Cuddle Jealousy? (Tl;dr Version At The End)

So I have a situation that might make a lot of people roll their eyes, and I want to preface by saying I have not been in amazing emotional shape over the past year, and am coming out of some really nasty sad heartbreak hotel mixed with identity crisis-type stuff. Not looking for a real relationship that takes work and neither is my ex, so we have kind of a fwb thing now. Things just seem to work better that way (there was some time off between the relationship and this agreement and I feel it helped a great deal so that both of us could clear our heads and approach things a little more objectively). I have struggled with jealousy and feel I've got a hold on it now. The way things stand, going out and looking around is fine, a certain amount of fooling around is fine, but we have agreed that if either of us actually sleeps with someone else, we will discontinue sleeping with each other.

Now for the eye-rolling part. I was engaged to a guy before fwb Ex. He is also still my friend. Let's call him Ex Prime. He is a very close friend as we have known each other since college, so around 10 years. Most of that time, we were in a committed relationship. When the fwb Ex and I broke up, Ex Prime did the swoop in to pick up the pieces, as I am sure he still has feelings for me and was seeing if I would come back to him. He lives a ways from me, so when I visit him, I usually stay over so I don't have to do the drive twice in one day. There is nothing physical, as I definitely don't have those feelings for him anymore, except we do cuddle. And I know this is weird, but we tend to sleep in the same bed. Mostly because it's just easier. His house isn't really set up for guests. But I would be lying if I said it wasn't because we are both comfortable with it and have developed a habit of doing it since my last breakup left me quite unstable for quite a while. I feel like I am coming out of my haze now, and I am worried I have been doing the wrong thing and that putting a stop to it now is going to hurt him or be like breaking up all over again, and I never wanted to do that to him... The first time was hard enough.

Now the fwb Ex has found out that we cuddle and sleep over and he is jealous. He says that if it was anyone else, he would be able to get past it. He is basically giving me the ultimatum that if I don't stop sleeping in the same bed as Ex Prime, then he doesn't want to be fwb anymore. I feel like this is my business, and he is being controlling. I know that this habit is something that I need to deal with, but his sudden possessiveness is making me weary of just doing it to appease him. He says he understands, and he's not angry and he will respect my choice either way, but he doesn't want to be involved in any kind of triangle, even if it's not romantic.

I just feel like things have gotten so complicated and I've made such a mess of it. I hate this entanglement. I just want things to stay the same and not have to constantly face people down anymore and have talks and crap. that's not how these things are supposed to go. I feel it's unfair of him to ask me to choose, given the fact that we're not together. But at the same time, I do agree to a degree that I need to let go of this habit with Ex Prime. Honestly, it feels a little weird to me to keep doing it now that I'm not necessarily in emotional need now, but I feel bad, like I'm abandoning him... But at the same time, I would hope that if he really cares about me, he will take it as a sign that I'm getting better and feeling more independent. Plus, I might be holding him back by keeping him emotionally entangled with me. He is not the free-loving type and is painfully monogamous. He thinks I am the same, but honestly, these days, I don't know what kind of relationship I want. I don't want any relationship at the moment... But I'm human and I get lonely and I'd like to be able to be with people I am comfortable with when I am without being constrained to being with them exclusively...

Bottom line, I've posted this in the Free Love forum because I would like to get an idea of how you all view this type of behavior from a fwb (as I am relatively new to this myself). I've included the other information to give background. TL;DR version - I am fwb with my ex, but he is jealous of the fact that I sleep over with and cuddle with my previous ex, even though we don't do anything sexual. Is this not his business or does he have a right to make the demand that I choose?

 

my advice is to try being single for a while. Truly single, no friends with sex or cuddle benefits. Its the only way to truly live your life without strings attached because as you've illustrated, there are still strings attached with both of these dudes.

 

That's true. There are definitely strings attached. Our tangled shared history is definitely the complicating factor... I think I am going to go at it piecemeal, though. I need to tell Ex Prime first, but it's going to be with the understanding that I am not doing it to appease fwb Ex. It's just forced me to consider the fact that it may be doing more harm than good to both Ex Prime and myself... I'm a little scared what the outcome will be as I have really bad anxiety and it tends to make me quite vulnerable, but I guess we'll see. I'm seeing Ex Prime tomorrow, so that's the day. And if all else fails, I've got an appointment with my therapist on Thursday, lol.

 

Ex Prime has been released. We will be seeing each other much less now, though we are still friends and still there for each other if needed. I have successfully removed, or at least significantly reduced, one complication from my life. I will miss him, but it was necessary. fwb Ex is next in due time. In the mean time, I think I'm going to start going to some social events within the local BDSM community (just to make some connections right now, not necessarily anything sexual). I'm a sub and will be looking for a dom when I'm ready, but right now, I just need to get out there and meet some new people. Get away from my past for a little while.