Dilemma

Discussion in 'Coming Out and Confused!' started by Tsubasa, May 14, 2004.

  1. Tsubasa

    Tsubasa Member

    Hmm..how to start. I have a bit of an interesting situation on my hands these days. My best friend of eight years, who I am living with next year, came out to me not long ago. He told me that this was something he was struggling with for a long period of time. Something he'd known since elementary school at least.
    This came as a shock to me for a number of reasons. One being, he's had two girlfriends in the past year. Another being I simply never considered the idea. When I asked him about the girls he'd dated he said he felt obligated to keep up pretenses for his family and friends.
    Now, I can see him not wanting to admit this to his family, as they are rather conservative. But our group of friends isn't exactly without our own smattering of sexualities. In high school, I know we had three different friends who were gay with who we would hang out, and multiple older friends as well.
    I hate to perpetuate stereotypes as well, but I have been actively involved in theatre and now am a theatre major, and this does put me in contact with a number of homosexuals. I have aboslutely no problem connecting with, working with and being friends with any of the gay men and women I have met.
    Yet, my friend felt uncomfortable telling me or anyone. I am surprised to find that he might not have been wrong. I can't really come to grips with what he's told me. I don't consider myself homophobic by any means, but I simply cannot reconcile my image of my friend and my friend as a gay man in my mind. They two ideas just cannot become one.
    He came out to me first, and since has told our next closest friend and his parents. I imagine that he will come out soon to the rest of our friends and soon be completely open. And as much as I would love to support him, because he is my friend and I love him as I do any of my friends, I am struggling with this issue.
    Basically what I'm looking for is has anyone met this situation before and have advice or maybe a direction to steer my thinking? I am honored that he would put such trust in me and I don't want to let him down, but I can't help but think that I will do exactly that if I cannot come to terms with what he has told me. I don't see at as bad, I just cannot see it. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

    Thanks and Peace,
    Tsubasa
     
  2. mystical_shroom

    mystical_shroom acerbic

    Do you see why he would hesitate in telling you or anyone else for that matter...because of this type of thing.

    I can understand you being shocked and surprised but he is still the same person. When I told people I was bi-sexual..no one at all had a problem with it, nore changed how they acted around me. I am still the same person I was when I came out of my mom.
    I think you are being a little selfish maybe because you are thinking about how it is affecting you and what you are going through and how you are going to come to terms with this...your friend needs all the support he can have right now. And for him to come to you first and tell you means alot and you should really recognize that and put everything you feel aside and be there for him and support him. He is still your friend and he needs your support that is why he came to you in the first place, he felt a trust with you.
    I am just giving my thoughts and such, and if its no good, sorry.
    Hope everything works out and that nothing changes between your friendship.
     
  3. Tsubasa

    Tsubasa Member

    That's what I know I have to do, I don't feel any different towards him at all. He is still my best friend as always, and I know the incredible trust he has shown me by coming to me first. And I am going to support him however I can, but what I am having trouble with is convincing myself that he is gay. To him and to everyone else, I a being the supportive friend, there to listen, defend, etc. But inside, it's almost as if I have turned him into two people. One who says things that has anything to do with him being gay, and the rest of the time it's just him. I am perfectly comfortable with him and his sexuality, but mentally I can't make it work. If that makes sense.
    I think that I may just be a little overwhelmed. I'll keep being supportive as you suggest and do what I can, I'll see if I can't just sort this out with a bit of time.
     
  4. mystical_shroom

    mystical_shroom acerbic

    You're right you are overwhelmed and you are still a little surprised. But definitely over time that will definitely go away...
    Have you ever considered talking to him about it or anything?
     
  5. jungee

    jungee Member

    I understand what you feel; cause even if you're accepting of gay people it's not the same when it's your child, friend, parent..it just affects you more because you want to "save" them from the pain. i recall when cher said she had trouble accepting her daughter chastity bono was a lesbian even though she had been around gays all her career and was a gay icon herself! that says a lot
    but realize that your friend has come to terms with his orientation, and he is on his own journey. you do not have to accept it right away, but you can be supportive. with time you'll find out how personally enriching it can be to have a friend who is gay or lesbian ;) (your lucky man!)
     
  6. mynameiskc

    mynameiskc way to go noogs!

    it's just gonna take time. your feelings are very understandable, being your first reaction. something like this isn't a "i'm going to dye my hair purple" sort of thing. it's a totally new aspect of your best friend that you had no idea about. i'm sure once it's had time to fully settle in your mind you'll wonder why you were so struck by it in the first place. just keep being his friend and remember that he's still the same guy, you just know even more about him now.
     

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