Difficulty caring for my wife after surgery.

She just had back surgery and I'm taking care of her the best I can. I spend my days with her while she lays in bed reading or watching TV. I get up to help when she needs to rotate, I take her to the bathroom, help her take a shower, put on her socks, help her take her meds - whatever she needs, I'm there for her whenever she moves or asks for help - morning day and night.

The problem is that every day she gets angry with me for helping her. She's been independent her entire life, and this is her first surgery where she is reliant upon someone else for the things she normally does.

She tells everyone I'm a fantastic husband and doing everything she needs, but every day she gets short with me, gets angry and treats me poorly.

I know this is mostly because she is feeling bad about having to be reliant upon me, and/or the meds are making her edgy.

It's been going on for 2 weeks now and I'm really struggling with the anger and abuse from her. I love her dearly and want to help in every way I can, but I don't know how much more I can take. She's going to need help for another 6 weeks while she recovers.

We've talked about this and she promises to be nice, but the anger pops up again later that evening - it's repetitive every night.

I've suggested hiring a nurse to care for her, but she doesn't want that either.

Anyone have any suggestions? I'm all ears...

 

Well, I guess this will sound stupid and maybe childish, but ---just say OK and leave for a while or just retire to another room and don't answer her requests or needs. You shouldn't have to put up with mistreatment just because she was independent in her prior days. This is NOT her prior days. This is now and she is disabled. She should be unequivocally grateful for your loving care.

 

I did just that one night. She was angry at me and said I was trying to kill her. I couldn't believe she said that and I got fired back that she can't believe that to be true. She ended up telling me to get out and stay out - I tried to stay (and should have), but he continued to tell me to leave. I spent the night in the guest room monitoring her every move (we have cameras in our home). The next morning she apologized and felt bad.

Things haven't gotten that bad since, but she's still volatile, and it something happens every evening to put a damper on the night. Last night she rolled over in bed and said she didn't want to talk to me - then just went to sleep. Last night's issue came as I was drying her legs off from her shower (she can't bend, twist or lift), when she had a problem with how I was drying her legs. She never told me what I did wrong, but she still had a problem with it. This morning she again said she was sorry, and it wouldn't happen again.

She's not normally like this. It's just since surgery.

 

I think you need help, i.e., assistance.
In the UK we could go to our local family doctor and help could be provided, if not by the district nurse, then, a "care package" provided by the central health services.
I hope you have that option or that she may have siblings who can share the load?
Looking after someone (your wife); it doesn't mean it can only be you. It can also include you ensuring others help.

Also; when looking after my mum who had parkinson's and several periods of hallucinations and anger, as her meds were changed, I found it helped to consider her not being herself - it was her drugs talking.
I could redirect my frustration at them and not be so upset with her anger and (verbal) abusiveness. That was; until it reached the point where it was impossible to ignore that our mum was 'gone' because she was absolutely a different person.
Your wife is in physical difficulty (as opposed to cerebral need), but the same management system might work for you.

Also, as others have said, don't be there instantly as soon as she asks for help.
Just like with children, if you were there every time, the instant they call for help, you'd have no life at all.
hth

 

Thank you so much for the caring response!

She has a brother that lives many hours from us, and her mother is 93 and living in a Senior Care Facility - so I can not lean on them for support.

I've suggested a nurse, but she just won't have it.

Hopefully our conversation this morning will help - we'll see how it goes and I'll report back.

I really appreciate the comments thus far!

 

Back pain was a monster, man. I don't know how my wife put up with me, she is a saint. The pain is just constant and nothing much touches it. Askng for help is really hard and the pain makes you an animal. Once she said I was about to throw some red meat in your cage there. It was the worst and pretty much made me crazy.

However, after the surgery, things got better and to this day I am appreciative. Inch by inch.

 

Subject to the US being similar to the UK in this regard; is it an option for you, that you could speak to her family doctor and explain the issue?
Patient confidentiality may prevent open discussion by the doctor but, remember, she or he has heard it all before and they can instigate the proceedings, in terms of proactively setting up nursing visits. Again, in terms of UK, you're not alone; you just need to access the necessary resources and I hope it's the same in the US.

 

No--you're on your own here. No socialized medicine. Back pain is hell! I was on the roof in Hawai'í back in 74 when a disc in my back broke. It was hell getting down off the roof, into my car and getting home. My girl friend took me to a hospital in Honolulu and since I had long hair at that time--a doctor said--"I don't believe you--I think you're faking. Get on out of here." Eventually got it fixed , but needed the services of a chiropractor every so often to rid me of pain. Back pain WILL change your personality for a time, until it's relieved.

 

She's had spinal fusion, laminectomy and a herniated disc that was removed. They just took the staples out of her back and has been wearing a back brace since surgery 2 weeks ago. Has to wear it for another 6 weeks minimum.

The back pain, the Oxy and the muscle relaxers are taking a toll on her.

 

Maybe try having her talk to a therapist on the phone or through a zoom call, see if they could give her some suggestions on how to manage her aggressive behavior and talk about her anger at losing her independence. If she refuses, tell her that if she doesn't, she would leave you no choice but to hire a nurse against her wishes.
I also think more interaction between the two of you besides when you are helping her would be beneficial. Instead of just being there when she needs you, you could read to each other or shut the TV off and talk or play some sort of board game or card games if possible. Maybe talk about and plan a vacation for when she is all healed and mobile again. Finding recipes together then you try to cook them for her...anything to take some of the focus off of her current state might help.

 

Here's my advice; talk to her about how unpleasant it is and how it hurts your feelings any time it pops up. Then just be silent to her for like 30 minutes to an hour; she may learn that it hurts you from that.

 

That fusion surgery is a real bitch, luckily I dodged that bullet. Just be careful of the oxy, that shit gets out of hand so easy. That's the only stuff I lost time on...Thursday?? I thought it was Tuesday.. but it gets you through the rough part. If you haven't yet, see about a sleep aid. Ambien was a God send - it was a guaranteed 8 hour break from pain. It will get better.

 

We had a good talk the other morning and since then, she hasn't gotten angry with me - a little short once, but not angry, so maybe it will work without further intervention. She told me I don't deserve her anger, and she will do her best to stop.

I spend all my days next to her either on the bed watching TV or reading a book - I'm not there just when she needs me. I do have to leave the room to cook, clean, laundry, store etc., but the rest of the time I'm by her side.

We already have vacation plans for the next year, and continue to make plans together for weekend get-aways, concerts etc.

 

Yeah, I did that the other morning - seems to be working for now.

 

She's lost her days as well. She cut her Oxy back to 50% yesterday as she doesn't want it to get out of hand.

She doesn't have any trouble sleeping on her meds. She's starting to sleep through the nights now, and periodically through the day (she's sleeping now).

 

I was once in the same situation as you, to the point I used to even have to help her move and change sides when uncomfortable on the bed. I too noticed her starting to get snappy with me and being weird with me. Later when she got better and talked about it there were two things I found out that may help you. No1 was, she would lash out at me and vent her internal frustrations on me most ultimately cus she knew out of everyone despite what she did I would never turn my back on her or leave her and also her being conflicted and not wanting to put me through her condition or see her like that so would also try to push me away. The other thing No2 she told me this herself, sometimes she just wanted to be hugged, held and feel loved and feel like a woman, rather than her mind playing tricks like she due to her condition ws just someone who I was stuck with and just helping out of pitty. Give her more affection,, hugs, kisses ect, try to do things together that are fun working around her condition and continue to reassure her you are there cus you love her no mater if she is ill or healthy, thin or fat it dont mater. Hope this is able to help in some way.
I used even do her hair and make up and shave her legs ect so she could feel better

 

My housemate gets thoroughly enraged with me because (A) I don't believe anything she says, and (B) I do absolutely nothing to protect her from the poison gas, ray guns, and satellite dishes. We've been on the psychosis merry-go-'round together for going on 5 celibate years.

Facing the specter of a possible future of disability and chronic pain must be absolutely terrifying for her. At the heart of her anger is fear. Her angst really has nothing to do with you; you're just a lightning rod. Very hard to do, but try not to take any of it personally.
I wish you patience, and I wish your wife deep healing and peace.

 

It helps knowing others have gone through this and that I'm doing most things correctly. I have washed her hair and she has complained about not being able to shave her legs. I'm going to take your suggestion and offer to do it for her. She doesn't wear much makeup, but I don't think I have the skill to do what she needs, so I'll leave that to her but make the offer too.

Thanks for the input/info!

 

Thank you for your thoughts and wisdom!

 

I offered to shave her legs and she said she would LOVE that.

Thanks for the suggestion!