Decided I needed to leave my friend

I hear what you're saying.

All I know is that I can't simply turn off a switch inside of myself to make me not get jealous being around her and her boyfriend, even if I completely keep my cool on the outside. I can't just train and force myself to not desire the full depth of union with her. I didn't decide to become hypnotized by her especially. Simultaneously, I am also going through a strong historical depth of feelings that has spanned a longer length of time than any other female in my life, followed by the despair that this one person that I could actually consider to be some sort of spiritual soul mate bluntly states without a second of consideration that that will NEVER happen.

That hurts, man. That is a deepest and GENUINE passion getting nonchalantly disregarded.

Ok, fine then. I'm going to stop putting myself through this pain then.

I haven't been in a relationship. I suppose I don't yet have the capacity to not want to naturally combine my longest female and very close friend with the intrinsic urge to find someone to enter a romantic and even spiritual and sexual connection with.

I don't go through the feelings I go through with her with anyone else. And even when I do, it's short lived. I have tried to let her go in a romantic sense. I have even gone long periods of not talking to her during one year. Not for any reason in particular. But whenever we start hanging out again, it starts all over.

I'm just exhausted, man. Maybe I am getting slaughtered inside. Call me a wuss, but I STILL CONSIDER HER A FRIEND, I just can't be around her all the time, because my Scorpio-Sagittarius cusp nature is classically known to be jealous. Sorry if this sounds stupid to you.

Maybe I just need to man up but to me manning up is looking elsewhere for a relationship and then returning to my friend when I am no longer naturally desiring that. I'm sure she doesn't WANT me always underlying desiring something more, but like I said, I can't just turn that switch off inside like it's a light switch. I can with anyone else. Not her. I don't have an explanation of why other than perhaps she is a potential future soul mate. But I keep being told that that's not the case. Therefore I am rather confused. I need a break from all of it.

 

well its for the best but i feel if you have had these feelings for her you were never really her friend just some guy who hung around until she would be ready to date him

 

You think that I haven't already gone through all of this a number of times. I have decided to stay friends with her. For a long time. You think this is the first time this situation has come up. In the past, I have always decided to stay friends with her. Even after getting rejected in rather painful ways.

And I have told her that I still consider her a friend, but if I'm going to be hanging out with her ALL THE TIME, and not any other girls nearly as much, I'm going to fool myself all over again. I can't do it forever and ever. It's PAINFUL.

I'M NOT SOME GREEDY ASSHOLE WHO'S JUST WAITING FOR THE RIGHT MOMENT TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF HER. I am just suffering because I have stronger feelings for her and also permanent feelings that I don't have with any other female. It's too potent and I have stood still through it for years but it's too much to handle.

I realize that it's my own fault. That's why I have insisted to you and her that I still consider her a friend. I just can't be around her all of the fucking time.

She is a true Siren who literally lures me into believing that I have a chance with her if we begin hanging out for long enough. She is seductive and mysterious. And she knows that's what gets me off. We've even talked about this. She enjoys being a Siren, or a Minx. This is her nature. I realize that as much as she does. She loves the fact that I practically worship her and am utterly content just being around her (and recently, her 6 year old daughter), listening to her talk to me for hours on end, with me also adding in my own unique perspective. I feel so at peace and at home making a fire with her in the living room and making s'mores with her daughter (when she's not with her dad). Then the fire fighters arrived when the neighbors upstairs smelled smoke. Classic. Feels like home for me when I have no more legit family bonds.

She is also well aware of the fact that I am intensely sexually attracted to her. People see this as shallow when it's actually NATURAL. I have had sex, but not as much as I probably should at this age. Perhaps 12 times and with only 2 different people.

She knows that she is a tease, and she consciously or probably unconsciously enjoys the fact that I pay such great attention to her in ways that her boyfriends do not.

I'm not just salivating like a horn dog, I am subtly aroused by her nature and very much enjoy conversing with her whether there are sexual vibes or not. It depends on the moment and the vibe and the mood.

We are genuine friends but there are moments when we are alone that very mysterious things happen and we get very close to each other. It's an intuitive sense that anything could happen.

But I don't make a move on her when she's very clear on the fact that she is loyal to her boyfriends and the fact that she "KNOWS" that it wouldn't work between us. (I did make a move on her once, when she didn't have a boyfriend, and was painfully denied.)

So instead I practically wet my pants with a raging hard on as she brilliantly teases me with her movements, actions, words, what she wears, etc. By the end of the night I am out of control in a panicky sweat of sexual tension and desire for release. But I don't make a move. Instead, her boyfriend comes home at 1 AM from work and probably gets strange vibes from us, but starts making out with her and I know that's my time to get out.

 

That's way too much of a surface perspective. People think I'm so shallow because I'm on my hands and knees suffering the fact that I've never had a girlfriend and the one that actually seems real is her. But it's all a delusion in my mind. Therefore I have to STOP DELUDING MYSELF.

 

My take is that he made it clear that he wanted more than just a frinedship on multiple occasions.. Why would she continue to pursue a friendship with somebody who has feelings for her in a much more deeper way than the just friends? Why flaunt your boyfriends around him to make him experience the hurt that seeing somebody you love be with another? How is that being a true friend? Where is the thought and consideration for his feelings and how much that hurts him? My general take is that she would pop into his life when her relationships where failing and used his steadfast friendship to help build her up until she found another boy toy to chase after and cycle thru again.. Maybe i read to much in between the lines here.. Just my out take.. I think he did what is best for his mental health and quality of life..

 

OP, I see what you're saying. And like I said, I do more so than you might think because I've been in a similar situation in the past myself. But because of that, I also see that you're still fixated on what YOU want. Don't get me wrong, it's not bad to be aware of what you want. It is, however, also important to understand that, sometimes you just can't get what you WANT, and interestingly enough, that's the way it's meant to be. There's a REASON why you and this girl aren't together in a romantic sense. Just like there's a reason why I'm not with my female best friend in a romantic sense.

You must think of the big picture. If the big picture means either she must be your girlfriend or she must be out of your life, then, first of all, you're thinking like an absolutist. Plus, like I said, that wouldn't be a true friendship if it was like that. But if the big picture means being able to see you two still being friends years and decades down the road no matter what happens in that duration of time and beyond, then that to me sounds like a special friendship.

When you really care about someone, your focus is on their happiness. There's an element of self-sacrifice involved in this because a true friendship means your friend is WORTH the pain you're going to go through. And guess what, the pain is temporary. It was temporary for me, and my best friend and I have been friends for 17 years(been best friends for 16 years) now. For the record, I still find her attractive. But I love her like my sister(she and I are both only-children, so it didn't take us long to start perceiving each other like siblings), and I only want her to be happy. There's no way I could get in the way of that because I care about her too much to allow that to happen. If you're in love with a friend and you find out they aren't in love with you, then of course it's going to hurt. I've been there, trust me. But what you do in such situation is to ask yourself whether or not that friendship is worth all that pain, and whether or not you have enough confidence and faith in the friendship that it will survive such trying instances.

And you must pay attention, I don't think that this is the first time it's happened to you. In fact, I DID acknowledge(albeit with a question in brackets to invite your confirmation) that you had expressed your feelings to her a number of times before. Read my initial reply for verification if you must. Anyway, believe me when I say astrology isn't stupid in my book. On the contrary, lol. Speaking of astrology, why does your friend sound so much like a Gemini? lol xD Maybe she isn't. Could be an Aquarius... Well, it doesn't matter. But anyway, if she's sexually teasing you ON PURPOSE, then you might want to address that issue to her. But if she naturally has that effect on you without her consciously making that specific effort, then you just have to accept it as a part of who she is. Put it this way, it's okay for her to know she turns you on, and it's okay for you to be turned on by her, as long as you both know it won't get in the way of your friendship. But if one or both of you are hung up on it, then it creates tension. I'm no stranger to that myself, but again, it's something that can be dealt with if the bond between you and the girl is strong enough.

Other than that, I'd generally say refrain from being fixated on her. If you're already experiencing this much romantic incompatibility with her, the chance of her being your soulmate is miniscule. You will meet other girls in the future, and you might be surprised by the way some of them might make you feel. Some of those girl may bring you pain even worse than your friend, but some of them might make you so happy and content and pain-free you even find yourself doubting if they are for real or not. That has been my experience. My best friend and I may share a deep emotional, and even spiritual connection, but she's not the only one who has that effect on me. I've since met others with whom I discovered I share such connections, and I've developed romantic feelings for some of them, too. Life goes on, but if the connection is deep and strong, it won't break that easily even when it's a strictly platonic connection.

I suppose taking a break from her may be a good thing. I still don't think cutting her off completely is a favourable solution, though. I personally haven't done that even to friends who are energy-draining to me in "large doses". If you two are genuinely good friends, then you should simply discuss the future of your friendship in a calm manner like two responsible adults. Neither you nor she should get whiny or pissed off during the discussion. The way I see it, this won't head into a romantic direction. She's already established that, and re-established that on multiple occasions. Now this is where you two decide whether or not your friendship is worth keeping. If it is, then don't cut her off any more than you need to. Keep it temporary, and deal with your own emotions and attitude rather than to try to change her mind. Your soul needs to enter a peaceful state where you no longer feel any jealousy toward her love life. If she could find happiness with someone other than you, then don't you think that would still be a lot better than if she was in an unhappy relationship with you? Wouldn't it make you happy to know she's happy? After all, that's what a friendship is about.

 

Exactly. I need to truly stop believing that we are meant to be together if we are not meant to be together. This is why I have to take a break from it all.

When I can be more mature myself only then am I worthy of being able to go back to her and re-establish our friendship.

I realize that it's my fault. She needs to realize that I'm doing this so that I can let her go. I'm sure that's what she wants anyhow.

She's actually a Cancer, which is known to be compatible with Sagittarius. I even casted a hexagram to the I Ching once and asked it directly if she was my soul mate. The Hexagram I got was 58, which means "Joy", "Opening", and the main message of it is "Success! Persistence in a righteous path will prove worth while". I'm the sort of person who would find meaning behind this.

But none of that helps my situation. I need to let her go.

 

But I'm also not going to pretend that I am gushing with happiness for her and her relationship like a "true friend" when I see her get involved over and over in awful relationships that end sour.

I'm not going to pretend that I feel something that I don't. A true friend lets the other feel exactly as they do, no matter what it is. Just as much as I need to respect what she does and doesn't feel, she needs to do the same. It has been no easy ride, and so at the very least she could be a little more understanding of why I did what I did, and not get so pissed off and accuse me of only ever wanting sex and nothing more. What I wanted was true intimacy. But I understand it's not all about what I want. But since I have desired that in a way that is out of my control, I find it rather respectful to step aside and get out of her boyfriend's way, in order to stop striving for something that will never be there.

 

I mean what else am I supposed to do after telling her how I feel and then not hearing from her for days in a row when we usually talk in much closer intervals? Obviously I fucked up by telling her how I felt, which I wasn't planning on doing but she kept asking me about it 3 or 4 times throughout the course of one day hanging out with her. Obviously I made the whole thing awkward. I can't just nonchalantly show up and act like everything is cool. She's probably just tired of me feeling that way for her.

Then FINE. I am taking the necessary steps to stop feeling that way about her, if it is actually possible. I don't think that it is, as I find it to be ONE with and not separate from the friendship with her, but at the very least I can find other people who can show me that she's not the only one that it's possible to feel that way about.

 

Not every person handles a situation the same way. You do what you gotta do.

 

I'm a female and I completely understand your perspective, but I understand hers too. Losing a friendship can be a really painful life experience, especially when it ends abruptly due to the other person not being okay with it being a simple friendship.

It's understandable that you have to walk away, but keep in mind that she is probably suffering too.

 

its not a surface perspective. if you were her friend it wouldn't matter if she wanted to be with you or not you would be her friend. but since she doesn't want to be with you and so now you are fed up and don't want to be around her clearly means that you were never really her friend. friendship is not the same as romantic attachment. you have a strong bond with who you love but its not a friendship.

 

mmmm that does add to it. i feel both are at fault here. she was toying with him and he wasn't being true to friendship with her. i just don't understand why put yourself in this position. i guess because i live my life in a way where as soon as something doesn't make me happy it stops i don't see it anymore no matter who or what it is, so i don't really understand caring this much that you put yourself through this emotional turmoil. you need to be by yourself for a little while and discover who you are and what qualities you have to offer and what qualities you want in a mate.

 

I suppose I don't understand how people can draw such sharp lines between friend, a person with whom I have a strong bond, romantic mate, etc.

Having never been in the full depth of a relationship, I don't even know what the hell defines a relationship. Aren't I in a relationship with everyone that I know?

Don't people that are married consider their spouse to be their best friend?

And like I said, I STILL CONSIDER HER MY FRIEND. I don't hate her. It's completely fine and respectable for her to reject my feelings and I have to bite that bullet but as soon as I turn my back on how she feels about me because I can't take it anymore then I'm the asshole? Is this just the curse of being a male and having to acquire chivalry? I love chivalry, but I also believe in equality that has nothing to do with gender. Equality first, chivalry second.

But somehow it's set up that the man who walks away is the asshole when for me there has never been a separation between our friendship and the desire for something more. Neither one outweighs the other. They are simply part of one thing. The friendship is the foundation. And the friendship is real. It has also existed on its own for four years. People on this forum and her think that I don't value the friendship when that is not even close to being true. Somehow it has become a vibe that I'm some devious creep who doesn't value the friendship whatsoever and just wants to get laid. Give me a break.

For whatever reason people get the vibe that "the desire for something more" is some sort of shallow desire. The intrinsic and uncontrollable urge for a bonding love and spiritual and sexual union with her is shallow? Hardly.

Do you think this was in any way an easy decision for me to make?

How the fuck would you feel if you saw someone that you really liked over the course of years see her jump from one un-successful relationship to the next, and all the while calling you one of her closest friends and people that she knows, yet never even for a split second considering you for a relationship?

That's a crushing blow, especially when it happens over the course of years and am not involved in a relationship of my own that entire time. And trying to let her go, yet re-hypnotizing myself over and over.

It makes me realize that it obviously has to do with some flaw within me. Which only makes me feel worse.

Whatever, this has all gotten too dramatic. I'm done with this thread. I'll update perhaps if anything changes down the line, which I wouldn't be surprised if it did.

 

It's apparent that you've let someone completely take over your mind. Upon reflection,how does that make you feel? That you have let this happen bodes ill for your future relationships,if any. Compulsions of any kind will rob you of finding your true self. Introspection is a valuable tool in becoming self realized and IMO, it's time for you to partake in a great deal of it. That person is merely another person and no more. Move on,but realize what you have let happen to yourself,please. I DO sympathize,however it's you and ONLY YOU that can help YOU.

 

See this is why I don't put any stock in astrology at all. The concept paints romance with too much ideology and feeds into personal fixations like the OP found himself doing on one particular individual.


@Alternative, I agree with all the advice you've given the OP. But I think you have to understand that in this case the OP might have an addictive personality and cutting off a friendship might be the right path for HIM.

I personally would have worked on my personal inner jealousy complex, and drawn some more boundaries about favors I might pass out to said friend, rather than burn bridges and cut all ties. But if the OP needs to do that than he should, but he should not grovel back if the tone of his actions implies permanence.

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Those who called you an asshole, are wrong. Your just upset and at the crux of a personal realization and transition. I also want to point out that most of those who tried to insinuate that you're an asshole are female respondents so as I read their responses I couldn't help but feel as if their opinions where more sympathetic to your female friend. In other words, don't take it personally I don't think they spent the effort to empathize with both perspectives.

Something you need to learn is that, there is a veil of separation between the friendships, lovers, and other types of relationships. They are not the same at their emotional core and you need to recognize this, there's a reason they can't convert from one to the other fluidly. They are all relationships, and the specific labels are specialized.

In many ways, your friend, treated and relied on you as if you were a girlfriend in terms of the support she required from you emotionally from breakup to breakup. The failure on her part is I don't think she understands that, you being a guy, can't treat you like a girlfriend because you are attached emotionally-sexually.

Not all guys can handle that sidelining, girls can't either in the inverse scenario where roles are reversed.

Also I believe based on observations and personal experience that the potential for a relationship to morph and evolve into another specialized type of relationship has it's potential to make that transformation since the beginning. Certain milestones (timing, environment, syntax, situational scenarios, a certain level of bonding and attraction) must be hit and obstacles avoided that allows that change to occur. The answer as to why she didn't/can't give you a chance romantically means ONE of those factors was missing.

Just as you can't magically shut off a switch for you to get over her, she can't magically flip a switch to FEEL you are right for her romantically via dating material etc.

There is nothing wrong with you, other than the choices you make and how much you are willing to self-moderate and get away from unhealthy irrational absolutist thinking. The only reason why your fixation on this thread has garnered the "creepy or possessive" label from your female respondents, is because those traits trigger the red-flag system in a woman's social brain.

Mourning during states of transition are normal sure, but after a time you need to take a deep breathe and start again. Also realize that your friend's reaction to your choices are also in response to the emotional upset both of you are feeling albeit for different reasons (i.e. Loss of a friend, needing to regroup and heal).

Unfortunately, you have indicated you will never see this response given that you've let the tone of other people who have responded drive you away from the dialogue in this thread.


P.S. To everyone else in this thread, I say this, I do not find the pursuit of love to be a selfish intention.

I also find that those who have tried to paint the OP as pursuing one particular girl for sex, as someone who missed the entire point of the thread, and promotes the stereotype that guys just "want a piece of tail". I find that highly offensive.

 

^Very insightful response. Thanks. So good that I will respond.

The astrological thing is just an extra nugget. I don't rely on it heavily, but do enjoy it. So does she, for that matter.

I do often get very absolutist, which IS a very Sagittarius trait, mind you. That's not an excuse, but by the time I can recognize it it is usually too late.

I easily could have just kept my cool, and have been doing a very very good job at for a good while now, but finally slipped after telling her how I fully felt, which I wasn't planning on doing at all, since I have done this before and it's always ended the same.

But after repeated pressing on the issue of what was bothering me (which somehow she just KNEW, even though I wasn't saying or doing anything to implicate), I finally caved. I didn't do it in person. I did it in writing. Last time I did it in person, and it ended very awkwardly. But what did she expect was bothering me? Did she really expect me to say something other than what I've always said to her?

Then after a long period of complete silence and nothing back from her, I just woke up one morning and lost my composure.

But now it's too late. It would be cowardly to turn back now. Perhaps walking away will be even more painful than being around her. It's a winless situation at this point.

 

turning the other cheek will only get you slapped again.

tbh I don't think a girl respects a guy if she strings him along this long. I don't think a girl respects a guy who uses him for emotional comfort, then starts making out with her bf right next to him on the cough when he returns.

I doubt she ever tried to sit you down and said "you know, I know you like me, I'm flattered... but you are really wasting your time! You should try with other girls!!"

That's what a best friend would've done.

Don't let yourself be used. Seek healthy relationships.

(looks like she did. sorry girls)

 

She has done this over and over actually. I'm just stubborn. I would let her go if I knew how to, but like I said, it's only her that I've ever had this problem with. Not other girls. Why is that I wonder?

 

cuz you just wanna bone her bad, and you've spent a lot of time with her. trust me as an intelligent, I too have met the allusive mysterious fair lady. she is evil. she will swallow your attention up, and spit it out.


I do not think you are mystically assigned to this girl btw, but there is fun to be had in hopelessly dreaming too, so don't let me turn you into a complete cynic.

As for this girl, she's already told ya, (and multiple times,) so...