Beware! Novel ahead.. For a while now my fiancé (30's) and I (20's) have been having intimacy issues as in we snuggle, cuddle, tickle arms and back ect while watching telly, peck and tell each other that we love one another etc but there's no "passion". We don't tongue kiss, there's not much foreplay unless alcohol is involved and it's all a bit one sided (guess who's side?) and I've tried lots of approaches including arguing, keeping my mouth shut, talking understandingly and being straight up pathetic and begging. He recognises he has an issue and often says he feels like there is something wrong with him as he just literally does not feel like sex or being sexual, he has a doctors appointment in a few weeks to see if something is going on medically. This lack of intimacy leads to feelings of self doubt, feeling ugly, undesirable, feeling he doesn't "like me anymore" and even worrying that he is getting it elsewhere. I am desperate to put the spark back in to our relationship, we used to be great in bed (and anywhere else) but I suppose that was before kids and everything that comes with 10 years of living together. Last night I sent him a "naughty" pic of my you know what but he didn't say all that much about it, it was 2am so I figured I shouldn't expect too much. Well today I took a crap load of pictures and videos and surprisingly it made me feel really good about myself even though I have such low self esteem and bad body image. Some were flirty, some full on and so I decided to send him one of the flirty ones and low and behold he has not responded (he is at work). Should I not be taking this route? Am I annoying him or making him feel pressured? I didn't ask for anything in return I simply sent the pictures to try and turn him on, I don't expect sex from it but I did think I would get a response of some form. What should I do? Keep up with the I'm a sexy tigress act (LOL) in the hopes this gets the blood flowing or leave it be? HELP!
Okay, here's what I can give you, first off, don't leave it be, this will just make things worse and hurt your relationship significantly over time. My advise would be to just soldier on through for now and keep on trying, do what you can, definately get him looked at by a doc, maybe try therapy? I know, I haven't really told you much of what you don't already know, but it's better than nothing, yes,? But definately, and most importantly, don't leave it be, that's a big no-no.
A lack of passion is not uncommon in long term relationships. Your low self esteem, his lack of desire, and fighting about (or constantly discussing) the sex you are having, tends to be toxic in the bedroom. As for how to fix it, there is no easy answer. Based on what you wrote here I would say that him seeing a doctor can't hurt, but I would be willing to bet what is going on with him is more mental than physical. Sex can be the last thing on ones mind when they are tired, feel pressured, or are just bored. So, what would I suggest... Stop self sabotaging your sex life. You felt sexy taking pictures, so do that. If he doesn't get a thrill out of them, it is his loss. Keep a file on your computer, and take the pictures that make you feel sexy. Stop assuming that he is cheating unless there are other signs besides how often you have sex, or how excited he is. Many times an affair would actually increase the sex you get, and bring back the passion. There is SO much more to cheating than your sex life being in a low spot. Cheating tends to impact the entire relationship, in good or bad ways depending on the situation. If he isn't getting you off, step up and get the job done. You want foreplay, you may have to make it happen. In a perfect world he would put as much effort into your sex life as you do, but this world is far from perfect. Try giving him a blow job while you masturbate. Switch it up a little. Get on top and ride him while you play with your breasts, masturbate, or whatever feels good. You know the drill, try new things. Your biggest obstacle is how you both feel and/or think. You feel sad and neglected because you think he isn't hot for you, and he may feel so pressured, tired, stressed, whatever that he cannot perform at a level that leaves you breathless. Send the kids away for the weekend and have one rule, stay naked. Don't force anything, just enjoy being kid free and naked, and see where it goes. This may sound strange, but stop making the quality of sex and passion an issue, and just enjoy the sex life you do have. Be in the moment, instead of worrying and focusing on what isn't happening; enjoy what is. Sometimes when you just stop trying to fix something, it stops being an issue because you aren't spending your time worrying about it all of the time. If that makes sense. Most people would rather hear moans and groans than complaints and criticism. Just a suggestion. Good luck!
One thing, fatigue and stress can REALLY keep us boys from getting in the mood. He's in his 30's too, so am I, and I can tell you it gets worse the older we get. When I was in my 20's, it seemed like I was craving for sexual release at least once every few days. Sometimes I would crave a couple in the same day. I'm in my late 30's now, and I just recently masturbated to orgasm after probably like a week and a half of not even feeling that kind of "need". That's kind of my rhythm right now: one orgasm every week to two weeks. Last year when I was actually able to physically hang out with my girlfriend(I'm in a long distance relationship), my sexual appetite was greater. Now, I have to actually plan to have an orgasm because it's become a chore for me in a way. My girlfriend hasn't really sent me a lot of selfies in the past six months, especially sexy ones, and I for one am grateful she hasn't done so. I'll explain; I wouldn't want her to TRY so hard in this relationship to begin with. I like to think that she and I connect deeply in an emotional sense, and believe it or not, we ARE sexually compatible. It's just that life sometimes gets in the way of things. If she started sending me all kinds of sexy pics all the time, I'd start feeling uncomfortable. The way I look at it, I think what your partner craves right at this moment is comfort, not sex. Right now, that's what I need the most, too, so I decided to offer this perspective of mine. Of course, there's ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with your taking sexy pics of yourself. I would encourage you to keep doing that if it boosts your self confidence. But I'd keep the pics to yourself for now, if I were you. Wait till he's gotten the result of the doctor's evaluation, then plan your next move. Patience is a virtue, ::The AT::
