Do you feel obligated?

I am a 20something straight female, currently dating a really amazing guy, I know that if I asked him to get me off at any time he would do it, because he truly enjoys/gets off on pleasuring and watching me. Recently sex has been really painful for me so we have cut down a bit because of it, from maybe a few times a day to probably once a day. He has a very high sex drive and I would say mine is about average, plus I have switched birth control and I am going through a stressful time that might have affected my desire to have sex.

His hands are all over me usually and last night was no different so we tried to have sex but it was too painful. He asked for a handjob but honestly I wasn't really that into it, plus we had already had sex earlier that day. So I kind of ignored his request and he started touching me again while he was touching himself. I started joking around and I was not taking the situation seriously at all and he got really frustrated, gets up and says if I wasn't into it he was going to go jerk off in the bathroom. I felt terrible. I know I took it too far and I should have been straight up with him that I wasn't into it, but I felt guilty, like I'm depriving him of something because I'm in pain/not into it. He tells me all the time to tell him if I feel like he's "pawing" at me and that he doesn't enjoy himself when I'm not into it, but I still feel obligated to do something.

Has anyone experienced guilt over someone's sexual pleasure like this? Are my feelings of guilt justified? I don't know how to handle the person that I love's high sex drive like this without feeling like I should do something about it.

 

I think it's fine I think the only thing you're obligated to do was to be honest with him and how you communicate that's about it.

But I have to ask why are blowjobs off the table if vaginal intercourse is too painful for you right now?

 

he told you he was going to jerkoff in the bathroom..
Ida said "good stay in there the rest of your life and get yourself off, bye"..
sure, he might be frustrated, but to announce it to you like your some whore..
when he could easily get up to take a piss, and relieve himself and not be bothered. Its just an orgasm, not like hes shooting diamond out his penis.. However if he does shoot out diamonds. Very well then, suck it and shut up..

 

You do not need to feel obligated to have sex anytime he wants. Women have far more issues than men and when I am sore I expect him to understand. If a man cares for you he will respect how you feel. Stand your ground and don't feel bad about it!

 

You have sex DAILY? Let me give you some perspective: When we first began having sex, I was sore. We could only have sex ONCE A WEEK. This went on for about a year. Then it got better. Then after the birth of our first child, I didn't heal properly and it was VERY painful (I had to hold back the tears). We were having sex less often. My DH understood and didn't pressure me. If he did, resentment would have built up and that would have eventually ended in no sex and then divorce. In my relationship, either we have sex or he masturbates. It's not a big deal because our RELATIONSHIP is more important.

Your boyfriend is a jerk. There's nothing wrong with him masturbating to relieve himself. The fact that he wants you to do it, regardless of you being in pain, shows that he sees you as nothing but a tool for masturbation.

You need to let him know that if you are in pain, he needs to masturbate. If you think he will cheat because of it, then dump him now. Frankly, he seems the selfish type to cheat and justify it because "you wouldn't" have sex with him.

 

I kind of agree with this, but then at the same time, it opens the door argumentatively to where the guy is also stuck and in a sense in a sexless situation, if it turns out the guy isn't a jerk, does care about his partner, but at the same time is without sex for a long period of time (so we're talking more than 8 months here for the definition of "a long time").

I would think that a true jerk, wouldn't even get upset, and just go to his mistress he keeps on the side for sex, and wouldn't make a big stink about it, like the OP's partner.

So it just couple be genuine frustration, but not necessarily a strong enough evidence to say her partner is a jerk, a bit selfish at the moment yes, but completely bad guy, no there's not enough evidence to come to that conclusion.

 

Thanks everyone for your replies!

I'm not really into him going down on me but I don't mind giving head, however sometimes I'm just not in the mood to do it. If I'm not in the mood but we're having sex I can usually get into it.

We talked about it, he made me promise that if I'm not in the mood I WILL tell him instead of going along with it and then making jokes the whole time. He said that when I wasn't taking it seriously it hurt his feelings and "made [him] feel bad about [him]self" and thus the reaction. He is definitely not the type to cheat. Our sex is amazing when we do have it and we love each other a lot, but I know guys can be kind of shitty that way.

If I may ask, did you ever find out what was causing you pain? My BF's doctor thinks it might be "vulvar vestibulitis" but I'm not sure.

Yeah I didn't know who was being selfish in that moment, me for fooling around or him for being so upset about it. And he asked for a handjob right after I told him I was sore, so it did kind of seem like he only wants to get off and it doesn't matter how, which I brought to his attention. He just said that he was really horny I'm horny too! So I guess he's just supremely horny, not a jerk?

 

You are both young and this will become an issue for him at least.

It will be something that wil define what kind of person he is and how much he cares about you especially if he places his ability to get off before your comfort.

TooReal

 

Sounds like a jerk and a pig.

 

Although that very well could be...she can't really know this for certain until the point when he attempts to put his pleasure above her welfare.

If that happens....then I would be in complete agreement with you.

TooReal

 

He's sort of already done that though and the OP alluded to cutting back in sex in which he's only interested in trying to make advances on her during a rough period.
And if you're going to go to the bathroom and play with yourself, you don't need to say it so harshly like "well if you're not putting out I'm going to jerk off". What a horrible thing to say to someone.

 

Hey...YOU know and I know that is a very insensitive and stupid thing to say...but remember this guy is in his 20's...and as a male in his 20's HE IS AN IDIOT!! LOL!!!

His body is driving him to PROCREATE at every moment so you might be condemning a kid who if properly talked to....might be the right guy for her.

You can't use the accumulated knowledge that you or I already have in this instance.

TooReal

 

If I was a 20 year old guy I'd sugar coat the situation, offer all the support and manipulate it into awesome sex when she's ready again. =D

Or, if I was even into guys, I'd say "hey I want to blow you" and he'll accept, then blow him and as soon as he's done I'd push him away and say "that's all I wanted" completely ignore him and go out somewhere leaving him like wtf..

 

Hey....I am not defending him.

I am just saying...she should not be too hasty until she is absolutely certain the relationship is salvageable.

TooReal

 

Some guys don't get it. A friend of mine said when she's on her period she feels ill but her hubby still wants some kind of sex, tried to make her feel she at least owed him a BJ,,, really? I'd a told him to fuck off if I felt ill or icky and my hubby pushed for sex. Sex is a team event, not a chore even on a bad day.

 

Maybe but science also says that sometimes initiating sex actually can help a person (regardless of gender) stop feeling shitty.

Headaches go away too after a good session.


I agree that guys have to learn not to pry or feel OWED sex, but guys also don't want to be led on by passive behavior either and then blamed later for not reading the non-verbal.

Now if a guy keeps pressing despite a girl's abundantly clear message she's in pain or not up for it.

There are two reactions that can be mutually inclusive.

1. Why aren't you in the mood?

2. Is there something we can do about that once a problem is identified or is it one of those where a guy needs to say "oh well" and respect that.


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But you know what there isn't an obligation to sex in a relationship as if it were a business arrangement, but it is expected as part of MOST relationships so it is a duty of sorts.

If there is no or very little sex in a relationship, it's usually indicative of other problems in the relationship IN ADDITION to the problem of the lack of sex itself and the negatives create a snowball effect that tends to lead to a breakup, abusive relationship, or/and a divorce.

 

Yeah, this sounds pretty lame. My boyfriend and I are in some pretty rough crazy stuff and it's all about dominant submissive stuff.

But at the same time on rare occasions I'm not feeling it. And when that's the case he's cool. I'd expect him to be equally cool if I were in some sort of real pain that prevented me from having sex with him for awhile. That's what you do for someone you love.

Maybe he does get his rocks off without me but he doesn't act like a child and announce it like that. Seems like he needs to buck up and act like a man.

 

Well...your lucky because I have been unfortunate enough to have to had to restrain a few guy's that my next door neighbors...two Bi-Sexual girls who co-own their house....and would be married already as we all live in Massachusetts but their Dad's are ex-Navy and Ex-Marine....so the girls think their Dad's will have a STROKE if they find out their little girls want to get married!!

Anyways....A few times I have had to come over when some guy they included n their lovemaking would not go away and although they asked ME many times...I said NO as I did not want to ruin our friendship.

Then one time I heard screaming and had to subdue a guy and call the Cops.

So I agreed to be with them 3 times a year...and in return they clean my house and when I come back from JOBS...they take care of me.

Thing is....many guy's simply have never had the wild 3 some experiences or the anal sex or the...etc...etc...etc....and they tend to act like little boy's crying over a Toy Mommie say's has to stay in the Toy Box for the night!!!

I cannot even FATHOM forcing a woman to have sex if she is not feeling good.....I mean....why would a guy want that?

TooReal

 

When a woman is on her once a month she usually wants to be left alone if she is in any pain, it would be up to her if she thought it would help to have sex but often for many even the thought of sex is just not there for them during that bad day, or two she has to deal with. Some feel sick to the gut and want to puke, some feel icky and miserable, some have a huge pain like someone slugged them in the puss. You would have to know their pain and discomfort to be able to decide what's good for them like sex or a jog down the street. I have heard some women say they couldn't go to work some days because standing or sitting long periods as the job requires was too painful on the worst day. When I was in my late teens, early 20s I felt like someone shoved a board with force into my belly for at least a day so I couldn't wear jeans and ya, you left me alone till it was gone.
I never been with a man who thought I should have sex when my mood wasn't right for any reason. As said two posts above, if he wants to go get himself off then that's good. Mind you if sex happens enough that's probably not even gonna happen unless something brought him to the need and he can't get over that feeling.
Even some bad news will ruin the moment for jumping into the sack to play for me, it's normal that we react on our feelings and sex needs to be about feelings as well as the act between two people who care about each other. Rarely have I motioned for sex and he refused but if I am just not there with it I will refuse, it's just understood. I am into it or I am not and I am more into it then not so it's not like the cookie jar is empty often enough to affect our sex life on my part.
I give openly to my man so I don't feel obligated on a day I am not into it. Not one bit and once he turns it into guilt I will probably react in the same way and I Can do better at that game.