Dear "god"...

Discussion in 'Christianity' started by Libertine, Aug 18, 2005.

  1. Libertine

    Libertine Guru of Hedonopia

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    I am surprised at how many people fail to follow such simple, very convenient laws which you proscribe. And although some Christians think they can pick and choose which laws in the Old Testament to live by and which have "passed on" through the grace of the New Testament's "ultra-tolerant", pacifist (almost suicidal) tenets such as "denying oneself", "giving everything to the poor", "loving those who murder, rape and molest (our enemies), baking cakes and hold parties in honor of those who crap on us, I think we'd better re-examine the Old Testament laws that you have explicitly set forth. After all, YOU CHANGE NOT and are always the SAME, right?

    I do have a few questions for you...

    - My neighbor is a self-proclaimed witch. Now, I have a dilemma, you said that we should "suffer not a witch to live", so should which method of execution would be best for witches? Will it be painful?


    - When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for you (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

    - I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

    - Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. So, should I purchase Mexicans or Cubans, and why do Canadians take more offense when I try to purchase them? Should I bring them to altar for sacrifice instead?

    - I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

    - Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

    - Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

    - I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

    - My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread. (cotton/polyester blend) He also tends to curse and blaspheme alot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

    It would take a great load off my mind if you could help me out here...
     
  2. BraveSirRubin

    BraveSirRubin Members

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    LOL! Libertine, you kick ass.
     
  3. Libertine

    Libertine Guru of Hedonopia

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    That means a lot to me coming from God. ;)
     
  4. AannaSolo

    AannaSolo Member

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    hysterical - thank-you - best laugh all day.
    Isn't Jehovah a sorry piece of shit?
     
  5. Aerosolhalos

    Aerosolhalos Member

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    I thought it was funny as shit, but I kinda think it's a dick thing to do to ridicule these people on their own board.. if you had posted this on the general philosophy and religion or agnosticism and atheism boards I would have applauded you. Otherwise it's just like breaking into a dude's house and going off on a tirade about why his kids are so ugly.. It's true that mainstream Christianity has been a hateful and harmful influence, but I'm sure there are a lot of good people out there who don't really need to have some of their heartfelt beliefs jabbed at.. Seriously if someone went onto the Buddhist or pagan forums acting like some of the anti-Christian stuff I've seen here they'd be banned in mere hours.
     
  6. nitemarehippygirl

    nitemarehippygirl Senior Member

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    hahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahaha............*tearing up* :D

    libertine, that gets an A++.
     
  7. nitemarehippygirl

    nitemarehippygirl Senior Member

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    the christianity forum is not a church, but a place to discuss topics related to christianity.

    further, nowhere in libertine's post did he directly insult or degrade ANYONE. for all you or i know, he could be genuinely wondering about how best to live by God's rules, as per the Bible. i'm sure he'll agree with me, once he figures out a way to politely ask his girlfriend/wife if she's on her menses. LOL....:D
     
  8. Duck

    Duck quack. Lifetime Supporter

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    dude I am not kidding, please marry me

    our marraige will kick ass seeing how there will be no love or sex involved.... and I say forget the ceremony and legal papers and stuff too...
     
  9. moon flower

    moon flower Member

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    hi :)

    lol :D

    thats brilliant lol, where did you find it?

    lol

    peace and love
     
  10. MrRee

    MrRee Senior Member

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    Funny thing that whenever the bible self-revealing bullshit is pointed out, there's no answer.
    The preferred christian method seems to be a-la-ostrich ~
    [​IMG]






    There's been no replies to my thread OT Jesus Prophecy Falsity either. http://www.hipforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=109573
    Seems that the christian "Too Hard" basket is also too big, too deep, too much, too right, and too full.
     
  11. Oz!

    Oz! Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

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    *waits for the bible believers to come along and prove their salt* :)
     
  12. Libertine

    Libertine Guru of Hedonopia

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    How can such an intelligent group of individuals who, in purchasing a house, for instance, will insist on evidence of title, validity of the signatures on the deed, notarization of those signatures and even insist on a Policy of Title Insurance. Yet when it comes to their religion the same people will throw overboard every vestige of sense they were born with.

    Blindly and remarkably they will accept contradictions, bad advice, lies, violations of the laws of Nature, all in the name of "faith." Without checking who wrote these biblical myths, what is the evidence, does it seem reasonable, they completely abandon the judgment and the experience of a lifetime. They swallow wholesale this collection of myths without reservation.

    :rolleyes:
     
  13. Libertine

    Libertine Guru of Hedonopia

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  14. Kharakov

    Kharakov ShadowSpawn

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    Hiya Libertine. Sup dude..
    Well, the whole point of the laws are to make those who God causes to follow them feel a certain amount of pleasure when God uses the body they are within to follow the laws that God described. God controls every single thing in the universe, down to the last crab on your balls, so you can't actually follow a law without God causing you to follow it. It was more to make some souls feel good about themselves, although it also made some people get big egos, which is the reason God causes them to break the laws- to show them that they are not the big cheese.

    The point of the N.T. was to show people to have faith in God, to realise God does many things in the universe that are not in compliance with the O.T. laws (rape, murder, pillage, plant crops in the same field, whatever other things God does). Loving your enemies is simply you loving those souls that God causes to do 'bad' things to you, accepting that it is either for your good or for their good that 'they' have done something bad to you.

    So, to sum it up, the O.T. laws are there to make those God causes to follow them feel good about themselves and feel like they can approach God. Basically making people feel like they are 'good' enough to approach God. Of course, at some point in their life, God causes them to break the laws, to show them that the laws were just a framework to teach them certain facts about God in a comfortable manner.

    For me, God acted slightly different... sheesh. When I was a kid, God brought me tons of drugs, death metal, satanic stuff, video games, etc. No O.T. laws for me, boyo.. well, except the ones God made me follow....
     
  15. Libertine

    Libertine Guru of Hedonopia

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    Only one problem with your theory: NO GOD :p
     
  16. Kharakov

    Kharakov ShadowSpawn

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    I think I went down on my girlfriend when I was tripping and she had her period. Not that I noticed...

    I definitely went down on her when we were drunk, and she was a little sloppy. Had blood on my nose and teeth.... looked like a fuckin cannibal. :p
     
  17. Kharakov

    Kharakov ShadowSpawn

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    Yup, slightly retarded.... You do know God made you say that, right? :p
     
  18. Libertine

    Libertine Guru of Hedonopia

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    or was it "Satan"? or "Zeus"? or "Baal"? or "Apollo"?
     
  19. YellowBellyHippy

    YellowBellyHippy Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

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    While I try to be respectful of others beleifs IMO, the bible is so fucking silly that I don't see how anyone can gain any value out of it. Some dudes wrote this gobbily gook and people today will say "well its all a matter of interpretation" Well, some things are just not about interpretation, its just dumb ass shit.


    And the way the bible describes "the god" is really a turn off because I know that from reading the bible and growing up in a christain school :)rolleyes: ) that this "god" should be ashamed of himself for being so evil and corrupt.
     
  20. iscreamchocolate

    iscreamchocolate Senior Member

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    haaa haaaa thats so helarious!!! I especially liked Lev. 15:19-24.. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
    seriously that's just too funny!
     

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