could anybody check this one for mistakes?

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by sleeping jiva, May 17, 2004.

  1. sleeping jiva

    sleeping jiva Member

    hi, I'm not born english speaking, I''d really appreciate if you'd write me some comments on this song I wrote. Are there any mistakes in it, is it clear enough? Can u understand it? lol. thanx in advance.


    So you're hooked up in the game again
    You just feel like dirty&insane
    You mind spits that flame in your name

    Why people have to die tonight?
    Just 'cuz some are living a lie
    Could you tell me why?

    Unless you realize
    That you're not your mind
    With the mirrors in your eyes
    You'll be always breaking my heart

    Overcome yourself

    Noone hears you call for help oh yeah
    You're standing against yourself oh yeah
    In the world polution & radioactive waste

    Joy will turn into sand in hand
    It's really hard to say ok
    When you got to pay

    They can destroy this world
    For their stupid goal
    They can destroy this world
    but they'll be born again to this mess

    Overcome yourself

    ( I have trouble to find rhymes. it's hard like hell, cuz you need a big vocabulary in order to achieve at least some kind of variety& colour in poems.)
     
  2. veinglory

    veinglory Member

    So you're hooked up in the game again
    You just feel [like] dirty and insane
    ---I suggest you replace this with 'so'

    You mind spits that flame in your name
    ---You should be 'Your'
    ---not quite sure what this line means?

    Why people have to die tonight?
    ---Why 'do' people?

    Just 'cuz some are living a lie
    ---'cause

    Could you tell me why?

    Unless you realize
    That you're not your mind
    With the mirrors in your eyes
    You'll be always breaking my heart

    Overcome yourself

    Noone hears you call for help, oh yeah
    ---no-one
    You're standing against yourself, oh yeah
    In the world pol[l]ution and radioactive waste
    ---world 'of'?

    Joy will turn into sand in hand
    It's really hard to say ok
    When you got to pay

    They can destroy this world
    For their stupid goal?
    They can destroy this world
    but they'll be born again to this mess

    Overcome yourself

    ---not too many errors, but I find the message a bit unclear. It seems divided between hating the polluting 'them', and something to do with the person being adressed... could you make it clearer?
     
  3. osiris

    osiris Senior Member

    The message is clear to me. you are asking people to give up their ego-selves and absolve with you into eternal bliss.

    but we always have to come back to what we leave behind, in some manner or another, don't we?

    much love :)
     
  4. sleeping jiva

    sleeping jiva Member

    So you're hooked up in the game again
    You just feel so dirty and insane
    Body set the flame


    Why do people have to die tonight?
    Just 'cause some are living a lie
    Could you tell me why?
    (Is 'cuz ok? I saw it several times written like this. It's just a slang, but you do understand don't you? In this case I don't really care, because it has the same number of syllables, I'm just curious. )


    Unless you realize
    That you're not your mind
    With the mirrors in your eyes
    You'll be always breaking my heart

    Overcome yourself

    No-one hears you call for help, oh yeah
    You're standing against yourself, oh yeah
    In the World pollution and waste

    (yeah, I know it was supposed to be "world of pollution" but it doesn't fit my song lol. Is this working? I wanted to use "world" as an adjective)

    Joy will turn into sand in hand
    It's really hard to say ok
    When you got to pay

    They can destroy this world
    For their stupid goal?
    They can destroy this world
    but they'll be born again to this mess

    (can it be in singular? goal? if not, why?)

    Overcome yourself

    not to many errors, but I find the message a bit unclear. It seems divided between hating the polluting 'them', and something to do with the person being adressed... could you make it clearer?

    well, I don't really want to make it clearer. I think it's too obvious for me :) I'm kind of ashamed that I'm too clear about it. It involves 3 persons- the narrator, the man, who is disturbed by his mind and them, who want to destroy this world. In my opinion, the words don't really have to be clear for the listener in the whole. He's gonna remember only few lines anyway, so I'm giving him my offer to choose from. If he explores it more, it'll be more fun to reveal the secret of it. I don't want to tell him everything, but engage his own interpretation and thus make him to create :)
    yeah, osiris got it right, but eternal bliss isn't mentioned in there, so it is his interpretation. (although yes, that is the real goal -to attain eternal bliss) As a matter of fact, we are not suppose to leave things behind, but look at them and find that endlessness in them. You can't run away. It's all you. :)
     
  5. akhc

    akhc Member

    So you're hooked up in the game again
    You just feel so dirty and insane
    Body set the flame


    If u mean that person whose dirty and insane is feeling the heat then "Body set aflame" may be better


    Why do people have to die tonight?
    Just 'cause some are living a lie
    Could you tell me why?
    (Is 'cuz ok? I saw it several times written like this. It's just a slang, but you do understand don't you? In this case I don't really care, because it has the same number of syllables, I'm just curious. )

    Cuz is absolutely fine. Some would say it's in keeping with the whole tone of your song.

    Unless you realize
    That you're not your mind

    I understand the above.

    With the mirrors in your eyes

    what do u mean by this?

    You'll be always breaking my heart

    Overcome yourself

    No-one hears you call for help, oh yeah
    You're standing against yourself, oh yeah
    In the World pollution and waste

    (yeah, I know it was supposed to be "world of pollution" but it doesn't fit my song lol. Is this working? I wanted to use "world" as an adjective)

    u could use "in the world, pollution and waste" (which could be read as in the world there is pollution and waste

    Joy will turn into sand in hand

    a feeling turning into an object? I don't understand what u're trying to portray here.

    It's really hard to say ok
    When you got to pay

    They can destroy this world
    For their stupid goal?
    They can destroy this world
    but they'll be born again to this mess

    (can it be in singular? goal? if not, why?)

    yes singular moreso because u use it in the singular in the third line.

    Overcome yourself
     
  6. sleeping jiva

    sleeping jiva Member

    akhc, thanx for your help it's appreciated.

    Body set the flame


    If u mean that person whose dirty and insane is feeling the heat then "Body set aflame" may be better

    No I mean that body set the flame in your mind. Your mind is still your body, it is nothing superior. You got fire in your mind, when you are overwhelmed by paranoya and it is your body, which is afraid that it will die.


    Why do people have to die tonight?
    Just 'cause some are living a lie
    Could you tell me why?
    (Is 'cuz ok? I saw it several times written like this. It's just a slang, but you do understand don't you? In this case I don't really care, because it has the same number of syllables, I'm just curious. )

    Cuz is absolutely fine. Some would say it's in keeping with the whole tone of your song.

    Unless you realize
    That you're not your mind

    I understand the above.

    With the mirrors in your eyes

    I mean what I wrote -mirrors in eyes, they are turned inwards so you always see yourself and nobody else.

    u could use "in the world, pollution and waste" (which could be read as in the world there is pollution and waste

    Joy will turn into sand in hand

    a feeling turning into an object? I don't understand what u're trying to portray here.

    Joy will end. I'm using it in reference to : "gold turned into sand" -from a fairy tale or something. Joy is appreciated, so is the gold.

    thanx once again!
     
  7. akhc

    akhc Member

    No I mean that body set the flame in your mind. Your mind is still your body, it is nothing superior. You got fire in your mind, when you are overwhelmed by paranoya and it is your body, which is afraid that it will die.

    Ah okie.. in which base body is being used as a singular so it should be

    Body sets the flame

    which grammatically is correct.

    As for the rest.. its ambiguous but nothing bad and it would make the listener think.. perhaps a little too ambiguous in parts but that's artistic license for u!
     

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