Confused

Hello all!

This is the first time I've shared my entire story (at least in summary) with anyone. I am hoping you all may have some advice.


I am 45 years old and I came out as gay when I was 21 and had known for years before that. For over 20 years I lived life as a gay person and never questioned it.

It is hard to explain how it happened but over time, I started to notice a blurry line, where I had attraction to guys who looked girlish and ladies who looked boyish. This was confusing because I had never been attracted to large breasts or vaginas (I saw plenty of female porn as a closeted teenager with friends etc). But, five years or so ago I wondered enough that I started looking at female porn as an adult and found that I seem to be attracted to small breasts and pudgy "slit" or "camel toe" style vaginas, which seem to be fairly uncommon.

This really captured my attention and for several years began masturbating to female porn of this type and became convinced that I was actual bisexual, not gay, and just didn't have the right opportunities as a teenager to figure that out. At that point, my identity with my friends and family had been defined as a gay person for so many years that I didn't (and don't) have any intention of telling anyone I'm bisexual since I have no intention of pursing a relationship with anyone of any gender at this point and figured it really
just doesn't matter.

At some point I resolved that I wanted to try female sex and a year ago had my first time. I couldn't get erect but I was really nervous and she wasn't really my type, so I didn't think much of it.

Then, last week I had my second time. This time with someone who was pretty spot on my type. I had no trouble getting and maintaining erection. However, when actually having vaginal sex (with a condom), I didn't find it very stimulating.

I have a few "pocket pussy" sex toys and when using them, I feel a texturing of sorts which is very stimulating. Before having real vaginal sex I tried using a condom with the sex toys so I had something to compare to and they still feel stimulating, so I don't think it was the condom. But, the real vagina just seemed totally smooth and loose by comparison and I couldn't orgasm, not even close, even though I was rock hard (with some Viagra help).

I've been trying to process this and have wondered if I made a mistake and I'm not really bisexual, though that seems unlikely to me since I am do get aroused by males and some females.

Since I only have experience one real vagina, I've wondered if maybe it was just that particular one or if maybe sex toys have given me an unrealistic expectation for the amount of stimulation to expect.

Is my description of "smooth and loose compared to sex toy" typical of vaginas?

Thanks much for any advice anyone many have!

 

I think my advice would be not to worry about labels ..gay, bi, pansexual et al. ....does it matter to label yourself?

Go with whatever excites and turns you on.... I've been bi all my life but now am on the gay end of the spectrum; a bit like you I'm generally attracted to slim slightly girlish guys and boyish women, tho that's not to say I'm not into rugby players n tradies too .....nothing is cast in stone......just enjoy!

Simon

 

Thanks for your advice!

 

I am a straight guy but hate labels when it comes to gender ,sex etc. There use encourages separatism and stigmas . WE are all people perhaps with different tastes at end of the day

 

I've had sex with 3 women in my life. My first girlfriend was in her late teens and she was loose. Cavernous even. She'd get wet and it was like having sex with a warm glass of slimy water. But she was amazing in bed. My second girlfriend was the tightest vagina I ever penetrated and she also could get very wet. However she was a real dud in bed. She'd lay on her back and wait for me to climb on top and then penetrate her and thrust into her. She lay there motionless as I pumped away. It was like that every time and it got old real fast. Her vagina felt great but it only got her so far. We broke up after 3 months and it was partly because of that. Now my wife is somewhere in between. She had our 3 kids vaginally but she isn't all that loose. She's good in bed a well.

All this to say that my first loose girlfriend gave me the best sex i ever had in my life. Vagina size isn't all that matters. The girl it's attached too really matters more. I really enjoy have sex with my wife and I fondly remember the first girlfriend. Not so much the second one.

 

Think about it.....if we all had the SAME tastes, this would be one BORING world!

Speaking of positions........I find it hard to get turned on by seeing a guy on his back getting his ass fucked, but, seeing a guy getting it doggy style (either on all fours or bent over), man, do my loaded nuts start churning!

I guess it has to do with me being a BIG TIME "ass man"; when a guy with a hot ass is getting pounded doggy-style, his ass is RIGHT in the crosshairs!

No wonder just the thought a guy's round, meaty butt over another guy's knees, getting a good, hard, bun-blistering, cum-blasting spanking gets me so damn hard it almost hurts; then again, to me, m/m spanking is the ULTIMATE "butt contact sport"!

But, seriously, do what turns YOU on and do NOT be afraid of telling your partners (m or f) what DOES and DOES NOT turn you on.

Mutual understanding and respect for each other's likes/dislikes should be the framework of any sort of relationship.....

 

Thanks for sharing! It sounds like sexuality is quite nuanced.

 

....I never believed in "labels", and never will.

When a man is free to enjoy sex, with either another man or another woman, as often as he wishes, without fear of being labeled "this-that-and-whatever-else", he, indeed is a man who is truly SECURE in his masculinity.

And, that security, I feel, speaks volumes......

 

It's nice to hear from the other side of the spectrum. But it just shows how everyone is alike, searching for some sexual meaning in their desires, and especially the distinction between their fantasies and what turns them on in porn vs. real personal contact. I understand why some believe labels are important, but for some people it's about trying to find their identity, and a label may satisfy that for them. I'm in the latter category myself, moving from bicurious, to biconfused when my real experiences with men usually failed to match my fantasies, to bisexual and happily accepting at least that after my first anal experience at 51 blew me away like no other sexual experience before--gay or straight--and after 21 years of only oral with guys.

But I'm still exploring my sexuality, now at 59. Like others have said, it's often a changing thing, if not an evolution. I presently feel, or at least hope, I am moving more towards gay, but the pandemic just curtailed my finding answers, though almost all I've thought about these last 2.4 years after breaking up with my girlfriend has been having sex, and possibly more, with men, and the only sex I've had in this period has been with men (3 to be precise), and men are all I've wanted to have.

I think you just need to explore with more women at this point to begin answering your questions. And do not compare sex toys with the real thing: they have almost nothing in common, especially in the case of vaginas (dildos are far closer to cocks that rubber/silcone vaginas are to real pussies, and you know how different dildos are in an asshole than real cocks). And as everyone has said, every pussy is different, not to mention every woman owning that pussy. I've been with guys I have no chemistry with, and guys that drive me wild with lust and passion, especially after bringing the greater intimacy of anal into our shared bed. To this day I have to be careful that I don't question the strength of my gay side after being with a guy I have no desire for and can't get hard with (usually because he shows no passion). No, my gay side is very real, has been repressed all my life, but is slowing emerging more and more: thank God! Take some time to explore your straight side, with different women. But try not to have expectations. Just be. And perhaps enjoy sometimes.

 

My experience has been that I seem to enjoy sexually what I have conditioned my self to. For many years I only enjoyed sex with my wife, even while I increasingly found myself being attracted to mens cocks. When I started to have sex with men I found that what I searched for was a man who sucked my cock like my wife did even though she rarely did so. But it was what I knew, and it seemed in my mind expected. Its been a transition to rewire my brain to not expect what I have come to know.

 

Fortunately, vaginas are as different as penises; some are so loose, you barely feel the sides of, some are so tight you can barely squeeze inside even after working it a while, some you can "hit bottom" easily, some you'll never feel the end of even on your best day's erection, some get drippy wet immediately, some need some lubricating help no matter how much foreplay you engage in. Variety is the spice of life - my advice would be don't give up until you've tasted a better cross-section of what's out there! Vaginas are a magical, wonderful thing!