Considering an open lifestyle with SO

So I have been off and on with my SO for 15 years. We used to have great face numbing, collapse out of breathe monkey sex all the time until the last year or so. I realize this can sometimes happen in the middle of a long relationship but recently I have just been thinking, why not bring someone else in, she can have a guy and I can have a girl and we can stay together? I even talked with her openly about it and she shot it down right away and claims she is happy with the sex but I don't see how that is possible. When I think back to how we used to do it and what it is like lately, it is boring by comparison.

The problem is that I am not interested in cheating and I don't want to nag her to death to get her to agree to it. I feel stuck, I wanna explore a new women so bad and I'm willing to let her be with a guy too. I do love her and I never thought I could share her with anyone until recently. I am just more open to the idea.

I even had a dream last night that she agreed and banged some dude in our house and he left and then in my dream it seemed like a few days passed and a hot brunette visited and was waiting naked in the bedroom for me, I talked to my girl before following this other girl and made sure she was okay and she told me to go for it and have fun and I was so excited as I went in and shut the door and proceeded to get to know every inch of the sexy brunette I was imaging.

I woke up with a raging boner and my heart pounding and then reality set in and I felt kinda lousy about being so fascinated by this idea. Really not sure where to go from here.

 

So you are basically saying that you are bored with your sex life because you don't fuck like monkeys anymore?

 

You've been with her for 15 years and this is the 'middle' of your relationship? Just an observation.

Edit: How about taking a break?

 

First of all good for you for not resorting to cheating like so many weaker people do! If you want to bang other woman don't do it at her expense. She deserves better then that.

As for the open lifestyle my thoughts are you should probably work on fixing what you have together before bringing others into it. You say it was once great so there is hope there to make it so again. Communicaite with each other openly and figure out what both of you need to get that spark back into your sexual relationship.

Once you get your sex lives together back on track then maybe start working on opening it up for others. Don't expect it to happen fast and don't be pushy about it. Be open and don't be judgmental about each others fantasies.

 

No, Basically I am saying that the passion we had is missing.

 

The thing is, as I'm sure you know, you can't have an open relationship if only one person wants it open. You can obviously bring it up to her again and try to change her mind... but really shouldn't pressure her either...

In that case, if she says no again... I'd say, assuming you still wanna be with her and you don't want to go behind her back... work on bringing the passion back. It can be done. Just.. be creative.

 

and btw, that almost always happens after 5, 10, 15 whatever years..
most ppl just learn to deal with it..
but if you put the work into it you can possibly bring it back, but you really can't ever expect it to be the same as it was at first...
my relationship is now going on year 14 so I know what i'm talking about..

 

Damn you guys are making me paranoid about the way I word shit.

Taking a break may or may not work, we have kids and rings on our fingers. Besides I don't want her out of my life, she is my best friend.

Wait, unless you mean taking one from our sex life and not the relationship itself? Were are only fucking once a week as it is right now. We both work long hours and come home tired so I understand that aspect of it but I can't deal with anything less than once a week, I'm 36 not 63.

 

Mothman... I really should have emphasized the "most just learn to deal with it" part.. the things being less exciting and wonderful and all...

 

I meant from the relationship.

 

Yes I agree, it would be selfish of me to pressure her and I'm not that kind of dude. As for spicing things up it sounds good on paper but you have to know my girl, she doesn't do anything she doesn't feel like doing even if she is being selfish.

She has that attitude at work as well and I am friends with all of her coworkers and they make jokes about her being a diva when I see them because she will tell her boss she isn't in the mood to do certain things today and she doesn't do them and somehow she gets away with it lol.

Anyway what I'm getting at is that I end up being the only one putting in real effort unless she is already in the mood. If she is horny then the sex can be good. If she is not then it won't matter if I buy her diamonds and take her dancing and bring her home to candles and roses all over the house, I'm still gonna get mechanical sex with no oral involved lol.

 

I have the feeling you're gonna have to either A- learn to live with it like so many other people have had to... or B- learn to be sneaky and tell yourself what she doesn't know won't hurt her...
and between those two it'll probably end up being more what you can live with more out of those two. i'm not advocating either.
cause I have the feeling you don't want to end the relationship. i'm not always 100% excited in my relationship anymore but I also have a kid with him and love him and I know it's not ending...
or you could TRY to spice things up... like... idk, have sex outdoors or something. a cpl years ago outta the blue, cause my hubby n I had never done this before, we started watching porn together at times..
idk..

 

You are right, and I guess this whole open relationship thing has just gotten ahold of me somehow. She doesn't seem to be down with it so I guess I have to chill the fuck out lol.

 

she might change her mind. I mean maybe depending on exactly what open means and doesn't mean...

(btw, I keep seeing your posts and thinking they are mine, lol. like..."I didn't post that, what... oh, okay, mothman")

 

See that's just it, we used to watch porn but we would laugh and say our sex was so much better and just shut it off and start fucking and it was great but I guess we are in a slump due to our daily schedules and the fact we have fucked each other a billion times.

I'm not gonna cheat, I just think that shit is so low. I have been tempted many times and I know it can be avoided if you have the strength of character. It's just a fucked up way to scar someone for personal pleasure.

Outside is fun but we have done that, we live in the country and neighbors can't see our yard so we have many times. I think she tells herself in the back of her mind that we can make it good like that anytime and just really isn't concerned about it but it's torturing me lol.

 

My bad, I will change my avatar, no biggie:sunny:

 

Yeah man, that would be tough for me to do. We're not perfect but we get along well and love each other.

 

I understand. I just fear that being pushy might be worse.

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Edit: Or even putting a lid on your fantasies. It would depend on how passionate you are about them.

 

True especially with this particular subject matter.

 

I wasn't trying to make you change your avatar!
I was thinking of changing mine soon to the eye anyway... so I can change it now if you want it back?
anyways... that's good you don't wanna cheat or leave her... I don't know... it seems that maybe you're just temporarily frustrated?