"Couple" therapy and chest hair (????)

Congratulations on your bold step.

 

I feel ready. In my way of thinking things, I don't have to stop loving him. I don't think I can stop loving him. I'm just shifting him to a special friend zone.

However, I expected something to change. I thought today we'd talk about it. He's acting as if nothing had changed. I don't know what could have changed... perhaps he "should" have asked me if I'm sure of what I want, something like that. Anything that would acknowledge we'll divorce.

I've checked on the internet and we can be divorced in 3 to 6 months, since we'll agree on everything... if he agrees to divorce at all, that is.

 

Thank you.

 

Thank you, Willy.

 

I don't get one thing, he obviously loves you, you obviously love him, why do you want a divorce instead of fixing the problem? I don't think it will get much better for you when you leave him, as you still have huge feelings for him. The problem is he has no idea what is he doing wrong.

Tell him that you will divorce him if he won't go for a couples therapy or something.

 

In my professional opinion your husband sounds like ten different kinds of stupid.

 

FlyingFly, I assure you, I've told him in very clear terms what the problem is. He knows and we've discussed it many times. But he doesn't like doing the things that would diminish my frustration, so, he doesn't do them. The divorce idea didn't come up, because he thinks I've got chest hair. Not even because he won't come to therapy with me. Loving him and caring about him the way I do, I'd never be light about such a thing.

And I've been trying really hard to be happy with life the way it is. But I'm frustrated, very frustrated. And it's been almost two decades of frustration. I think that's a long time to be frustrated. I've been sacrificing something that is a big part of who I am all these years. It seemed worth to do it to be with the man I love. Why did I change my mind? I don't know. Because it's been too long? Because I'm getting old? I don't know. I'm only human. I'm entitled to recognize I've made a mistake, or I'm wrong, or I'm tired. I'm entitled to change my mind.

He changed too, you know? Before we got married, he was willing to work on making it good for me, too. After we got married, he changed about it. He gave up. I assumed he was only human, too, also entitled to change his mind. I respected that and tried to adapt. Because I love him, and I know he loves me.

This morning, after seeing me looking for a property to buy on the internet, and after I've told him we could be divorced in 3 to 6 months, he sat down and came up with a calculation: he estimated the number of orgasms I've given him to about 5000. And the number of orgasms he's given me to... 50. He told me he understood my frustration and that he's gonna do something about it.

We had sex and, for the first time since we've got married, my husband didn't complain and stop the act when I helped myself have an orgasm while we were having sex. I think I'm a very patient woman.

It seems the divorce idea wasn't a bad one, after all.

 

He's not stupid. He's different. It's impossible to explain. I don't understand all of it myself. He's very particular, with a brain that works in strange ways. I think all the pathways related to me are faulty. The other ones work pretty well.

He loves me deeply. And that's all that remains. He remembers that, but all the rest, pertaining to me, is a blur. That's the impression I get.

When we're talking, he seems to be paying attention. We can talk openly about everything. Everything. Always in the best conditions, never an argument. When he's wrong, he admits. Same with me. But, a few hours later, it is as if the conversation had not taken place.

I'm exaggerating, but not by much. The exaggeration is just to try to make it understandable. But I know it's strange. It is strange.

I've seen he's written on a post it that he should take care of me. A reminder.

 

You are brave and you are handling your situation very wisely, rationally, calmly and with respect.

I wish you all the best.

Your husband should perhaps see a doctor for his memory/attention problems.
Someone already mentioned early onset of the Alzheimer's d. There's a lot about it on the internet, so you can see whether your husband has the same symptoms or nor.

 

I'm sure the guy doesn't have any memory issues. He's simply not paying attention when his wife is talking to him. It's a common problem and it makes women feel that whatever their husbands are thinking about or doing is more important than what they're saying -- and it's frustrating. I know, because I used to do it and I still struggle with it from time-to-time. What you have to learn to do is stop whatever the heck it is you're doing when you're wife is talking to you and pay attention -- it's not that hard. And it's also important to have some time set aside each day to discuss important things and what's going on.

But women -- don't just get pissed off and say, "I told you were were going to the Smith's for dinner tonight!" Tell your husband how it makes you feel and why. Maybe it will sink in. It did for me -- and at least my wife sees that I'm making an effort even though once in awhile I still forget what she tells me.

 

Wow. How long did it take you to develop this wife ignoring behavior?
I've never had an experience like this and I wonder if I'm just too young. Does it takes decades of partnership/marriage for this to happen?

 

Exaggerate much? I thought the example I gave might tell people the kind of thing I was talking about. It's not about "ignoring" my wife -- just missing things that she would tell me sometimes in passing, thinking that I was engaged and listening, but I had my mind on something else. And it's really just as much about how it makes her feel as opposed to me doing some unforgivable thing.

But if you have a husband who has never forgotten something like a dinner out with friends or to pick up something at the grocery etc. -- congratulations. He's a real keeper all right.

Otherwise, you totally missed the point of my post -- and it applies to both men and women -- you need to tell your spouse how whatever it is they're doing makes you feel -- neglected, sad, frustrated etc -- and why. Just getting angry and arguing or steaming in silence doesn't cut it. It's a pretty basic principle of communicating within a relationship. If they had gone to counseling, that's like what they would have been told as a first step to getting things back on track.

 

Oh, sorry. I must have misunderstood a bit.

I know what you're talking about now. We're all preoccupied with things sometimes .

It's just that OP mentions how often it happens with her husband and how much its hurting their relationship. To me it sounded like a really frequent and troubling thing. Not the: 'I'm in a hurry/busy/tired and really don't have time/energy to listen to you now' thing, that happens to everyone once in a while.

I really like the rest of your post. It's sound advice. All troubles in marriage usually start when communication isn't open, don't they?

 

No problem. It can be about more important things too -- if you're not paying attention, your going to miss it regardless. And I don't know about the chest hair thing -- but I guess I could see forgetting my wife telling me she was getting a bikini wax or whatever. Although if she told me she was going all the way with it, that's probably something I'd remember.

It's just a shame seeing people split up over what are essentially communication issues. (As far as we know.) My wife and I lost our first child when she was 10 weeks old. We went to group grief counseling -- and the counselor recommended couples counseling to us, primarily because we were pretty young and just married. Much of it was about communication and explaining how things make you feel -- or using "feeling statements" instead of pointless bickering or making accusations or digging up the past etc. We still go every once in a while for what our therapist calls a "tune up" -- just to air things that might be bothering us in front of someone neutral. I really would recommend that to anyone -- and not necessarily wait until there are bigger problems.

The other thing is, you really can't tell much from a thread like this -- you're only hearing one side of it.

 

He's not ill. Well, I'm not a physician, but I really don't think he's ill. He can work just fine, for instance. I think there are moments he chooses to relax, perhaps too much, and when he isn't paying attention, he's nor registering. Does that make sense?

Thank you very, very much for your kind words.

And patience is paying off. After the divorce talks, he's really making an effort. We have some sort of sex everyday, and he's caring to give me an orgasm at least a third to half of the times we do something. He agreed with me using a bullet vibrator during intercourse to help make me orgasm. It's fantastic! I'm not using it every time, to give him time to get used to it. I don't want to spoil his pleasure while I'm getting mine. But the fact I can use it sometimes is brilliant. And we're having 69s sometimes, instead of just me giving head and getting nothing. When we 69, I always orgasm.

He's also trying to concentrate when we talk about something, but that is still a work in progress and it'll be a long way to get some place better. I even doubt it'll improve noticeably. But he's trying. I don't want him to have to police himself all the time. If it's a burden, then he can leave it.

But the sex improvement has already brightened my life so much! And to know he's making moves to keep our marriage! That's very nice.

I'm super happy with the change. If it lasts, I won't divorce, and that's great, because I love him and he loves me.

 

JoeBone, thank you for your posts. What a sad thing, you two had to go through that terrible loss.

Please, don't assume we don't communicate. We both do. Not as in arguing. We never raise our voices, we never say, nor do, things meant to hurt each other. He's a good person and I like to believe that so am I. There is a lot of respect from both sides to each others interests in life, etc. But we're incompatible in a few things. One of them, something very fondamental. All talk in the world won't change your tastes.

Basicly, sexually, he only really enjoys receiving. I respected that and lived with it, because we communicate about it. But that makes me a very lonely person, and the other things, like the forgetfulness, hit harder when one's frustrated. I voiced my problems and he voiced his sympathy, but that was all he did about that. I've lived with it for as long as I could. It'll soon be a 20 years anniversary of it. So, it isn't as if I haven't tried to adapt, to accept. It isn't as if we didn't talk, and I suddenly surprised him with the bad news.

He says he's 100% happy with things the way they are. Me, I find it more challenging to live like this as time passes. I got to the point I thought it had to change. We talked all through the process. He'd apologize, sincerely, offer his sympathy, but nothing changed.

After much consideration, I decided we could be friends and divorce, instead of keeping the marriage as it is.

Lucky me, this worked as a wake up call, and now he's making an effort. For how long, I don't know. Can he be happy if he has to work on pleasing me? I don't know. But I'm hoping he can get used to it, I'm dreaming he can even enjoy it, and I'm hoping it lasts.

You talk about going to therapy with your partner. I've tried that, too. But he didn't wanna go. He still doesn't wanna go.

 

Mhm, there are always two in every relationship.

It's really inspiring how you and your wife take such a good care of your relationship. Especially after what you've been through. I can't even begin to imagine how tough it was.

Just_a_woman: it's great to hear that things are getting better . I like your positive attitude and wish that in the end you will be happy, regardless of what happens to your marriage.

 

Thank you!

 

You are welcome.

And I didn't say you didn't communicate -- rather that there were communications issues. I didn't go through the whole thread, but you certainly indicated that you had them in the OP. And even the unwillingness to go to couples therapy is a communication issue. And that you wanted to go in the first place indicates that you needed help getting through to him on some level -- that's what couples therapy is for.

Anyway, good luck with everything.

 

Well, I love my wife with all my heart -- and I feel like if we got through that, we can get through anything. We've been married 11 years now and have two healthy beautiful children. It's all good.