deep depression? share it here..

dollydagger, I would watch telling people that htey dont have anything to mope about, its just not cool. Its doesnt matter whehter or not you think their problems are worth them being upset about- what matters is that theyre upset.
I used to do that too, telling people who complained about things that they were making a big deal and that otehrs out there have it worse (which, although it may be true, doesnt make it ok to say).
Then I went through a bout of depression, and I saw how I was being upset about the very same things I told others not to bitch about, and I now understand how they felt.

My point is- help them, with constructive criticism...telling them they have nothing bad going on in their lives just isnt cool.

Love,
Dylan
p.s. I hope youre all feelin better.

 

Thank you for your support dollydagger
Yes, we spent 19 days without each other and then we met again and are together

 

I am sorry if I cam across as uncaring, but in all reality, most people's problems arent anything in comparison to others. I like to keep reminding people it isnt always as bad as it seems. I get depressed, of course, and feel sorry for myself....then i remember all that i have and am blessed with. We arent terminally ill, homeless, starving, neglected.....get my drift?

There is a story from the Buddha that adresses the issue of problems...if you have a problem, and it can be fixed, why worry about it? It will be resolved. If you have a problem that cannot be fixed, why worry about it?? its beyond your control, so dont let it control your life.

I think my tone came across as harsh, and I give my sincerest apologies.

 

I dont think I am depressed, but in all honesty, being down and upset and sad about the current world situation seems legitimate and pretty acceptable in my book.

Its scary to be alive right now, its scary to be coming of age right now. Things are different for our generation than they were for the original hippies. Things changed. Although there is no draft, and the death count isnt as high as in Vietnam, things still are out of control. Just today a 26 year old Iraq vet killed himself, he was depressed about what he saw. The zeitgeist is showing its face, and it isnt a pretty sight.

Anyone who can turn on the tv and watch the news and not get a sick feeling, frankly there is something wrong with that person.

I think in addition, those of us who are just graduating college stand facing a hell of a road. Global warming, wars, racism, sexism, homophobia. I mean its so overwhelmingly sad and depressing.

I think we are all a product of the current society. Every one of us. Right now, there is alot of crap going on, alot of negative stuff going on. Death seems so daily, in terms of how when we turn on the tv, if its not death of iraqis its the death of our soldiers.

As I said before, the world situation is completely messed up, therefore, it produces lost people, lost people searching for relief.

 

A good majority of it is due to being a trans... which is, well... mental torment. It's not easy... I'm sick of people calling me the wrong name, I'm sick of my parents not accepting me, and I'm sick of it all! I've made so many diary entries over this, and no matters how much I vent it doesn't help. I suppose getting something like this out would help, but in the case of how closeminded this world is and how my parents don't support me... it really is impossible. I want to love my family, I want to be with them, but I also want to be the right gender, and I feel as if I tried to take any action it would never be enough for me. It would end up being a lose-lose situation. (a common occurance in my life, let me tell you.) I just don't know why my life had to be this way, it really makes me mad, and I'm never happy, I never have really had a reason to be happy... and I see people complain about being a little overweight it REALLY makes me mad. I want to be happy just like everyone else, or at least as happy as them...

...but enough of the ranting.

I do have other problems with myself, though. Sometimes I feel like I'm not as smart as the others, I know I'm not as fast as others. It takes me more time to learn things then other people and that really bothers me.

It's probably obvious why my username is Envy now isn't it? :sweatdrop

 

My eternal problem is that i can't adjust to this world.......so it keeps putting me down....then it gives me a fresh air to keep life in me. Then it disappoints me again.... A vicious circle.... Any ideas how to handle it?

 

I have been in severe depression for years. It started in 2001, got intense and kept going for years.. then something really shocking happened, I was forced to 'suppress' the depression for years .. now it's starting to creep back in it seems... not that I have ever been free of it during this time since 2001..

If you know the occultistic/mystical viewpoint 'Dark Night of the Soul' ... that probably describes it the best. I have to live in constant fear, others have power over my life .. I have failed in so many areas and I think I messed up my life mission, whatever it was (never found it anyway), so my 'life' consists of existing in misery and pain while waiting to get out from this planet/world. Still haven't been able to get my wish.

Meanwhile I have to do unpleasant but taxing work and needless to say, I am 100% of the time either exhausted or really tired. Sometimes both. It requires enormous effort and energy concentration to even get out of the chair .. let alone go to work.

So to me .. "I have been really depressed for 2 days" sounds so much like those celebrities who explain in magazines 'I was so depressed for 2 weeks but then I found Jarmo and now everything is wonderful'.

That is an insult to people who have ACTUAL depression. People mis-use and rape all words, but this somehow is so commonly mis-used word that I don't know what to do.

Anyways.. I know the 'big picture' intellectually, I wouldn't commit a suicide because a) I wouldn't have the guts, b) I would be scared of being paralyzed instead, c) It wouldn't do any good - the same shit would be in front of me in next incarnation anyway d) I would get 'sanction', meaning 'bad karma' for disrupting my mission and spoiling lots of work and a good opportunity to burn my karma and learn some lessons.. etc etc..

But knowing all this doesn't really help. It's just..

Misery
Torture
Weakness
Tiredness
Feebleness
Sickness
Shittyday

(instead of monday, tuesday, etc..)

.. every week .. well, it will end.. some day. but that could be 1000 years from now because I don't know when it will end, so every waking moment is hopeless despair with pain and no joy whatsoever. I don't remember what joy feels like. I don't remember what it feels like to create.

I would write more but gotta get ready for work.. sigh.

- Vortac

p.s. oh, and I am 100% incompatible with this world also. I keep missing other planets and worlds with great intensity - which only brings me deeper in despair knowing I cannot reach them.

 

Hmm, about 'wrong gender'-thing .. I have my theory, though I kinda hesitate to tell it here. Then again if I always hesitate to tell things, soon I can't even open my mouth or type any letter on my keyboard so maybe I'll let myself go here..

I think it's very difficult to adapt to another gender's body and energy system after you have been for example 10-20 previous incarnations in a row in another and got completely comfortable and used to it .. suddenly it's all changed .. the intuitive feeling of the gender is molded so deep during those many numerous incarnations that it's a shock to try to adapt to a totally different set of energies and body systems .. I think this explains the intensive feeling of being in 'wrong' gender (of course there is no right or wrong, just what we have been accustomed to)..

For example, I think I was in a female body in the previous incarnation, but it was so long time ago and I haven't had such a long run in only female bodies that it isn't so strong in me that I would feel that I am in 'wrong' gender, except sometimes I feel it would be better for me in many ways to be in a female body ... but it's very small thing to me, nothing biggie. Just 'well, it could be nicer the other way but this is ok too'-type of a thing.

I hate all masculinity and all that 'men are supposed to be' according to the society's brainwashing. All that stupid macho-alphamale-stuff... sheesh. A man can't cry, a man can't love pink color, a man can't love bright colors anyways, a man shouldn't like to wear dresses (what an arbitrary rule! - well, all of them, really), a man should defend 'his country', a man should be always ready to fight and defend himself and be the strong, decisive, assertive part in a relationship.. man should be generic mass, the woman can be an individual.

This all sickens me not only because of obvious injustice towards the male gender but also because I am not used to it at all and it's just one more misery I have to deal with all the time in this stupid world.

Anyways .. back to my original point. I think the gender you were incarnated in is not so much 'wrong' as it might be perhaps 'uncomfortable' or 'shockingly unfamiliar' or something along those lines. You DID choose that gender this time. So instead of trying to force yourself back to the 'comfort zone' and not learn anything from this new experience, do you think it could be possible you could try to confront the uncomfortable feeling and try to cope with it and try to learn what living in a male body can teach you? By the way, even if you do a sex-change operation, I am not sure your energy would still change into female energy...

I am only saying this because in my opinion people rush too young and too fast into things that are irreversible and might later on regret deeply. Things, that might not bring them the peace of mind they thought it would.

Is it possible, that familiarizing yourself with the male body and making the best of the situation of the current body etc. it would actually bring you more peace of mind than a vigorous attempt to change it to be feminine? I mean, could it be that peace of mind and harmony essentially come from INSIDE and not from modifying the body ..?

Just some thoughts on this subject.

- Vortac

 

and I think you didn't really think that through or you simply have just not yet met a truly bad thing in life... if you had my experiences, you would consider THAT like the easiest problem in the world, just peanuts, not even that.. like.. helium-weighted peanuts floating nicely against a blue skies..

I am almost angry at this kind of short-sightedness, but of course it's not your fault.. maybe if it wasn't all over this planet presented in this exact way I wouldn't get so frustrated about comments like this.

Go through 'dark night of the soul' first, THEN tell me 'to have your love away is the worst thing EVER' ...

- Vortac

 

well where should i start...1st my gf and i keep arguing over dumb things and we barly ever get to see eachother. in school finals are coming and i dont know anything bout them bc i need help with the work and no1 wanna help....that is the 2 BIGG things tho...