Diary Of A Girl With A Mean Mom

Maybe it's because I'm a mom now. Maybe it's because I'm in painfully close proximity to my mother for the first time since I was 15. These little childhood mini-traumas keep eating at me lately. It struck me that little traumatic experiences are some of my most vivid childhood memories. To think of my sweet little boy and girl growing up with lasting memories of fear and helplessness is heartbreaking.

I don't want to be the source of those memories, but the ironic thing is that this gnawing resentment toward my mother has the potential to turn me into an angry creature just like her.

She has lasting resentment toward her mother. Her brother came to visit and she couldn't resist dredging up old stories about her mother, stories that I myself have heard many times throughout my life.

And I want to punish her. I wanted to post what I'm about to post here on facebook so she could see it and know that everyone we both know could see it. I wanted to publicly shame and humiliate her.

She only hit me in the usual way, spanking in anger as they say, broke a few kitchen utensils on me ass. No big deal.

But it was her anger and her dark meanness that burned into me. Like the time I wanted to go swimming in the little plastic pool in the back yard and she told me it was too cold, but I insisted like an unreasonable child might. So she filled it from the hose and let me go swim and she was right, as an adult might be, about it being to cold to swim But then she locked me out of the house and left me freezing and wet in a swimsuit, didn't answer my knocking, just left me for hours and then came back to find me curled in a ball on the patio and said something like "your lips are purple. you can come in now"

I'm sure she was trying to teach me a lesson about listening to your mother when she tells you it's too cold to swim. Still it was fucking mean. It was mean and I never forgot it.

And I hate that she has imprinted her cold, mean bitterness on me.

 

Entry 1: Rude Awakening

I got my first camera in my Easter basket when I was 4. I was so excited. The next morning the first thing I did when I woke up was grab my new camera and go into my mother's room and snap her picture.

I was delighted... for one split second.

But she fucking snapped. She jumped out of bed furious. She was screaming and enraged. I had never seen her like this before and I didn't know what I did wrong. She said something like "How would you like it if I took your picture when you just got out of bed?" I know know that my mother has some deep fear and anxiety about terrible pictures of her existing, but at the time I had no concept of such vanity and in no way did my mother ever look "bad" to me. At least not before that moment.

She grabbed the camera. She kept screaming at me. She wasn't just angry. It was like something dark and evil had taken over her. To this day, I have never seen her so terrifying. I was hiding all over the house, but she was following me around screaming and snapping my picture. I remember diving into my toybox and burying myself in stuffed animals. I just didn't want to see her face looking like that. NOW she looked bad to me. And she pulled all the stuffed animals off of me and snapped more pictures of me.

I. was. so. terrified. of. her.

This went on for what felt like hours. It was probably half an hour.

For years I had those pictures (not the one of her, she must have thrown that away when we had them developed) of me red-faced and crying, hiding behind various pieces of furniture. A reminder of what happens when you take a bad picture of your mother.

My first roll of film.

 

What was your mother wearing? It is possible that you surprised her masturbating which embarrassed to the point of intense anxiety which is a sign of the repression of personal dignity. We believe the horrible things people say about us and we become repressed from the need to fit in. I think and I am referring to your second entry that because of your youth you didn't recognize that you challenging a deeply instilled taboo and she reacted hysterically displaying the precise cause of the outbreak by following you around with unwanted candid attention. 'She was projecting onto you what she was feeling and that she was overwhelmed indicates she simply had no control. we are going to remedy this situation at large by reflecting on the source of my description.

Our biological machine is in a class called mammal and each and everyone of us mammals has the same functional equipment and so in fact our taste of experience is identical. Your preference of particular experience within that shared matrix is a matter exclusively of your own choosing.You identify the source of peculiar behavior by looking at your own peculiarities in related to similar situations or tapping into the relevant emotions present and relate them to your own causes. Rule of thumb uncivil behavior is not intentional but out of control even though one so engaged thinks he might be justifiably employed by anger. Anger is not justifiable in any form considering that you are real. it is like being angry at a plant or the weather and it sure makes for and angry cadre of worldly constituents. I prefer to be happy.

I like your scene form the Bakshi movie Wizzards

 

She wasn't masturbating. She was asleep when I walked into the room.

She is really insecure, especially when it comes to photographs. She would never smile for pictures because she hated her smile and thought it looked bad. And in recent years since she has aged and gain weight, simply will not allow a photograph to be taken of her.

** I have had this signature since I joined hf like 7 years ago. I quite like it as well and have come to identify with it as part of *my* hf avatar.

 

i remember when you posted it I sent you a note. that was an inspirational movie to me and there was a gag in it that was repeated in the movie indiana jones. In the animated movie after an intense wizardly posturing the other wizard instead of using magic power pulls out a hand gun and shoots the one with the sexy moves. Same thing happened in the indiana movie where a potential assailant is threatening with fancy sword handling and jones takes out his gun and calmly shoots him.

So I take it you recognize exactly the situation with your mom and recognize the extent of your experience so the question comes to me why do you call her mean?

 

I expect what you mean is why can I not forgive her humanness, honor the reflection of insecurity and emotion and love her.

I wish I could. I've landed here back in her home because I couldn't support my babies. And I am constantly around her. Her anger is persistent and frivolous, spewed out haphazardly in front of my toddler and baby.


Entry 2: Present Day Present Time

A letter of pure unadulterated resentment to my mother,
I can’t put into words how truly miserable it is to be living with you in your home now after 18 years of sweet, sweet physical distance from you. Your relentless grotesque displays of anger, anger at the tiniest of problems, your ugly pursed angry mouth spewing cursing rage in front of my beautiful emotionally forming babies. You walk into a room and you carry darkness and hatred into it with you on your miserable stress-hunched back.

I have never trusted you emotionally. You have betrayed my confidence at every opportunity. And worse yet, I’ve always felt you get some sick satisfaction from my failures and unhappiness. So being here trapped in this toxic environment because I failed to support my little accident family and lost hold of my one achievement in life, moving far far away, I feel like you are smug about it while trying to suck me into your world of blind, unforgiving anger with your gnawing, grating hateful existence.
I will not carry this disgusting resentment with me and grow into a terrible unhappy creature. I will release it and take back my life and my little accident family and my blessed physical distance and my happiness

 

Then your situation is one of circumstance and it is of this that you can trace your conflict. if it is not safe for your children then you could make substantial changes. You are not required to lean on your mother for assistance, there is other available. If you feel so strongly that it is unnerving you that is also not helpful to you children it flows from you to the same extent as you experience it. It is not that you can't it is that you won't and blaming your mother for her obviously out of control
behavior is a justification for your neglect of facts you know in preference to relieving your own discomfort. If you can't for yourself then who can?
That statement reflects your incapacity not your mothers behavior, that is a health issue

 

you are such a beautiful person and I am here for all of you for real till the day I die I hope n pray that I will always be open to hearing any of your struggles I pray for her mother n that she realizes the pain that she has caused you and I love you and am here for you but if you dislike it I don't give a fuck cause im real you know we all are real but im honest.. thaats what really mean. one love

 

These little childhood mini-traumas keep eating at me / gnawing resentment toward my mother has the potential to turn me into an angry creature just like her. And I want to punish her. I wanted to post what I'm about to post here on facebook so she could see it and know that everyone we both know could see it. I wanted to publicly shame and humiliate her.

After reading your short episode of goosebumps i couldn't help but but feel a huge sense of hatred of course in every sentence. u have contracted the disease of fear, and you are so self centered to the point where u are blind to the fact that you are now insane. If i was you id probably just get away from the people u loved so u wouldn't infect them. wait the people u love too - u guys probably pour poison in each others food on daily basis. This just blows my mind. you are completely lost in your selfish self centered "poor me look what my mom did to me" shit. dont u think its time to grow up, If u noticed the entire post u left was about you. you.you.you. when was the last time u have done anything for anybody else? my point is when u arrange your life in such a way that u are in a service attitude to others. your kind of diseased perception wont exist. II wish i could feel bad, and offer some compassionate advice. But it seems u are just a weird mean person. Ok please dont come near me, later.

 

"you are such a beautiful person and I am here for all of you for real till the day I die I hope n pray that I will always be open to hearing any of your struggles I pray for her mother n that she realizes the pain that she has caused you and I love you and am here for you but if you dislike it I don't give a fuck cause im real you know we all are real but im honest.. thaats what really mean. one love"

This person is an idiot too. what the fuck is wrong the people here?

 

Sorry Joker 8six, your post is bullshit.

I'm sure that there are kids out there who have been more severely abused by their parents. I'm sure there are people who have overcome greater adversity.

It seems to me though that she has a legitimate complaint about her mom. At least some of the things she is describing are straight-up child abuse.

Talking about what happened is probably a good idea. Getting away from her sounds like an even better idea.

Are you still out there TS? Are you still in the situation of having to live with her?

 

i agree talking about it will help. But she is clearly insane. If posting on thiwbforum is het only means of reaching out she is in WAY over hea. Seems she is at tge point.of no return. And its not uncommon for people to leave their body with these problems.

 

we agree only that talking about it will help

 

^can depend on who you talk to....room full of strangers is anonymous, enough, i guess....
i don't judge.

 

She is not insane. She is a human with parental problems that are overwhelming her. She comes here because there are sympathetic and caring folks that don't mind and even CARE TO HELP, if possible. You and your grand total of 35 posts might like to stick around for a while and try to pick up on why some people post here, troubles and all. OR NOT.

 

did u read this womans post??? the nature of her mood is Twisted. Like a bad nightmare, this is no ordinary attitude for somebody to maintain. people. Like this cause anxietyy and distress to anyone they associate with, and thats bullshit why should others suffer becaus. One refuses to[SIZE=12.8000001907349px] take responsibility for their hanis behavior and understand they are likely to cause more disturbance acting, this way and wtf?? If she truly doesn't like the "torture"she created or went thru or imagined , she should at least get straight for the sake of others. BUT she cant, because she is too worried about HER dilemma. we cant keep.going on like this, enuf is enuf, people like her need to wake up and accept responsibility for her own life. And its funny how if your able to, decide to cultivate an attitude of gratitude, and begin to consider others before ur self. How much of all that lifestyle she is seemingly drowning in Starts to disappear. one out of unlimited aspects is that your heart is like a menu. when u go out to a restaurant. U have a menu u open and u are then able to choose and order anyone of the various items on that menu. Well with the menu of our heart, if there is all dirty rotteN things to choose from, we will be presented with a dirty rotten dish and indulging in dirty, lower nature qualities = suffering. if u rewrite the menuu of ur heart and arrange that there is only nice, sweet, realistic options to choose from. Than this is what u will be presented with and able to enjoy. Her terrible approach to her Solution is the basis of my dis contempt. and sorry scratch, she might be a human sure but the attitude she is expressing is anti human, and it seems i have offended you. maybe ur better off going to the drug rehab center and spending ur time there justifying terrible behavior of their lower nature and wile ur kissing their asses they will be reaching into your pocket stealing your money. i dont think you have really took this womans angle or point of view or her trajectory into consideration.[/SIZE]

 

You have to let this go and move forward with your life.


By moving back with your mother and not forgiving her, you remain a child. You are blocking your own chance to become a fully functioning adult. You'll continue to see yourself as a victim. Even worse, you keep your negative feelings and anger alive.

That is what is going to harm your children. Your hatred is a horrible energy and you are putting it out there. You are going to have to forgive her and when bad memories invade your head, remove them. This is your life...like a movie and you are the director...change the script, change the cast...change it all.

 

What Tuesday Star has described is objectively child abuse. She has every right and reason to be angry about that, and expressing anger about that is probably very healthy.

Hopefully, she will get to a point where the memories are no longer tormenting her. Hopefully she will also be able to separate herself from her mom, or maybe get the situation to be livable, perhaps with the help of a counselor. Getting out is probably the best solution. In the mean time, expressing some anger about her experiences is perfectly sane and justifiable.

Advice like "move on" and "forgive" is easy to to give when you aren't the one getting the stick end up the ass.

 

Wow. I know this is your mother and you may be the only one you would like to have speaking ill of her, but... FUCK HER. She sounds like a monster. I used to feel like something had possessed my mother, but now that I am grown, I realize something had. I have the same OCD she has. The difference is, I am painfully aware of how it affected me when she would go on endless screaming rants and not be able to stop herself. Sometimes I feel that out of control and it terrifies me that I will become just like her, but as my therapist has pointed out, I was much more self-aware at a younger age than she has been in her 62 years on this planet, so my fears of becoming just like her are already unfounded. We were raised by sick women and we are bound to be marked by that, but that's not who we are. If you find yourself starting to act out in anger toward your children, surely you will check yourself and hopefully seek treatment. The fact that you are already aware and concerned is a fantastic sign, as is the fact that you did not post this on facebook and instead came here first. Good luck on your journey to forgiving yourself and her. Take all the time you need.

 

Wow. You're a special kind of fellow, aren't you? This is offensive and damaging and everything people fear hearing about themselves. Congratulations on making the least constructive post in the thread. People are supposed to just take abuse and not feel any type of anger toward it or they're "insane" or "weird mean" people? What planet do you live on? The post was about her getting shit off her chest. OF COURSE IT WAS ABOUT HER. What did you think it was going to be about exactly? You sounds like a sociopath. Or you're angry about your own life. Or your life is so sunshiny and fucking wonderful that you can't conceive of suffering unless it's bleeding in front of you. Grow up. Learn a little about people who have been through trauma. Your ignorance is embarrassing.