so there's one answer already.


FWIW, 50mg of viagra makes only the slightest difference and I can still be completely limp on that dosage, since I think my problem is more psychological/neurological and so further up stream than where PDE-5 inhibitors act.


thanks!

 

I can only speak for myself. I am one of those guys your close female friend mentions - by the time the clothes come off I'm ready to go. You might think about seeing a doctor to see if you have any physical issues.

 

Fascinating - I just can't imagine that.

Been there, done that - thanks for the suggestion, though.

 

I am hard as soon as we touch, sometimes I would like to stay soft a little longer so she could play with me for a while ...

 

I am erect before even the clothes are off when i can sense we're going to bang. It requires effort on my part to hold on and stop grabbing her and spoil the moment before its the time. But its sex and i think its how its supposed to be.

As a guy you are supposed to do all of the work, expecting the girl to get you hard or work for the sex...well its just not how it works. Thats not how their biology works at the basic level and its frankly quite unfair because the guy already holds so much power, you want the girls to be practically your slave now by begging for sex is just wrong.

What you are asking for will only happen if you are with a girl in a long-term relationship and have a connection with, a one-night stand is just that and remember that the girl is letting go of a lot of her inhibitions to let you fuck her on a one night stand because like i said their biology doesn't work like that.

So i would suggest to date a girl on a long term and discuss what makes you tick.

I would also seriously consider you going to a real doctor because viagra will get you hard even if you are brain-dead but have blood flowing because it doesn't care what you're thinking. Don't blame girls for your problems.

 

I'm definitely not one of those women that lie there and expect to be fucked -quite the opposite, in fact. However, in my experience, I've only had to give the cum hither look, or lightly stroke the arm/thighs, or do some heavy petting, and I usually feel some sort of response. to be honest, if I didn't feel something by this point, I'd be a little nonplussed at the lack of reaction (is he not turned on by me? etc...like the same feeling when you do a lot of making out with a woman and she doesn't get wet), but I would still try to make it hard. if not much happens after that, then I would stop and yes, lose interest if he isn't going to react. just my experience

 

Interesting post! I don't want to make you feel like your abnormal or anything OP, but far as averages go, yes most guys can get it up without any direct contact. As an example I can simply sit, stand or lay down and just think of something sexual and I’ll start to get hard without even touching myself. Have you ever tried this yourself and met with any success? Now on the flip side when I see a porno and the woman is drop dead gorgeous I’ll get hard after a minute or two just by simply watching and what baffles me is in some of these pornos after a bunch of kissing and rubbing and the guys pants finally come off I see he's limp as can be and I am just dumbfounded as heck thinking "dude are you not turned on by this gorgeous woman???" I've often figured it was a camera shy thing or maybe because porn stars bone 100's of woman some are just desensitized and it take a great deal of direct physical stimulation even in the presence of a beautiful woman to get it up…

So I guess in the end you're more like one of those guys who requires some direct stimulation. Unfortunately for you unlike most pornos where you always see a lot of hand & blow jobs, most time in the real world especially with casual or spur of the moment sex people mainly make out, do a little bit of rubbing, but once their clothes come off they pretty much go straight at it. Overall that’s been my experience in similar situations. However with a GF who I'd been dating and it was more of a planned thing, then yes that typically involved more foreplay or oral or hand stimulation.

So yeah I can certainly see from a woman's perspective her thinking "wtf???" It's not that woman don’t want to play or fondle it but from a woman's perspective if after some passionate making out she looks down and sees you limp she’s gonna take it as a sign that you're not interested which bounces her out of the mood. This is because most guys dicks in this situation would be staring back up at her. When you’re dating someone and you can tell her this is how your body works you’ll be fine, but for casual / one night stands chances are you’re going to encounter this uncomfortable situation. My only advice in those situations is to try to play it cool as best you can.

I’m surprised you didn’t get anything constructive from a doctor. My guess is for many guys there is mental connection such that just seeing or thinking about something erotic gets you hard, yet in your case that mental connection is blocked or doesn’t exist, and this isn’t from watching too much porn... An erectile dysfunction pill might help but you don’t know until you try and they aren’t very practical and lose their effectiveness if taken frequently, not to mention the side effects, flush cheeks, headaches and frequent hard-ons can be a bit of a bummer. My advice would be to try (if you haven’t) some more mental training / experimentation to see if you can get it up with only mental / visual stimulation. In addition you could experiment with erectile dysfunction pills, or look into seeing a specialist to further investigate this cognitive disconnect you have. Good luck!

 

Don't have to work for an erection, but sometimes have an erection at work.

 

Honestly, I don't see it as a dysfunction though...I see it as you possibly being the type that needs more mental stimulation. Perhaps switching to fewer casual encounters and focusing on more meaningful relationships would be better for you!

 

I can only speak about myself and my experience with my husband (my one and only). Foreplay gets him hard. IF we are already in bed, then I touch him and that gets him hard. If we are not in bed, him touching me gets him ready.

If most of the women are refusing to touch your penis because it's "nasty" then why are they having sex with you? Why are you still trying to have sex with them if they are not that into you?

Are you having relationships with these women or are these one night stands?

 

hahah me too man, and usually always at the same time of day!

 

Never had an erection at work but used to work for a real hard on.

 

you took viagra and slight difference ?????????????????????
your problem is not physical . it mind . you have problem up your mind . everything is mind .you might visit the doctor for mind . psychologist and other -gist . Many times i thought i was tired and couldn't get hard .but she played with my fantasy , fucked my brain . and the harmmerkraken was unleashed .

 

Your experience is very similar to mine. I have pretty much the same problems you have, but my background is a little different.

First, the problems for comparison: I rarely ever get hard without stimulation with hands or mouth (but usually hands doesn't even do it; it has to usually be head). BUT, I occasionally get hard without any of that, usually involving some grinding of the hips, like a lap dance, or dancing, or just getting really heavy into the foreplay. However this erection is usually short lived, and unless I was to instantly get both of us undressed and not have to worry about a condom, I'm not keeping it.

Background: I grew up being really perverted. My dad left his porn magazines out when I was really young (under 7), and I think I really went off to a bad extreme. Growing up I was always thinking about sex. Porn was pretty regular without getting into any crazy extremes. But all of my sexual experiences I had during those years were very similar to yours. And usually, it involved me penetrating while partially limp only to get fully hard once I was in. Even then, sometimes I would just start to get limp during sex if it wasn't in a perfect position. The only thing that would ever help, sometimes to a decent degree, was smoking herb.

I gave up porn completely about 2.5 months ago. I'm in a relationship with the girl of my dreams - really cliche, but I can't put it any other way. She's not the most gorgeous of women, but she is to me. Her personality is amazing and she's sensual and loves to be intimate in such great ways.

I've done my research on this too, and I've seen a doctor to have testosterone and all the other levels checked. Everything is fine. I'm very active, healthy and fit (i even do yoga) , and I eat extremely well compared to most people. I even try to eat all the foods that help promote good libido in men. Leads me to thinking its psychological.

So what does all the research say to do? Relax. Don't think about it. Talk and communicate with your partner about it. Well that's where I'm at now. My girlfriend isn't the most experienced, but she's done her reading, loves sex, and enjoyed the scenes from the 50 shades of grey series. She's also extremely patient. We've only had sex 2 of the last 4 times we've tried.

My plan right now is to work on being comfortable and getting her very familiar with me. The idea was to have her straddle me from behind and get some lube to pretty much give me a hand job from behind so that I could guide her and show her exactly what works for me. Also to show her how hard and aggressive she can be, and that it can actually help to get me harder and harder depending on the manner in which you're aggressive. At this point, this gives me plenty of time to get a condom on, which I planned having open and ready to go right next to me with a wash cloth nearby. Should be home free from here.

Tried it today in the morning and failed. It was actually after a failed attempt at having sex - so maybe that's why combined with it being in the morning(? - not sure). Next time I plan on trying from the beginning with the hand job, and at night.

I feel your pain.

~Tmac

 

Im just surprised its not another thing people can get disability checks for..

 

I'm in that now. In fact, probably the most meaningful of all of them. I actually respect this girl more than any other I've ever dated, and she's as patient and caring as can be.

I used to be more about flings, and less about an emotional connection. I was hoping the new outlook on the relationship would change my pattern. But it's turned out to be pretty bad.

Granted, I have just about everything working against me. Sexual exposure at an early age. Prolonged exposure to porn. Military service with "salt peter". Got a circumcision in my 20's. Lack of emotional connection in my relationships. etc... Still, there must be some approach to getting past all that.

 

I'm not sure how old you are, but I had a similar issue when I was 28 or 29. I don't know how to describe it other than "I lost my mojo."

It was embarrassing, but I spoke with a doctor about it, did the blood work, I was in great shape, strong as an ox, etc. etc... Just not batting 1.000 like I should have been. (As an aside, I too have always felt like my appetites went a little beyond garden variety horn ball and I had a very precocious exposure to hard core pornography and sexual experience)

Know what my doctor did? He gave me a sample pack of Viagra and told me to eat half a pill before my next encounter. He said "If I don't hear from you in 30 days I'm going to assume you're cured."

He never heard from me. Having a couple of nights of passion with a revving engine between my legs just plain did something to me that broke the "lover's block".

I don't know if that's helpful to you or the OP, but maybe it will be helpful to someone.

 

I am able to be hard fairly quickly when needed. Lucky me.

 

sometimes morning wood comes around, and fuck is it ever annoying.
Hard to fall back to sleep with a sore hard hard-on jamming in the bed.