depression

The Blues.

You always give us perspective, billyjean.

 

Rofl, emo free is the biggest bullshit ever haha. My counsler suggested that shit, no thank you, gimme my meds. lol

 

And really and ultimately: Everything we experience is bullshit, isn't it? So why not medicate?

And to go further: Why not just let it all pass over us, unacknowledged, while we just...experience...and let it all wash over us without touching us.

 

Because meds feel alot better

 

And are God's gift to let us...be...like other people.

And all the sanctimonious souls who have never had to actually experience this hell can take their opinions and advice and...shove it.

Quite frankly. Because they really don't have a clue about what the universe is like for you and me.

 

By all means, have your meds then.

 

Jeezus Zen, take your meds, you cranky old man.

 

Anti-depressants are horrible, flattens your personality and makes you all indifferent, deforms your whole self-being, might aswell take some opium then.

 

I don't like them either - I don't want my little girl to take them, but I would rather she take meds and stay alive than blow meds off and kill herself. I'm just hoping the meds will keep her going while she finds something deeper within herself that she needs to find - and obviously she won't find anything at all if she's dead, will she?

 

just popping in to say thank you everyone who posted because i've been reading here for days. just getting through some stuff aaand trying to quit cigarettes too. (yellow american spirits). bleh.
but this thread has really helped me alot. so much inspiring and funny.
i was on meds (paxil) for two years a few years back and now i need to get a thyroid and hormone test to see if that's a main factor for the current issue(s).
in the meantime, i'm seeing the grooviest hippielady doc and it is helping me immensely. i want to try to stay away from the rx meds (and stick with the herb). the paxil helped me back then and while it's not for me anymore, i can appreciate that different folks (in different situations) need different strokes.

Newport_smoker: hope you're feeling better. talking it out with someone works wonders.
zengizmo: hope everything works out for your girl.

 

No matter what happens I know things will get better so I never get depressed. I may get a little bummed but I haven't been depressed in well over a year. And in my young age even when I did get depressed when I was young I knew I would never kill myself(at least not until I'm old, I might go out like HST) because things will get good and you've got to keep on truckin'. I knew a guy who hung himself and I thought that was so stupid, why would a 16 year old want to leave this life behind and miss out on so much life has to offer?

 

Thank you, lavender. I'm glad you're finding something helpful here.

 

^ yes, most helpful indeed.
and an income tax refund doesn't hurt for uplifting one's outlook (temporary as it may be).
paying off outstanding bills = what a load off!

 

Yes, well every bit helps.

My outstanding bills will haunt me until doomsday, I fear...

But hell, even Abraham Lincoln suffered mountains of debt...it's all in how you handle your circumstances, isn't it?

And if civilization collapses, debts will be like fairy tales, won't they? Real or mythical, who can really say?

However I don't think it will be that bad. I think civilization will recover - this time.

 

As for depression...

why is the darkness always there except for when I need to drown..

 

we're in excellent company then!
~ handling better, step by baby step

 

the darkness is like a toxin. until you flush it out of your system it'll remain. it likely recedes when you need to "drown" because of a self preservation mechanism that kicks in and takes precedence in your mind.

 

Yeah it's dependant on you ... it bitches and lies about you seeking your negative attention. Turn and start walking away and it freaks out ... keep walking and it's like "Hey friend!" - Just keep walking away. It's needy, desparate and shallow but really it just wants love like anyone does, so love it as you walk away because as long as you keep giving it the attention it wants it won't see it's own nature.

It's a fickle friend.

 

Any thoughts on how you flush it out of your system?

I'm going to tell you what my spirit guide Deanna said, because she is of course my hero, as well as being Supreme Exalted Bitchmeister and Queen of the Psychic Hags - AND having a nice ass. What was I talking about? Oh, yeah, darkness. She told me years ago in an e-mail that I would keep having the same problems because there was something inside me that I needed to find and deal with. Then of course she helped me by turning on me and getting me fired from my job and refusing to speak to me for years until a few months ago. So recently I reminded her of what she had said, and I asked how to remove whatever was inside me. She wrote back that if I just keep looking at it, it will gradually fade away.

But in order to do that, you need to find whatever it is first. Lately discussions on this forum and events in my life have been bringing me the awareness that there is some kind of hellish darkness inside me. But I can't seem to pinpoint it or understand where it came from and what it represents.

Interestingly my drinking seems to be rousing it from its slumber. My wife told me that last night, after I had been drinking heavily as is my wont of late, after I turned off the light and went to bed, a few minutes later she heard me muttering something dark and depressing. She said I went on for a few minutes, and what I was saying seemed so dark she made an effort not to listen to me. I don't even remember this. As far as I know, when I went to bed I fell asleep almost instantly, and woke up groggy but in a fairly good mood.

And this isn't the first time something like this has happened. I strangely feel as if this is a small victory - but the problem is, I can't meet my own darkness if it only shows itself when I'm unconscious, can I? But I dunno...maybe if it loosens its grip and gets more sure of itself, it will come out one of these days when I'm awake to see it.

 

Well I could share with you my experiences with the darkness within me, but I don't know how transferrable this is to others. I think we each have a personalized plan for "awakening" that is given us, so it's most important to pay attention to what is occuring for us specifically. Having said that, I can tell you that first and foremost came the willingness to SEE followed by increasing readiness, which brought about the experiences that allowed for transmutation of energy from dark to light.

Somewhere within me I detect a tremendous passion for truth and a commitment to seeing it, which surpasses EVERYTHING in my world. There is nothing more precious and important to me than that... no relationship, no possession, no experience. This has somehow enabled me to let go of my defensiveness enough that light could penetrate and grow within me, not to say that all darkness has been dispelled... but much progress has been made.

My life has transformed from daily depression and intense anxiety, with periodic forays into such depths of despair and darkness (coupled with suicidal tendencies) that I thought I would never emerge, into what now seems to be a constant state of peace and well being. I haven't been depressed in a very long time, and even the occasional darkness now seems to be gone, as it's been many months since I've experienced it.

Like a spiritual warrior, I've been willing to face what is there and not run away from it. Spirit has been kind enough to only give me what I could truly handle, and at times that was enough to bring me to my knees, for sure. It takes much humility to allow oneself to be transformed, to question everything that we think, and feel, and know, and want, and believe. It's like being picked up and dangled upside down... my entire world looks different. I've been led, and I've followed the lead of my inner guide. I didn't have to do anything except just be open and willing to see. Life has brought to me everything I needed. It has brought me people, tools, and situations that have facilitated my transformation, and I have learned to trust Spirit to provide for me in this way. My part has been to accept the gift, which I have and continue to do so. The specific tools that have reached my eyes and ears have been perfect for me, not to say they're the only or best ones. I've shared several of them here on the forums and will gladly share them again if need be. Some are more helpful than others, but really.. there are many paths that lead to the same outcome.

When the student is ready....