A man comes home from work to find his wife sliding down the banister. "What are you doing?" he asks. "Warming up your dinner."
A mother is making a cake for her three sons when she accidentally drops some BB's from the shelf into the batter. She decides that it won't matter and continues to make the cake. Later that day, her sons eat the cake and don't even notice the BB's. The next day, when the mother is reading a magazine on the couch, one of her sons runs in saying, ''Mom, mom, I pissed out a BB!'' She says ''That's okay, son. I accidentally dropped some BB's into the cake batter. You'll be fine.'' Five minutes later, one of the other sons, come running in and he says, ''Mom, mom, I-'' but the mother cuts him off and she says, ''I know, I know, you pissed out a BB. I dropped it into the cake batter, but you'll be fine.'' Then her last son runs in the room, and he says, ''Mom, mom, I-'' and the mother cuts him off and says, ''I know, I know, you pissed out a BB. It's my fault for dropping it in the cake batter, but you'll be fine.'' But then son says, ''No, no, I was masturbating and I shot the dog!"
One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them. The first lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, and the third one's arm was too short to reach.
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe." Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." "No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."
One day at the Banana in Pajamas house B1 says to B2 'B2, I want you to promise me you're not going to wank today while I'm at work because I want you to be ready for me when I get home'. 'OK I promise' says B2. B1 goes to work full of excitment, and when the day is over he races home. He reaches the front gate and finds cum on it. He opens the gate and goes up the garden path which is covered with cum. Cum is all over the front door, through the hallway, up the stairs and on the landing. By now B1 is pretty damm pissed. He opens the bedroom door to be hit in the face with wads of cum. B2 is sitting in the middle of it. B1 is furious. 'B2 you promised me you weren't going to wank today!' 'B1 I didn't wank! I farted'.
Q: What's the difference between dark and hard? A: It stays dark all night. Q: If a stork brings white babies and a crow brings black babies, what bird brings no babies at all? A: A swallow.
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" (Paul slumps back over the bar again.) "I kicked her in the face."
A young secretary, gets twelve red roses delivered to her desk. Noticing this, another older female co-worker says " Aren’t those beautiful ! Your boyfriend is SO sweet to send those to you." The younger gal groans her reply "Yeah, but you know what this means?" "It means I’ll be spending the next 3 DAYS on my back, with my ankles in the air." Puzzled by her comment, her co-worker pats her on the back & answers " It’ll be ok dearie......all you have to do is purchase a vase?"
I wasn't sure where to put this. It's not that dirty: A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued." The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you." He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?" The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"
My new girlfriend says that having a small penis shouldn't effect a loving relationship! I would rather she didnt have one though
They brought in water once a week in a tank truck so the kids could bath on sunday out behind the farmhouse. Monday three of those kids are in the back of the pickup with the cow to take it to stud because they wanted to go along for the ride suddenly cow turns from facing the kids near the cab to having it's ass end facing the kids, two of the kids instinctively jumps up on top of the cab of the pickup and the third gets shit on by the cow. The dirty story being the kid that got shit on has to wait till sunday for a bath.
Paddy found a note stuck on his door from his saucy blonde neighbor earlier , saying "I want you to come round tonight and fuck me stupid". Paddy says she can Piss off , Nobody calls me names then asks for a favor.
Lol Good one ^^^^ I was lying on the bed last night trying to pull my boxers off. When the missus walked in took one look at me and said " you spoil those fucking dogs "
"You can tell a lot about a person by the beer they drink", I said to a bloke at the bar. "really ?" He replied , "so what can you tell me about me?" "Your a ****" I said "what makes you say that?" he asked I said "That's my Beer your drinking"
