Alright, where to start. I started working part time back at this job in August where I met this girl. We are both in our early/mid twenties. We never really talked but since I started hanging out with her friends we became friends within time. Starting around November/December we started hanging out together with our friends and we began messaging each other via facebook/text. Over the past month we have texting each other all day and we often go for long drives until 2am. Problem is, she has a boyfriend. She tells me how she doesn't want to be with him and that she can't stand him but they live together. She can't afford to live on her own and her family lives out of the country. She has asked him to move out (his family lives nearby) but he simply says no and tells her she is overreacting. They share the lease and it is up at the start of the summer so she said worst comes to worst she endures another few months. Our friends keep telling me how much she dislikes him and it won't last long and I should keep seeing her and making her laugh. The problem is I feel like a douchebag hanging out with someones girlfriend, but I know she nor I would ever do anything when she is still with him. I know I'm not "friend zoned" because her friends tell me that she talks about me all the time and says that she has thoughts about us dating. We both want similar things in our lives and have similar interests. When we are together it is the best, she always makes me laugh, she is smart, has so many good stories, incredibly beautiful and makes me smile every time I look at her face. Should I feel bad about hanging out with her? She never even wants to go home and he never even asks her where she goes. I think she knows how I feel (our friend is a loud mouth, swear her to secrecy and she gives it up in 5 minutes). Should I tell her that I like her and would like to date her when she figures her situation out or do I just keep hanging out with her like I'm doing? It just hard not being able to show my feelings, I want to tell her I like her and kiss her but I can't. Although I wonder if this is the little push she needs to escape her current situation? She has told our friends that the only thing that worries her about dating me is she is worried that I will lose interest in her. So I don't want to back off, if anything I'm gaining interest in her and want to tell her. At the same time I do not want to wait until her lease is up for her to just change her mind. Right now I have all my eggs in her basket, I want to date her, I want to have serious relationship with her. I turned down a date from this pretty girl in my class as I want to show her that I'm interested in her, no one else. Any advice would be great, I really could use some outside opinions.
If a home or roof is the only reason she's staying with him then provide one for her yourself and she will flock to you.
Yeah no, you are in a prime position to just relax and play the waiting game. Take this time to focus on yourself professionally, earn some $, because once these next few months are up. She'll probably move in with you, and that'll mean higher utility bills, and gifts for her, and dating expenses. For all intents and purposes, consider them "broken up", and that should help with any of this guilt you are experiencing mentally.
Run, you don't want a woman like that. She is definitely into you.. or what she thinks you can provide. Take that as a positive to yourself as a man and realize that if you did it once you can do it again. Preferably with a female who is actually loyal and not codependent on a guy she doesn't even really care about. Because trust me if you succumb to her current charm and attentiveness that will wane and you will eventually be the guy she's with now. Sets your sights higher for a woman who can be fine on her own and doesn't need to overlap men just to be ok.
How can you tell she's a moocher, rather than some girl who tried a move-in relationship with a boyfriend, and then got in a financial jam if she needed to break up? You can't make the assumption she's a gold-digger from the information provided by the OP. At best, the OP can simply insist she get her own place/space, BEFORE a romantic relationship begins.
Upon reading it a second time, I stand by my original post but you have a lot to learn. You're a romantic guy like myself and believe me I can completely relate to your thoughts. I'm trying to figure out how to articulate this without being an asshole. Put it this way - you could be fucking the shit out of her right now, she's that type. That's how you would lock her in and take her away from her unsatisfying man. But you have that romantic side and want to kiss and cuddle her but I'm telling you a chick like that might go along but you are ultimately setting yourself up for failure. The best thing you can do is still be nice but not express ANYTHING you are talking about.. at all costs. She wins at that point. Detach to a point where she starts losing her shit and tries to lock you in. Then you subtly and mechanically go along with it on your terms. I'm being serious here. You want to fuck up your psyche keep doing what you are doing. And honestly, hardship is sometimes the best way to learn. But if you want to know how to explore this connection and possibly let it develop into something healthy, without sacrificing your soul, read what I've just said multiple times.
You and I have vastly different outlooks, that is becoming apparent by your responses to my posts. I never said she's a moocher. Chances are she makes more money than both of these guys combined, and has a stronger sense of self. But at the same time, a strong woman wants a man regardless. That would be my guess. I'm talking about emotional investment on the OP's behalf here.
I'd say don't put all your eggs in her basket. It's possible to still live together because of financial obligations and not be attached. If she can't break up with this guy and stop calling him her boyfriend, then on some level she is still with him...either that or she's afraid of breaking up with him, which is still not a good situation to go into.
Hey guys, sorry I was out all weekend in the field. She is definitely not a moocher, she is very giving and is quite independent (other than the obvious fact she cannot afford rent alone, like most young people). She just needs to find a friend who also needs a place, which is proving difficult. She doesn't make tons of money, she is looking for another job so she can pay rent by herself so she can get her own place. If we do start dating we will not be living together for several years, I can tell you that right now.
**healthy relationship** **not healthy relationship** -- so you're sure I was the crazy one? I'm not even saying your advice is incorrect, but if it's correct in any world, then what the fuck does that say about women and relationships?
The OP has already showed that he's interested in this girl and all their friends know it. The only thing is that he needs to get a grip on how much thought, attention, emotions he's putting into her because, it looks like he's about to lose his cool. She's still in a relationship with someone else, that's the first thing...the second thing is even if she wasn't, it's not a great idea to go straight into a serious relationship with someone as soon as you start dating. I don't know about the being manipulative stuff that deviate is saying, but I do agree with self-preservation, rather male or female, in matters of the heart.
Seconded! I see Kokujin's point and agree with the irony about what is healthy and what is not. As for deviate, agreed we have very different perspectives and tactics on how to be guarded when it comes to social interaction. The tactics you use I don't consider to be healthy at all, but I will grant that they are effective in getting laid and in starting a relationship. I will say that my experience indicates it starts a poisoned relationship that is more likely to fail and have problems later.
Well, we stayed out until 3am just driving around and chatting. I can tell she does like me, a lot of flirting and playful touching. I don't feel like I should say anything when she is still dating someone. Really, its not fair to him or me. If I knew my girlfriend was staying out really late with some other guy I wouldn't be very happy about it. I don't want to be the reason they break up. If they break up for their own reasons (which in time they will) than I will be there offering a date. I don't want to rush into a relationship with her but you can't start the dating process when someone still has a boyfriend. I just thought it out and was thinking, I tell her I have a feelings with her and I assume she will say the same. But than what? She still has a boyfriend and obviously she is not ready to break up with him either for financial/living area or emotional reasons. So me telling her what she already knows isn't helping either of us. I don't think I'll push for anything, its something she needs to sort out for herself. I'm not going to wait six months for something to happen. I think putting all my eggs in her basket right now isn't the best choice and maybe to keep looking. As nice as she is to me and as much as I like spending time with her I kinda feel that I'm the shoulder to cry on and than she goes back to her boyfriend. I don't really want to be that guy. Not that I'm impatient but I don't think its healthy to wait for someone to breakup with their boyfriend. If I like someone, I want to act and ask them on a date not spend six months "sort of dating them". Thanks for all the help, I still want to hang out with her but maybe just relax a little bit and just see where it goes.
It is obvious the girl likes you and you like her too. But, she needs to deal with the situation at hand before the two of you can date. Now, my concern here is that there is no date in sight for her to get enough money to be able to pack out and live on her own. What happens to her and the other guy in the meanwhile? If you wait for her and she ends up with the other guy, what would you do? You need to think about it very well before you decide on what to do. Telling her your feeling is great, but will it help to hasten up her decision making? I think another alternative you have is to help her out - tell her about your feelings and provide the money she needs to for another house. But, you need to be sure of her decision before you do that.
