Cutting all contact with my mother.

Sometimes we just get dealt a lousy hand, you just have to play them the best way you can. Try to look forward to a better life, and try to put the past behind you as you go forward. Good luck!

 

I still stand by what I said in my first post. I don't believe that you should cut off any relationship with anyone if that relationship can be saved. I don't believe that it is the case that any relationship can be saved if you just try hard enough.

Let's say she was married to her bf. She said that her bf has been verbally and physically abusive for many years, she tries to work things out and keeps forgiving him, trying to understand, but he keeps on going back to the same behaviors. I think that most people would say that's an abusive relationship, and that the abuser will just keep on abusing until she decides to leave the relationship.

I don't think that the relationship with her mom is really that different. I think that it is just more commonly accepted that people end their marriages rather than ending their relationships with their parents. In an earlier time when divorce was more taboo, we might be saying something like, "but marriage is forever, you made a vow".

It would be great if everything worked out. But I would say that if you can't fix an abusive relationship the thing to do it to leave it. Doesn't matter who the abusive relationship is with.

Maybe the easy answer here is to say talk to a family therapist.

 

My childhood was not lost, but forever imprinted on my heart. All the nightmares, flashbacks and remembering how to hate. Was raised in foster care for many years and cut all contact with my mother. I saw her later in life and remembered the words she once told me. She said, "an abuser forever controls the one they abuse because they teach them how to abuse themselves. You are now damaged goods and no one will ever love you."

Subconsciously I set out on my life path filled with hate and full filled her words. She became one of the greatest teacher I have ever had.

Hate will destroy you, not the one who abused you. Life is not about what is done to you but what you choose to become. When love and the greater good are your guides you become accountable and responsible for your choices...Not hers.

I never opened contact with my mother, she is dead now, but found out later so many things that gave me insight and understanding. Hate was a weapon I turned on myself and until I understood this I could not see my mother had done the same in her life.

Love and forgiveness become your greatest choices and places of healing as you begin to stop the destructive cycles from repeating themselves. The ultimate choices are yours, and are never based on what someone else did, or does to you, but what you do to yourself.

 

I think that love and forgiveness can be really good things. Trying to forgive your mom and understand why she is the way she is is a good idea, I think.

At the same time, some times shutting the door on an abuser is the only way to get them to stop. It doesn't mean that the door must stay shut forever, but I think it is reasonable to have certain standards about how you expect to be treated, and to not have contact with anyone who can't meet those standards.

 

Old Crone, I'm sorry that you went through the things that you did. It sounds really horrible. I'm sorry that there was not a reconciliation with you and your mom.

I guess that you believe in spirits and psychic stuff, so I will wish for you that a joyous reconciliation come to you in a dream.

And your mom was wrong, because I love you.

 

Theres nothing in the rule book that actually says you are going to like your parents, or they you

Theres that bond that comes with being related, but if you have very different personalities


Sweetleafs situation sounds like the opposite of mine, I havent see my dad in 17 yrs, but thats my fault, and he got the raw end of the deal, all that sacrifice in raising a son thats ends up not like every other son. He was a bit of a tool, but he was just your average suburban joe.

When I was a teenager I fuckin hated him for not being like me, but then again if he was more like me I wouldnt have been concieved

 

A very good way to deal with things.....

GOD BLESS YOU....... I hope you can work things out for the better

 

GOOD FOR YOU!!!arty:

i did it too. lived homeless in a cardboard box and ate out of grabage cans too... well, it got quite bad but, never quite that bad.
that was when i got out of high school then, i was a bum of the road for 3 years!
got my act together in those 3 years as a bum, no longer living in that godforsaken shithole called "home."
got my act will enough together that, i went to college and graduate school; then i had a great career for alot of years.
I NEVER, EVER, WOULD HAVE MADE ANYTHING OF MYSELF IF I STAED AT "HOME" WITH MY "PARENTS!"

i recommend in the strongest terms possible that, living homeless is NOT (REPEAT, NOT!) a great ideal!
some families are just soooooooooo extreamly fuck up that, in a FEW cases that, just might be the best option out, of a lot of bad options and, no good options advable at all.

the book 'into the wild' and, the movie based on the book are great about the bum way of living.
i suggest you read the book before seeing the movie!
the book is way, way, way, better then the movie... they are both great but, the movie has stuff missing that is in the book.

i most highly recommend a book entitled, 'toxic parents: overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life' by, susan forward.
that should get you all started... good luck to you all!

 

I knew someone in a similar situation.... they had cut their mom out of their life and I was like "aw, everyone should be in contact with their mother". Later I learned what a piece of work "Mom" was, and apologized for saying "aw" instead of "go you for cutting that bitch loose". Lesson learned!

Being a shitty person does not mean they cant get pregnant or be parents. Now and then, you will have a person who you are better off not being in your life and occasionally that person is a biological parent. Sometimes a bad example is the only one a person can set. Learn from it and move on.

My advice - establish a way to contact each other ONLY in emergency situations and just walk away.

 

You guys are awesome,thanks for all the different views and useful advice.I think by reading all the stories has made it easier for me to understand some things as well as what I will do.

 

Black Cat,

Great post, bro! And good for you for getting out of your situation and overcoming it. That's something to be proud of. I think just surviving and getting to a place that's good for you is something to be proud of (and not necessarily one's fault if you don't). Doesn't necessarily have to mean going to school or having money.

I think you've had some other cool posts too, just wish your user name and avatar didn't make you seem like a devil worship chainsaw psycho-fuck! (I know now that you are not)