Crossing the line: jealousy or disrespect

Context: I've been with my current partner for about 2 years. Before I met her I identified as a queer polyamorous woman of color. Now I am in a monogamous relationship with her. Neither of us are "gold star" lesbians, but at this point in life we are committed and our lives are totally integrated. Through this integration I've met one of her exes, one in particular, macho male body builder type dude. They are friends now and I trust her so I practice understanding when it comes to their friendship.

She is currently suffering from endometriosis and has severe abdomen pain. It has also taken her energy and zest. And we all know that where there is no energy there is no sex. Again I practice understanding and have remained faithful.

Situation: Mr. macho body builder friend comes over. She is not wearing parts because they press against her abdomen (understandable). the whole time she is using a blanket to guard her exposed B-hind. He's curious about what's in the refrigerator because he is also a nutritionist and says show me ur food. She replies, I'm not wearing pants but okay and gets up with her B-hind out and I ask her to put on pants (keep in mind she has had sex with Mr. body builder and they were "in love"). She says it like a bathing suit bottom, looks at him and giggles. I say please cover your B-hind. After going back and forth she puts on a sarong. Walks over to him in the kitchen. I am observing their interactions and more importantly her behavior She finds reasons to touch him, look into his eyes sincerely, girlishly laughs at his jokes. Yo get the point..

My question is am I just jealous and sexually deprived or is she disrespectfully flirting with this guy in my face? And how do I communicate with her without seeming like just a jealous best. I need an outside perspective. Any constructive advice would be great.

 

Hmm this would be a similar situation to what my partner observes me do...but she doesn't online forum.
So from my perspective (like your partner) I am also lesbian, have never been with a male. Neither of us have. But I'm not unattracted to males, I do know what I like a man to look like. And I had some friends that were this image mainly the big guys with long hair look =]
And I'm a tomboy although very feminem so my interests were right up these boys ally and we hung out an awful lot. My girlfriend did too, she has never said anything to me but reading your post I wonder if anything did cross her mind.
So while I innocently mucked around with the boys, there was casual contact, nothing extreme. At times they may have seen me shirtless, I was pretty loose on the booze.
But this was just friendship, no boundaries were pushed, it never felt that way at all just friends.

It'll be a bit different considering this is an ex of hers, maybe feelings are still present but if you trust her enough then it should be okay. I think you are doing well to observe this, it's obviously a concern to you I would keep observing her body language etc. around him. You must have a tell tale sign that something is wrong in the relationship? Keep a watchful eye, don't get carried away, don't accuse her of anything just yet, instead, take a positive out of it somehow like you have a babe even men desire =p
Also a nice oversized slip on dress would be very comfortable for her and would be perfect if someone drops in unexpectedly and she was bare bum.

 

Thanks Irminsul,

I appreciate the advice. From my point of view if you are a self proclaimed lesbian women who still needs the male gaze (even subconsciously) to feel approved there might be some under lying urges or desires that you have not self reflected enough to realize. Especially if it involved wearing less than the "polite" amount of clothing to attract that gaze. It's like pseduo-lesbians who make out in front of guys to get a reaction or attention. LESPOLITATION!

Respect is the issue for me. If your girlfriend had an ex who she was now friends with and felt the need to walk around with no clothes on in front of that ex, i think you would relate to the emotions I am experiencing.

I believe that all energy is inherently sexual. You can call it kundalini or chi, either way it is sexual. And when you are not honest with your self about it you will act it out in other ways. This was just her way of acting it out, whether internal or external.

Either way I am going to try and come from a positive place on this issue b/c i love her. For me she is not just eye candy and i could care less if men find her attractive. BUT if that is the game she wants to play, i've already let her know that it makes me uncomfortable, then she should be free to play it. I'll take my emotions out of it. She should be free to experience life in any way she please.

Monogamy is a hard game to play with out becoming possessive, and my past life of polyamorous living hasn't helped. I am learning.

Thanks again Irmisul!!

 

It very well could mean nothing at all except that they have emmense comfort with one another. On the other hand you were quite clear and assertive about covering up and that alone is enough reasom for her to do as asked. It means she is appropriately responding to you because she cares. People that matter to others want each other happy.

 

Thank you Calgirl,

Sometime I forget about how simple things can be.

Either way. I am letting it go. CHEERS.

 

I think you need to discuss boundries of what is appropriate and what its not. Your own needs are not being met and it doesn't help the situation she acts flirty in the present of another especially a man.

She needs to respect your own situation as well not just hers.

 

I read your post and all the hairs of my neck stood on end.

My long-term partner had an affair with a guy from her work a while ago. He was their computer whizz-kid, and he came round to fix a problem on our computer, and she spent the whole time flirting shamelessly with him in front of me.

She then patronized me when I tried to raise it and make an issue of it, and told me not to be paranoid. Told me her colleagues joked that they must be having an affair because they spent so much time together, but I had nothing to worry about.

This was when I was fighting Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and going to bed almost as soon as I got home from work every day. And she never came and sat with me or spent time with me. As soon as I was in bed (and she sometimes tried to hurry me along to bed) I could hear her tapping away on the computer.

Then one day she carelessly left herself logged in, and I reviewed her messenger conversations. And you know what??

"But you've got nothing to worry about" turned out to be THE BIGGEST FUCKIGN LIE SHE'D EVER TOLD ME.

And as I read how your partner behaved with this guy in front of you, it just felt EXACTLY like how my partner had behaved with this guy in front of me.

So ... I'd be very wary, hun. VERY wary.

 

Well its been about a month since I made this post and I have to say thanks you to everyone who have advice.

I sincerely tried to let go of the emotions I experiences from the situation. We have moved on and made peace despite the jealousy and disrespect. Trying to actualize the term "keep it light" in reference to my relationship. its definitely a journey. Yet, we are still together and doing a lot better.

Though, It so interesting to hear that so many women have dealt with the same situation in their lesbian relationships.

Why do women get in relationships with other women just to cheat on them with a man?

 

Despite her comfort level with him and supposed innocence with the flirtation, continuing to do so without regard to your feelings isn't acceptable. There comes a time when being playful outside the relationship is just plain rude. On the other hand people dont like to be controlled and have an inherent right to behave autonomously. Theres a fine balance between being harmless in their interactions beyond the SO while simultaneously showing the SO they are 100% priority.