Currently Weighing My Options.

Before I start, I just want to be clear that I am not currently at risk of harming myself. I’m just going to talk about my life, my thoughts, and stuff.

I’m not sure what to do with my life at this point. I’m old, unemployed, uneducated, live with my parents, a virgin, and don’t have a dime to my name. I am what one might see as a textbook example of a loser. I am also socially inept, and by virtually all accounts, stupid. Virtually everyone would also probably view me as unattractive or unappealing aesthetically and personality-wise.

I have always been bad at fitting in with groups, whether it was at school or at work. Back when I did have some jobs when I was younger, I always made enemies very easily and found myself in very bad situations, and eventually getting fired. I haven't had a job in years. I have just never been a very good person overall.

My dad is very old and is still having to work full-time to support me and my mother. I am very lazy and have absolutely no energy. Even when I was younger I had no energy or life. I have always dreamed big, but I have always found it easier to just think about doing great things rather than actually putting in the hard work to do them. I have always lacked drive and determination.

Lately I’ve been doing lots of soul-searching about what to do with my life at this point. I am sitting here with nothing much to say about myself except things that virtually anyone would consider to be indictments, and traits that are telling of a wasted life. I am nothing to nobody. I have dug myself a hole and there is virtually no way of pulling myself out of it.

I have started finally considering suicide as a real option. I can’t help but think about how unworthy I really am to be here, and how I am consuming resources that could be consumed by a much worthier person. I don’t really want to get better or try to better myself. I feel my ship has sailed. I really just want to call it quits. I have no real thing to work towards. I really think suicide is right option for me.

Of course, the main reason for me considering suicide is the fact that I just don’t want to live anymore. I don’t like life very much and I just don’t want to be here anymore. I have always hated myself and I just can’t really deal with it anymore. Believe it or not, doing nothing and being nothing can be as tiresome as being a hard-working, successful person. The mental struggle it puts one through is very exhausting. I think there are desirables who are worthy of life, and there are undesirables who are just burdens to the world. At least, this is the philosophy I apply to my life. I don’t really expect others to understand it, but these are the reasons I just feel I need to hang it up.

Again, this is not a suicide note. I’m posting this mostly just to get it off my chest. I don’t think anyone here will understand me or my life at all. I can’t possibly impart all of the necessary knowledge on people to make them understand. At this point, I just don’t want to try and make anything of my life. I don’t feel I deserve it, and I just don’t really want it. The spark in me (if there was ever one) is long gone by this point. Everything and everyone will be better off. I’m just too old and have no redeeming qualities to make anything work out. I’ve never really liked life, and I find myself just being at the point of wanting it to be over.
Thanks for reading If you made it this far.

 

you're welcome for reading.

 

I read...you actually sound an ok person. Sad depression got you so early.

 

So how old are you exactly?

 

You dont sound stupid. I suspect there are other things you mentioned that arent true as well but only your version of the truth.

Have you ever sought profession help for your depression?

 

I am sorry you are feeling this way. Please know that you are not alone, and there are people who care and want to listen.

 

Sorry to hear that you are going through this. This thread might be helpful to you.

http://www.hipforums.com/forum/topic/458019-treating-depression-and-anxiety/

The world can be a rough place, and it can be especially difficult for sensitive people to survive in it. I think you are probably a sensitive person with a low energy level who became depressed.

I don't think that you are an "undesirable" or unworthy in any way. I think all people have inherent worth, but beyond that, if I was going to blame someone for the problems of the world, it would probably be someone involved in sub-prime mortgage lending, or human trafficking, or any other of the fucked-up things that people do. People like that may have more money, have more social status (in some cases), and be happier than you, but I don't think that it makes them more worthy of life than you.

Taking a brisk walk or a gentle bicycle ride for about a 1/2 hour, and getting some sunshine and fresh air could be a good first start to feeling better.

I don't know if things will get better for you, or if you will even have the desire to get better, but I think that you can get better and I hope that you do. Other people have been in similar situations and have been able to find a way out. Not always easy to do, but it can be done.

I don't know what country you are in, but there may be vocational rehab services that will help you find a job. If you can't work, you may be able to apply for disability benefits.

I can try to help if you can give me some more information

Hope that things can get better soon!

 

I definitely don't want to come across as judgemental, and will edit my post so as not to do more harm than good. Thank you for the heads up.

 

I'm not really intersted in help at this point. I don't really think I have depression either. My suicidal thoughts are not the result of mental anguish or depression really. I think they are very rational. I have carefully considered things and have determined that, given the requisite conditions, I just don't want to remain alive. There are multiple factors to why I think its the best decision.

 

Well, if you're not interested in help, I'm very curious as to why you've posted this in the 1st place.

You say you're stupid; but, then you have enough sense to type all of this out, use excellent grammar and you don't seem to have a problem expressing yourself...surely you are aware of this?

I do agree that laziness and depression are not the same thing. However, one can MAKE themselves do something and eventually they will want to do it - such as walking 30 minutes a day, and of course that is only 1 example. Again, since you're posting this I wonder just exactly what are you wanting people to say? I definitely don't agree with what you are proposing and yet our hands are somewhat tied as to how to respond to you.

It seems that helping out at home sounds like a very reasonable and needed thing to do, especially since you live at home, don't work and your poor dad keeps up himself, you and your mother. (good grief!!) You say you are "old", you don't answer when people want to know how old...and then you have both parents.

Old is a very relative term...I read where an 80 yr old woman recently got her high school diploma and I'm just betting you aren't 80 yet. Point is - if you're here at hf, making a (well-worded) post I highly doubt you're all that "old".

 

+1

 

Not wanting help and not wanting to get better are probably indications of how extremely depressed you are.

It sounds like you've internalized a lot of negative messages about yourself, and that, combined with how you feel, makes you feel like suicide is rational.

You're in a difficult position, but one which, in principle, you can get out of.

There's only so much that we can do if you don't really want help or want to get better.

All I can say is that you are worthy of life whether you realize it or not, and I wish the best for you.

 

Everyone already knows and thinks of me as a worthless loser. I just don't really want to live anymore. Even if it could be established that I weren't depressed, I would still not want to live. I just don't like life.

I find it funny that when someone threatens suicide, people immediately say "NO! Don't do it! You're worthy of life! You can do anything you want! You CAN succeed!"

No I actually can't. These are the same people who say "You're unqualified for this job." Or "You can't get accepted at this school because of your poor past grades." Or "You haven't had a job in 20 years, I'm not hiring you." The world tells you suicide is off limits and that you can get better, then it doesn't allow you to get better.

Besides, I just don't like or enjoy life enough to stay. I've lived quite long enough in my circumstances, and it doesn't look like I'll ever have any other circumstances. Chances of a job, not very good. Chances of a wife/girlfriend, pretty much zero. Chances of having enough money to live on my own, not very good. I don't want to collect government aid. I really just want to hang life up. I've got good reasons.

 

My parents are not going to be alive forever. When they're gone, I'll have absolutely nothing. Being a loser for all my life just makes me deserve death anyway. It's immoral to be a worthless loser like this for this long. It is worthy of death IMO.

 

Ok, but don't let society dictate to you what is normal...what you should be doing.....what success means....Some people are not built for society and are loners......Who is to say what is right or wrong in this world?
If someone would come at me with their advice about what i should do or not do.....I would tell them to hang it up, unless I wanted their advice.....and they have. We each have our own path in life to follow......or create.
Sometimes it just helps if someone is just there..I am not one much for giving advice, but I always listen.

Do you like animals? Maybe you could get involved with some of their lives somewhere like in an ASPCA or something? they need love. Maybe you are the person to give that to them.....
Do you have any siblings? Maybe your parents want you to take care of their house when they are gone. Maybe you are meant to write about things such as this to help others. maybe many things...

Suicide is too final...With that, there really are no other options in this lifetime.

Isn't there anything in life to keep you interested in living?

 

No, like I said, I just don't want to get better or do good things at this point. I had my chance. You're supposed to do that stuff when you're young. I literally have not accomplished anything in my life. No hobbies, nothing. I don't really want to start now.

Of course, like I've been saying all along, the argument that trumps them all is that I just don't like life or want to live anymore. I just don't want to. I hate life, and death seems so peaceful to me. I feel I deserve it too. I disagree with the person who said I'm worthy of life regardless of what I've done. I think that's wrong. Being worthy of something means you've done something to deserve it. My life is a tumor to my world. I am a parasite. I've always been a taker. I couldn't improve and I don't want to improve. I don't deserve the chance to improve. I've had ample opportunity to improve and have only gotten worse. There are plenty of worthy people who DO deserve those opportunities who I could be making way for by dying. The time, space, money, food, and other resources I am currently consuming are entitely in vain. They could be consumed by a bright, worthy individual. By dying I could actually do something good for once. At least, this is how I look at it.

I'm not interested in any of those things. Animals? Not a fan. Writing? Yeah right. You've got to be joking.

 

I can tell you for a fact that your parents don't think of you as a worthless loser. They obviously love you very, very much. If they didn't, then I am almost certain you wouldn't still be living under their roof.

 

No, I am not joking.....never joking.....unless I put a laugh or something that makes it known that i am joking.
I am a very serious person in real life......that is the core of me. I can laugh and have fun, though, too.....Yes, appearing to be carefree at times, but taking things deeply at the same time.
I learned to do that early with people I felt needed cheering up all of the time...and despite whatever I was going through, I learned how to try to bring some sunshine in.....Tried...being the word here......

 

Please know that I don't think of you as a worthless loser. I am saddened that you are feeling so down, and I wish there was something I could do to help you feel better. I know you might feel alone right now, but there are people that care about you and want you to be okay.

 

For the record, I don't think you're a worthless loser. Life is not a game, and therefor humanity does not divide into winners and losers. I guess I'm probably not going to be able to convince you, but I believe your worth is much greater than you realize.

It's not my goal to try to talk you out of suicide. I suppose it's your right to decide.

What I'm saying is that other people have been in the exact same position that you have been, and have found a way to live and be glad to be alive. People have also been in your same position and killed themselves.

My point here is that in principle, things can get better for you, but you have to get help for that to happen

If you take the right pills, you might see things differently

If you get vocational rehab services, your chances of getting a job are actually pretty good.

If you tell me what state or country you are in, I can help you find the resources.

That's why God made hookers