Do You Break Up With Your Friends?

Or do you just ignore them? This might seem like a parody thread, but I'm serious. I'm very picky about people I call my friends. I've broken up with at least one friend and it was a real confrontation and showing her that I wasn't going to be her friend anymore.

I'm thinking about breaking up with another friend of mine. Under what circumstances would you break up with a friend?

 

This Is Very Hard To Put Into Words, But I Tend To Sense When A Friendship

Is About To Go On The Rocks.

No Matter Wether It's 1 Year Old Or 50, Or Even In My Case If It's Family,

Something Just Tells Me It's Time To Move On With My Life And I Do......



Cheers Glen.

 

Friends?

 

I am terrified of real life confrontation like this. I am ashamed to say I have done the fade away on two of my former friends last year. One of them messages me now and then on fb and we exchange a few words here and there. The other one just up and asked me on a date out of the blue the other day. It was a little awkward, but not unexpected. He's been checking in on me roughly once a year since I left the job I met him at in 2012. Guess I made an impression. It was sweet. I let him down easy.

It's not that I dislike these two people. It's just that since I changed jobs and moved to another town, it's just too hard to see them, and we don't have much in common anyway. The job was in a factory in a town that is notoriously poorly educated, and it was difficult for me to find ways to relate to anyone there. I live 30 minutes away. It's just not worth it to me. I used to be friends with everyone, but I pick my friends carefully these days. I used to settle, but not anymore. I have a finite amount of social energy, and they kind of just drained it without really giving much back...

 

nope. Once you're my friend you're pretty much my friend for life. I'm very accepting of flaws so I never really see a reason to stop being friends with someone. I may lose touch with friends for months at a time by we always find each other again.

 

I don't end friendships with a real break up. They either become 'latent'/inactive so to say or they 'die off' without an official end. From my part if this happens, those friends can still come into my life again years later and i will generally be glad they do so. If not, or if they would do it for the wrong reasons (who knows) then in those instances I might end it. Hasn't happened since highschool though.
I used to see friendships as something even more 'loose' or without any restraints or expectations. Now I see some friendships need at least to be kept 'cultivated' This is also because some friends moved further away or are simply occupied most of the time with work etc. and we become less close than earlier. But i would not see any point in ending it with some action, statement etc. just because I sense the friendship might be fading.

 

I have a character flaw. I reckon it started with early family dynamics--which basically were nil. I have disappeared from the lives of many, many people. Just disappeared and

never looked back.Some really good people at that. I'm sort of regretting it some now. Whatever happened to the hippies on the hill that I cared for.(big island)? How 'bout those I traveled across Canada with in 1970? The people I met on the road and spent a day or a month with. The girl that introduced me to L? Etc,etc,etc. So I never overtly broke up with friends--I just left and that was that. I told one lady in Florida when I was leaving to return west--" have a nice life." "Oh--don't say that," she replied. That was '84. Haven't seen her since.

I did resume old friendships when I returned to my hometown after 30 years. They proved to be lasting, except the suckers are dying on a regular basis.

Maybe I just enjoyed my own company too much. So it goes.

 

It's good to try to save a friendship if you think it is worth saving. Having a confrontation about a problem will usually lead to either a resolution or a clean break.

Letting friendships fade isn't always such a bad idea. You can often rekindle them later if you change your mind.

 

Well, it's not too late to get back in touch

 

Well, I'm 75 (?damn--how did that happen?)--------so I guess some or most have bit the big one. But that's why I mentioned 'character flaw'----I just won't try. Not that I want to feel that way--It just is. But, I appreciate your thought.

 

I broke off being friends with my best friend of 10 years. She lived next door and we raised our kids together.

Blah, blah, blah she divorced her husband, started drinking alot and using coke blah, blah, blah.

I let her borrow $600 on my credit card to buy Christmas for her kids. She didn't make the monthly payments she agreed to. She instead went to Disney World when her income tax refund came. She said she didn't pay from that because she didn't want her boyfriend to know she'd borrowed from me. That was bullshit.

I was going through a divorce and she talked about me, behind my back, lots of times to my soon to be ex-husband.

I ended the friendship.

That was about 15 years ago. Our daughters are still friends and I see her commenting on my daughter's facebook, but we don't speak to each other.

 

Friends come and go for me. I've got some friends I only see once a year and some friends I might see once every few years.

I don't think I end friendships, just if they aren't doing it for me anymore then there's no communication and we go separate ways. My daddy always told me I'd probably not be friends with the people I once was friends with.. I think out of all my high school friends I maybe keep in contact with 5, including my partner.. Guess when j do see them once a year we have a good time if they're even still around those areas. -shrug-

 

usually they end it with me, thru overdose on heroin..

 

I have had ways of telling friends to go fuck off. If they were friends in the first place they should of had some loyalty and strength. But I think your all talking about people that really do try to be good to you. I would just leave them alone and let the, get the message.

 

not intentionally. i've just moved around and they've moved around, and i've never been any good at keeping in touch with anyone.

i'm not a very useful friend. if something happens to someone, all i know how to do is feel helpless.

i am capable of being offended, yes. but if the offense stops and stays stopped, the past is welcome to remain there.

i don't go out of my way to seek people out, and if people imagine i'm shunning them because i don't, that's their mistake, but probably no great loss.

i like people. i like affection. but it just isn't what i live for.

 

i'm in the process of considering a friend breakup right now. usually a formal breakup is unnecessary, but i made the mistake of living with this guy. so the fade away plan won't really work.

i really wouldn't mind maintaining a friendship with him if he can handle it, but i just don't have the energy to keep living here. it feels too much like being a parent of an adult child who won't get a job and move out of mom's house.

this sounds a lot like me. except i didn't really resume any friendships when i was back in my hometown either.

basically every friendship i've had ends up feeling like this eventually. i have to assume that the issue is with me, but it is what it is.

 

For me it's always about disrespect or betrayal. It's not something I do the first time it happens, but if I see a pattern, I will end it. I really dislike confrontation too but on the other hand, there's a part of me that needs to have clearly defined boundaries and so I will put my foot down and say it's over. I broke up with this friend today. It's tough. I'm trying to not have guilt about it but the truth is because of what happened I understand that the friendship wasn't what I thought it was, I wasn't being respected or valued the way I think I should and the way I did with him.

The thing is I'm not mad at him. If I see him somewhere it's not going to be awkward for me, we can hang out, but I'm not going to keep the lines of communication open. It's just totally clear to me I don't need to spend my energy trying to be the amazing friend that I am to someone who won't appreciate it and someone who ultimately drags my energy and emotions through the gutter. I'm very sensitive in that way and I need to take care of myself and the energy I let into my life. That's something I've come to accept and appreciate about myself, because it means I can be more to the people who really get me.

On the other hand he had some really practical skills that I'm going to miss having available to me all the time.

 

Trying to have a confrontation about it is why it ended. He wouldn't communicate and that is what really bothered me. It's maybe the 3rd time he's done something like that. There could have easily been a resolution but in my opinion he is making assumptions about me and my intentions or is just frightened for me to know things about him that I don't already know. It's like he thinks I'm going to judge him or something, but it's actually important for us to have the discussion, it's not just about him.

 

Personally, I terminate all toxic relationships. In most cases it's explicit, something vague but final like "I feel that our personalities clash uncomfortably so I'm calling it quits and wishing you a nice life". Since toxic relationships are so damnably dangerous to one's mental and physical health I believe that getting out of them quickly is far more important than getting out of them gracefully, and most toxic people are the sort who won't take hints so it's best to just say it outright -- vaguely but with finality. The most toxic people are the ones who wouldn't know a hint if there were 20 pounds of them shoved up their colons, so making excuses to stay away or ignoring them doesn't work. Instead, they'll eventually become angry and confrontational because in their view they've been putting 100% of the effort into the relationship and you're the one being the jerk. It's kinda hard to argue in your own defense when you open your eyes to see that you have been being a jerk.

The only time I don't explicitly end toxic relationships is when it's someone I rarely see or talk to. It'll be said if I ever see or talk to that person again, but if I never do, so much the better.

The above-mentioned "early family dynamics" might have something to do with my not shying away from making it explicit. I had two personality disordered parents, one pathologically narcissistic and the other that and then some, further out in the more dangerous extremes of that spectrum of disorder. I wasn't allowed to have boundaries, and learned to tolerate mistreatment that most would at least protest if not flee. Having finally got around to outgrowing that, I see loyalty and respect as either two way streets or means of oppression.