I've got a consent question, hope I can get some help with an answer. I was seeing this girl for a month and a half (we went on 10 or so dates). We both were super interested in each other. I'd stay over at her place sometimes and we'd always get physical, but every time she told me she didn't want to have sex. The last time I stayed over (date 8) she gave me head briefly, then said she was tired, and then asked what I wanted to do. I told her I wanted to have sex. She said she did to, but wasn't ready. But right after that I was on top of her in the missionary position, we were kissing, and she started rubbing my dick against her with her hand. She stopped, and I started doing it. After a while of me doing that and us saying nothing she pulled away, and seemed to lose interest. I didn't try to penetrate. I was waiting for her to tell me she wanted me to. Was she wanting me to just go for it, or did I do the right thing by not pushing further since she told me she wasn't ready at the beginning and didn't say anything more about it? --- I really liked the girl, and wanted to respect her wishes. Plus the whole consent thing in this age is super important for men. But I feel like not going for it was a critical error that led to her disinterest (we've stopped seeing each other since then). What do you guys think? And please let me know if you need clarification or more info!
You did the right thing by not pushing to intercourse. But you made several mistakes along the way. On date 8 she didn't know what to tell you about wanting to have sex. She clearly wanted to have sex with you but the signals got crossed. Besides you may not have been doing anything to her to get her ready. She became tired during oral sex which may have meant her jaw became sore and she needed to move onto something else. That was your opportunity to offer to reciprocate. She wasn't ready because you might not had not done anything to her to get her ready. When you were on top in missionary she reached for your erection. By doing that she was telling you she wanted to have sex with you now get me ready. You were getting pleasure but did you attempt to give her any in return? Did you touch her genitals in any way seductively? Did you say sweet nothings in her ear? That's what she wants. Women want to be romanced. They want to be told how beautiful they are. Why do you think they go through all that make up and hair routine? It's so men will tell them how much they are liked and loved. If I were her I would have stopped also. If you weren't telling me how much you wanted me, how beautiful I was, or weren't fondling my vulva, breasts, nipples, or other erogenous areas I would have lost interest too.
Thank you for your reply! I gave her oral before she gave me head. Before that I rubbed her clit, fingered her, and played with her breasts. I tried to show her that I cared about her and her pleasure through doing those things. However, I didn't say sweet nothings. I didn't think words were needed. And I tend not to give a lot of verbal validation until I'm actually in a relationship with someone. After we had both given each other oral and I was rubbing myself against her, I was waiting for her to pull me in. I didn't want to push things if she wasn't ready, and I wanted her to tell me that she was or make it clear some other way. It's important to note we'd been drinking beforehand. I wasn't drunk, but she mentioned after she pulled away and things had calmed down that she was tipsy. I was a little startled when she said that, and glad I didn't push. I always want sex to be something both people involved want and enjoy, and the first time shouldn't be while intoxicated. She was also still talking to other people at date 8, and had told me she was scared of us getting serious. That's how we ended, actually. I told her I wanted commitment and she said that was too scary, and she didn't have her life together or know what she was doing. I believe that might've been the same reason the signals for sex weren't clear. We were physically attracted to each other, but she wasn't ready for that kind of emotional connection. Though it may be I just wasn't the right guy for her, but I'm not sure.
Physically you did what you could for her. With the additional information I can see where she was scared or apprehensive. You're right in that the first time to have sex or rather intercourse, it needs to be something special. It was for me and I will cherish the moment forever. You have to say those sweet nothings. What you say goes a long way with a woman. I have made women orgasm by using a little physical stimulation and talking to them. They have made me orgasm faster by telling me how good I am fucking them. Words stimulate the bodies largest sex organ. The brain. By saying something to a woman that they want to hear they will become very turned on and ready for sex. Alcohol or not she was almost ready for sex with you. By reaching to your cock after oral she was signaling that she needed a little push. If you had said the right thing it is quite possible you would have slid home inside her vagina. Maybe. She is still playing the field and in her mind is saving herself for "the one I love". She wasn't ready for that kind of emotional connection with you. She doesn't love you so chances are you aren't going to get any further that you did with her. Neither will all the others she is talking with. There isn't a strong enough emotional connection between you two yet. There might be someday if you continue to date. But you may have had enough and are ready to move on. After 10 dates you should have had a relationship building. You wanted commitment and she said that was too scary. IMO, you're not the right guy for her. It's not your fault. That's on her. Advice is to back off from her, look for someone else who has "experience", and learn as much as you can about sex with women from her. I stumbled across a woman like that after several failed relationships. She taught me the way to a woman's heart and her pussy. We had a relationship that was for sex primarily and emotional support secondarily. It didn't last. We both moved on. It happens more often than not.
I think you are bang on the money here . It reminds me of when I first had sex with a girl for the very first time. Very clumsy and neither of us had a clue of what we were doing really. If the OPs relationship needs to be furthered with this girl then I think he needs to look at romancing the girl first and see how things develop later. Some people and I include myself here can only have sex with someone I have a connection with.
Clearly she has some mixed feelings, probably some issues with having sex. Good for you for respecting her wishes. Am guessing she has not had a lot of experience and may be dealing with her concept of being a "good girl". But it's a mistake to expect her to say she wants it- we want to know we are wanted, even if that sentiment is not long lasting. If I had a dollar for every time I said "no" while raising my hips and spreading a legs slightly, well I'd be richer woman than I am. Hope you will let her know you still would like to see her (as long as that is true).
Thanks for your reply. I think you may be right with the "good girl" concept, as she would always catch herself when she was saying things that may of made her seem a bit promiscuous. I don't care, everyone does it, and I'm no saint or virgin, but I think she wanted to display a respectful image to me. I did try to let her know I wanted to keep seeing her after things fell apart, but I don't think it's going to work out, at least for now. I'm going to reach out in a month or two, if I don't have a gf or something serious by then, to see if she wants to grab a drink. I do really like the girl, it just may have been bad timing or inadequate communication. And my hesitancy on going for sex when it's not clearly defined each party wants it comes from having gone through sexual abuse. It's not really a 'want' kind of thing for a girl to let me know she wants to have sex, it's more of a 'need'. I try to let women know I'm very into them and sexually attracted in other ways, but when I ask and they say "no" or "I'm not sure", even if it's insincere, that's a red light for me. Just a mental block thing I guess. I'm at peace with what happened to me, but I never want to be the perpetrator, however slim of a chance.
