I don't think I have ever posted on this forum before, but here goes - My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years. We first met online while I was living in China as an English teacher and he was at university in Australia (he is Korean, but has been living abroad for about the past seven years in both New Zealand and Australia). He came to China to meet me IRL and we fell in love. After I finished my contract in China I moved to Australia to be with him. I got a job straight away and he was in his last year of uni. There are a few issues we have always had - I lose my temper quite easily (get over it just as fast, though), he has a MAJOR lack of life experience and is unwilling to listen to the advice of others, including me. His family sent him to study overseas and came into financial difficulty. Instead of bringing him back home, they just started borrowing money, which culminated in them now being up shit creek financially and in his final year of uni his mum contacted him and said 'You're on your own, I'm sorry'. Luckily he was able to get a scholarship for his final year as well as help from me and he worked (but had issues in the work place due to the reasons I gave above). Once he graduated from uni we moved back to New Zealand (where he went to high school, and where I am from). The goal was for him to get a one year work visa and during that year go for permanent residency in New Zealand under partnership (me) sponsorship. I need to mention at this point that South Korea has mandatory military conscription of two years for all males. His mother (who is pure poison) has put an absolute fear of this in him, telling him things like the military service will destroy his career (not sure how she worked that one out, since ALL Korean men have to do it ), so there was an incredible amount of pressure on me to sponsor him so that he didn't have to go back and do it. Once in New Zealand I got a job immediately to support both of us. It was a pretty average job and the pay was crap, but I knew I had to take the first thing I could get. Long story short - it took three months for his work visa to come through, and another three months for him to get a job. In that six months all my savings (he had nothing saved from Australia due to his situation there) had gone and my wage just barely covered our rent, food and some bills. It didn't cover things like transport, visa fees, other bills, etc - that all came out of my savings. This was the most stressful time I had been through until recently, and although it sounds bad, I REALLY resented him during this time. It felt like I was sacrificing everything for him and getting nothing whatsoever back. We argued a LOT during this time, and while I could see he was hurting and knew that he was doing his best to find work, I just couldn't shake the anger for a long time. When he got a job everything became a lot easier and we were able to begin saving towards our future, we got a pet, and things improved. However, the permanent residency application didn't come through in time (Korea had put a stop on his passport meaning if he didn't get the PR before a certain date, he had to come back to Korea to do his military service). I made the choice to come back with him, because I love him and didn't want to be so far away from him. It also meant I could go back to teaching English which I love, and sure enough I found a job very quickly and am currently waiting for my visa to be processed and my job starts in about a month. But things here have become VERY bad. We are living with his parents and there have been massive issues. (I wanted us to get our own place, but my boyfriend was worried about using up all our savings so wanted to live there). Where do I even start? - 1. His mother almost right away started talking behind my back saying things like I treat him like a servant (because once I asked him to make a cup of coffee for me), and that my handbag must have come from my grandmother, because it's a secondhand bag from the 70's. She has also demanded $1500 in cash, his $600 tax return, over $400 worth of gifts and $50 per week additional payment. 2. The stress of her behaviour has made me so depressed that a couple of weeks ago I just couldn't even get out of bed. This apparently 'disappointed' his parents and made them decide I was 'unlikeable'. They told my boyfriend to tell me they no longer wanted me there and that they wanted me to go back to New Zealand. WTF?! They changed their minds - I think when they realised how despicable this would make them look to others - but I can tell they don't want me there, they ignore me most of the time, no one smiles at me or makes me feel welcome, and they are talking about me all the time in their own language. 3. This would all be bad enough, but my boyfriend has changed to the extent that I feel I am dating someone totally different. He admitted that he has come 'under the influence of his parents'. He is totally unaffectionate to me, talks to me very coldly, yells at me if I annoy him. He never translates anything for me (I am learning the language but am very much a beginner), so I never know what is going on. All of our money is controlled by him as I can't get a bank account until I get a visa. For a long time he refused to get cash out for me, and would 'joke' about how I can't do anything because he controls the money. 4. The worst times have been when I got terrible food poisoning a couple of weeks ago. I was so ill and weak I could no longer stand. I had to wake his mother to take me to the hospital as my boyfriend wouldn't even get out of bed to help me. When his mother made him get up to help take me to hospital he accused me of faking being sick to 'make him feel bad'. He was then throwing medication at me when I asked him to make me some electrolyte solution. It was only when I lost consciousness at the hospital that he realised I really was ill and apologised for his behaviour. Then last week he abandoned me in a train station to 'teach me a lesson', lol. Finally, I saw on his Facebook page that he had added a girl that he used to really like before he met me. When I asked him about it he said he had forgotten who she was, so just accepted the friend request to figure out who it was. Oh, please! I am at this point almost ready to give up on this relationship. He has no understanding of the struggles I am going through, to adjust to a language and culture I don't understand, and he doesn't want to help. I am almost ready to tell him that once he goes into the army and I start work, to take some time out, and see how we both feel when he gets out. Am I being unreasonable? He tells me it's all one sided for me (meaning I am only interested in my side of the relationship) What do I do, and where do I go from here?
Pretty much all relationships are going to run into some trouble sooner or later. So it look like a question of whether you want to invest in trying to fix things, or start over. Other people can help you clarify things, but you have to be the one to decide. Taking a break might not be so bad either way. Your current situation certainly seems to be putting a lot of stress on your relationship, but it also sounds like it goes quite a bit deeper, especially if he sees you as only concerned with your side of things. You have some different cultural expectations about the role of a bf/gf, and that adds an extra layer of difficulty. Imho, have a heart-to-heart about what is going on and think about being away from each other for a little while.
Sometimes the best way to make things happen positively is to work on them where the only one you can blame is yourself. Learning to live and be whole unto yourself IMHO should precourse relationships. (Like learning to control anger - from extensive personal experience - I use breathing techniques and reverend thanks for opportunities to Grow - even if I misuse them the opportunities are there) You have a lot going for you....be a shame to trash your life and throw the blame on another when the person steering your life is you. With no intent to offend .. to thine own Self be True
What is it that you love about him? His disrespect,maybe? His control of your money? His parents? His yelling at you?? Sneaking around on his computer behind your back??Hmmm. What's left? Haven't you answered your own questions?? IMO, this is not a loving,giving, sharing relationship. Is it?? Or do you feel you deserve to be treated this way and "everything will be OK?" Run, woman. Run.
You certainly do not sound unreasonable to me. If I were you I probably had either left (especially after I read point 4) or punched both your bf and his mom in the face by now
You may be dealing with cultural miscommunication. He want's his family to accept you like a local girl, but you won't be acting like one. Subtleties that would get your point accrost are as much a foreign language as what is said. I know more about what's in the Kama Sutra and how Japanese spouses argue than Korea, but in both, to be seen by others dissagrying with your partner is something to be reserved for monumental fuck ups that have not been handled in private. If you talk about an issue or disagree in the living area instead of the bedroom, your actions would look like public humiliation to the wrong culture rather than communication. This could make you seem unbearably domineering and cruel to his parents if they can't see why, and with that kind of perception of you, can you blame the dislike? Maybe if you corner him where you can't be seen or heard by others, you can get translations for what you DO rather than what you say from him. If your actions don't translate you may not be communicating. Since you are in Korea, you may be expected to do thing as they are done in Korea even though you don't know what that way is.
very valid points. And it's definitely obvious to me that his mother expects me to behave in a certain way without actually telling me what it is. He left our room to go sleep in another one tonight...watch this space...
I read this post thoroughly and have understood the situation. You need to get out of this. Go back to your place safely and forget everything. (Honestly, I don't like to suggest this after 3 years of togetherness/ sharing) But here you are in a toxic situation, and get out fast, before you collapse totally.
Thank you. I did. We broke up today. I am extremely depressed, and feel totally alone in a strange country, but he has become a totally different person to the one I thought I was with. He didn't even seem bothered by us breaking up. My head is spinning.
As I said before, I'm a little jealous, wouldnt mind a couple years living in Sth Korea, I hope you can stick it out for a while, you may end up loving the place
You should probably be with friends and family if you are feeling really depressed. Are you feeling any better than when you posted earlier today? I believe you have made the right decision in leaving. You seem like a smart young lady, but even the smartest and strongest people do better with a support system.
Ugh...what an awful story for you...leave you at a train station to teach you a lesson. leave him for good! What kind of compassion is that? he is obviously torn between you and his parents, and cannot stand for what he wants yets. I hope another door opens for you soon.
Stick it out then, you'll have the funds in just over a month And as for the next boyfriend, finding a korean guy thats going to be into a white chic three foot taller than him, shouldnt be a problem, there are millions over there, it will be like Dorothy with the Munchkins when she first gets to Oz
Ah, sorry to disappoint VG, but I booked a ticket home. My boyfriend gave me what was apparently remaining of our original funds of $10,000 - it was only $2100. I suspect his mum put her hand out for a large chunk as there is NO way we could have spent so much living with his parents and eating there, despite the massive amount of money she has been given. That's not enough to cover my trip to Japan to get the visa done, the cost of visa, medical examination and over a months expenses until my first payment the following month. I have been stiffed, and I am going to have to start over with nothing.
This does not sound at all like a "healthy relationship." I really can't tell if your BF is a good guy who's had a rough time getting ahead or a gigolo. But one thing is certain and read this two or three times for your own sake. You marry a person, you marry into the family. So his mom is not going anywhere. It's not like you are going to marry and then all of a sudden be rid of her. If anything you will never be rid of her, and it sounds like she already has some power over him and sees you as a threat to that, so there's this other power struggle going on. I'm not in any way going to give you any advice as I don't know how much this guy means to you, but again just know that if you go anywhere long term with him, it's going to be with his family too. And add another thing to that, take a good look at his family, his parents, grandparents, brothers or sisters, cause that's his role models and is who / what most likely he's going to aspire to be like. So if you don't like his mom much, how do you think he's going to turn out? Maybe not exactly like his mom, but I'm sure he's going to have a lot of the same qualities and personality traits... Just my 2 cents... Edit - After posting this, just read that sounds like you booked a trip home and I assume split up. Sorry it didn't work out, but probably for the best. Relationships do have hard / pain points, but they really shouldn't be such an on going struggle as it sounds like you've had. Good luck in future relationships
