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Discussion in 'Poetry' started by kjhippielove88, Jan 10, 2005.

  1. kjhippielove88

    kjhippielove88 color + rhyme

    a new one i wrote today at the doctors office. its just a draft and theres plenty more work to be done to it

    a young sun awakens with the rooster
    winds sway the willow's weep
    blue waves tease the shore
    morning drums beat

    scents fill the air
    critters scale veteran trees
    vibrations shake the meadow
    the buzz of bumblebees

    clouds cry
    afternoon lays its scene
    rain dances on roses petals
    'tis peaceful and serene

    sunset dreams begin to paint
    the big star yawns
    sliding behind Valley mountains
    forever rising again at dawn
     
  2. kidder

    kidder Member

    It's crisp, it's tight. I like that. Some lines are weak but it's just a draft. Soldier on!
     
  3. KittenX

    KittenX Purrrific

    Hey, this is pretty good! I found myself liking a line or two out each stanza. I think your first stanza was my favorite wholistically. Then in second stanza, I liked "critters scale veteran trees"....good draft!!
     

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