Discussion in 'True Confessions' started by yyyesiam2, May 16, 2004.

  1. yyyesiam2

    yyyesiam2 Senior Member

    for those of you who have already read this, i apologise. i can't seem to stop myself from posting this again. i am at my lowest point, i can't help but reach out for as much support as possible. i am very very drunk right now, and i probably won't even remember posting this tomorrow. what a surprise i'll be in for, huh? i know this is far too much to expect, but i'm just praying (thought i was agnostic) that someone out there will be able to put this in perspective for me.

    from: my father
    been feeling really suicidal. cant think of any good
    reasons to stay around any more. i have outlived my
    usefulness to the world, and dont really know if i
    was of any use at all. the entropy keeps increasing
    in the world, the universe, and in my life. so i am
    asking you what good reason is there to stay around
    in this world?
    reply 1:
    i can't claim to know what you are going through, but i have felt the same exact way hundreds of times. every time that i get close to just ending it all, i consider the alternative and the possibilities of what could happen if i just stuck around till my time was up. right now is probably not a time to be fake about anything. you have made alot of mistakes in your life. those were your decisions, and you can't take them back now. the fact that you are still around gives you the chance to make amends-whatever way you are capable of accomplishing that task. you have let yourself fall into a very deep rut; so deep, that it is impossible for you to see the light of the outside world. that doesn't mean it isn't there. if you are willing to put forth the effort it takes to accept your mistakes and to genuinely express your love and guilt over your past, i guaruntee u that u will see things in a new light. all i have been waiting for from you is exactly that. i want for our relationship to be closer than it ever was. i want to hug you, and feel you hug back-without any stiffness that suggests a certain guardedness againgst your own son. i love you so much, and i'm tired of past events making it hard for me to tell you that. so fuck it. i don't care anymore.i love you. i want you to feel like you can show your true self-no matter how dark or different it may be. i want to be close to my father. i want to understand you. i don't want you to think that noone in the world understands you. i don't want to think that noone in the world understands me. for some reason, we seem to be similar entities. maybe there is such thing as reincarnation, and we were meant to be in contact. it just sucks that we let our intense similarities drive us apart so much. if you want a reason to live, other than the millions you could think of if you could just get yourself out of this hole of repetitive thought that you've trapped yourself in, then let it be me. if you leave me without ever having let me know who you are, i will forever be haunted by that. if you must go, then at least get to know your own seed first. that means me, cedar, and franz. tell us you are sorry. tell us you love us-especially cedar. i don't think he's heard it enough from you. leave with us a memory of your heart-something you have rarely-if ever-shown us. i have one memory of you that i will always cherish. that is the memory of me and franz sitting on your lap while you read to us some story about soup or something. i don't remember the story very well-except for the ending where it all get's silly-but i remember the feeling of love and security i felt sitting on your lap. that will never leave me. please leave me with more of those memories. i don't know what else to tell you except that life is a very complicated game. you've been breaking the rules for quite some time, but it's never too late to fix things. i love you.


    reply:2, 20 minutes later.
    to reply to another thing you said: you said you didn't know if you had served any purpose in the world. i don't know about how you have affected others, but i know what you have taught me. you taught me that everything is not what it seems most of the time. you taught me not to trust every idea or institution that comes along that doesn't make logical sense to me. you taught me from an early age to shield myself from gov. propaganda-something that most parents have obviously not taught their children. you taught me the importance of what i put into my body. you taught me the importance of feeding my intellect. you taught me how to learn. most importantly, you taught me how to survive.

    considering the effect you've had on me, i know you must have affected other people's lives in your past. i also know that there is an intelligent soul trapped under all of the stress, repression of emotion, and pain that you have endured in your life. a major part of your journey is healing, especially now. now is the time to cry, dad-even if it doesn't feel possible. howl at the moon.tell the world of your pain. only then will your body and mind begin to heal themselves. i have said all that i can. the rest is up to you.
  2. white ginger

    white ginger Senior Member

    rough times..
    I think that you've offered your hand clearly to your dad, and whatever happens he'll appreciate that. Maybe if you can find a way for you and your dad to do something that helps someone or some people in any way, he will see himself differently. Find someone else who's feeling like shit and give them something that is special to you and/or your dad. ...I don't know if you see what I'm getting at, but if you can get your dad to help someone, his focus will not so much be on himself, but on others. Maybe the reason any of us gets depressed is because we are all so self-serving, and the more one we are, the less respect we have for ourselves...
    I hope this turns out ok hun
  3. RRACE

    RRACE Member

    Your dad needs to wake up and see what a beautiful person you are and how he was so instrumental in that!
  4. StonerBill

    StonerBill Learn

    just explain to him how being a bum on the street is better than being dead caus at least you can laugh when your fellow bums argue over the order that presidents were in power, and their first names.
  5. Sarah JAY 420

    Sarah JAY 420 Member

    Well i think that the only logical reason that anyone would stay in the world would be for themselves. I mean what do YOU want out of life? No matter how deep of a hole you get yourself into, theres always a way out. It might not be very easy, actually it might be one of the hardest things you have to go through. It has to be done though. Just stay strong and do what you want with yourself. I dont know, i dont think Im understanding this whole thing very well. But i want you to know that you are a special person and you should live your life for yourself. That might sound awfully selfish but thats not what i mean. You can still help others, just find internal happiness. Once you achieve internal happiness, the rest just comes easy.
  6. yyyesiam2: It sounds like you and your dad are going through some really difficult times. I'm not very good at giving advice, especially in times as confusing, painful and frustrating as this one. My prayers are with you and your father, we can only have faith that he will realize the faults in his thinking, and stop himself from making a life changing mistake (not just for him, but for your family and friends as well). Especially during this time try to make him understand that you love him, and care for him, and want him to stay alive.

    I've been down this road with a few very close friends. I thank God for helping them to get out of the "rut". I hope your father get's out soon.

    Peace, Love and Empathy,
  7. How's everything going with your dad? I've been thinking about and praying for you guys all week.

  8. yyyesiam2

    yyyesiam2 Senior Member

    i'm not sure how this thread was revived, but i guess i should go ahead and fill everyone in about this. this happened over a year ago, and since then my dad has not killed himself. he's still surviving, and has actually told me that he only wrote me that letter to shock me into getting my life straight. he called it controlled folly (carlos castaneda). whether this is true or not is questionable, but i don't really care at this point as long as he faced whatever was weighing him down. if he really was using "controlled folly", he did a damn good job. i had hardly been speaking to him up till that point, and it was understood between both of us that i didn't consider him my father anymore, only a respectable acquaintance. when i realised he might die, all the things i was holding onto lost their importance, and i wrote him a letter telling him how i felt. this thread's revival was well timed, since he only told me the "truth" about the situation about 3 wks ago. thank you all for caring enough to respond, and thanks to the kind 15 year old for taking the time to pray for someone without being told to. those are always the best kind of prayers.

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