1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully inhis sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown 2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." --Author Unknown 3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey 4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy 5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry 6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger 7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone 8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien 9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner!" --Lynda Montgomery 10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni 11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson 12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez 13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld 14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson 15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde 16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain 17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown 18) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal 19) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry 20) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased
1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. 2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. 4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse. 6. I just got lost in thought. I was in unfamiliar territory. 7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. 8. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it. 9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. 11. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged. 12. She's always late, but it's genetic...in fact, her ancestors arrived on the JUNE flower. 13. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you. 14. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 15. Honk if you love peace and quiet. 16. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading. 17. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how "living" remains so popular? 18. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 19. It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living. 20. Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. 21. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. 22. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. (probably on the wrong side) 23. You can't have everything. If you did....where would you put it? 24. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population. 25. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. 26. The things that come to those that wait... may be the very things left by those who got there first. 27. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer. 28. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. 29. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture. 30. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. 31. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. 32. Everybody lies... but it doesn't matter with politicians, since nobody listens. 33. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few. 34. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 35. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. 36. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
