Confused & frustrated about sexual orientation

Hi forum,

Forgive me if I end up telling my life story... but I think context is important.

I'm 26 and I've never had a relationship with either a woman or a man. A reason for this is that for a while I just wasn't interested in relationships and didn't feel ready to get close with someone, so I didn't start actually looking for one until a few years ago. Of course like everyone else I have sexual desires and fantasies, but I find I am much more sexually attracted to men than to women. In fact, often the thought of having sex with a woman is a bit of turn-off for me.

But when I was 24 I had my first big crush on someone, and it was a girl - call her Jasmine. We hung out a few times and got to know each other a bit. She made me feel things in my heart that I'd never felt for another person; it inspired me to be very creative artistically and do whatever I could to make her happy. She's the first person I really felt like kissing. But while she cherished our friendship, when I opened up to her about my feelings, she didn't seem to be interested in taking the relationship further and just wanted to stay friends. We're still friends to this day.

I've always been aware that I'm attracted to guys sexually, and not nearly as much to girls. But when I think about having a relationship with someone, I think about a woman. I've always dreamt about eventually raising a family with a woman I love, not a man. I think women are really amazing, especially the intelligent, witty, gorgeous ones. I'm definitely in love with Clementine's character in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. That movie makes me cry, because it makes me long for what Joel had with Clementine.

In January I started going on dating sites like LavaLife and OkCupid to see if I could find someone. I went on dates with four different women. A couple of them didn't turn out to be quite my type, but one in particular was really cool, like-minded, and cute, and she even lives in my neighbourhood. It seemed like it was meant to be. After a few dates, it came to a point where I had to either kiss her or say I wanted to just stay friends. I liked her as a friend, but I still didn't feel anything in my heart (or my groin) for her, but I took a leap and kissed her anyway, mostly because I felt bad about disappointing her (probably a bad reason). It was all right, but it didn't cause me to feel anything more for her at all. I was really disappointed that I couldn't feel something for her. So later on we talked and she was okay with just being friends. So I've taken a break from online dating, because it seems like it'll just continue to show me how hard it is for me to be sexually attracted to women.

When I think of having sex with a woman that I'm not in love with or don't know very well, no matter how hot she is, it doesn't really arouse me, and actually kind of scares me. No other guys I've talked to seem to understand why I'd feel that way (I guess they're all straight). When I think of having sex with a woman I have feelings for (Jasmine, for example), I can sort of picture it being fun, but I still don't find it that arousing.

But here are my gripes with being gay. One is that I've never had a crush on a man before, i.e., I've never had feelings for a man like those I had for Jasmine. Maybe I've just naturally avoided considering having a relationship with a guy? I don't know. Why do I only have crushes on girls, but only want to have sex with guys? Secondly, the thought of kissing a guy seems weird to me. Having sex, sure, but kissing is weird. Third, I really want a family someday, and I think being gay would just make that all the more complicated/controversial. And fourth, where's the logic? Perhaps I reason things too much, but evolution did endow me with the physical ability to impregnate a woman for a reason, right? What's the evolutionary reasoning for my wanting to use it on a man's butt instead? (Which, by the way, I find gross yet arousing..) It really baffles me.

My smaller gripes are just my repulsion towards the gay scene. Sex seems to dominate it. Why is that? I find that aspect of gay culture kind of cheapening. How come the vast majority of naked user profile pictures on tribe.net are of gay men? Also, very outwardly gay men irritate me a bit, with the lisping and overly feminine way of carrying themselves. I'm not sure I want to be associated with all that...

I know I've just written a novel, but I'd like to hear other people's points of view on my predicament, or if there's anyone out there who's felt similarly.

Thanks for reading...

 

Hi Jetcompy,
My expirience is alot different,.but I did relate to alot of what you said.I'm much older,.gonna be 40 this year.I never fit into the standard general way boys were raised then.I felt more comfortablle most times with pretty things,girly stuff I had to be very secretive about this,as I found out by several ass-kickings.I started expirimenting with boys before I reached puberty.My second time I totally fell for the guy,.but he made it clear he wanted nothing to do with me(The sex freaked him),and we stopped being friends.My first expirience with a girl was after that,..I really did'nt want a girlfriend or sex really(I wanted to wait for someone special),.but I gave in to peer pressure and ended up with my first girlfriend.That did'nt work out and ended up to be a mess.Alot of this time I just wanted that friend and being with him again.I came from a very religous home and a completely homophobic neighboorhood,.I did'nt know what was happening,..so I tried to forget about it.Over the years I dated a number of girls/women but things never worked out,.very upsetting.I had sex with men from time to time.I never really thought about it at all,..it seemed so natural to me.I could never see myself in a relationship with a guy but somehow sex was fine,except lol,..I started to get phobic myself as I got older,..I made it a piont to leave without a trace after the quick sex,..sometimes feeling horribly guilty.There were so many expectations for a guy like me with societies standards and all.I always wanted a serious,passionate relationship with a woman and kids...(so I thought),but my relationships were always bad.It was clear something else was going on with me.I know that feeling you're talking about,..with Jasmin,..I have expirienced that with both sexes,(Briefly)..and it is wonderful.Unfortunately at that time for me I was going through alot being too homophobic for a relationship with a guy,.and my relationships with women have All been a horrible emotionally crippiling expirience.So what was I going to do??I was confused and scared,.I'm only attracted to women if I feel a very strong connection,like you I could see a hot girl and not be attracted to her at all,cause she's a complete stranger,.and I understand a pretty face does not = a pretty heart.I get scared too,.I feel I could never be what they'd want me to be and live up to all the expectations,..so I cringe (literally),..The women I get to know,like a friend of a friend I don't feel that way(unless she's really a bitch or golddigger or something),..but I normally find things I like.It's much more natural for me though to make connections to men,..I've always had lots of friends,and it's been much more fullfilling than relationships with women,..and I'm talking almost entirely about non-sexual friendships.I love women's bodies but cannot relate to a relationship,at least not the standard white pickett fence,..married with three kids stuff.A relationship of any type needs passion or it's not worth the time,..That's how I feel(Yeah I'm looking for that feeling you described with Jasmine).....I don't think a woman's in my future,.Actuallly I keep uncovering more and more my,.attraction to men,and how happy being with a man makes me,..even my totally straight best friend, hanging out,..His company makes me feel happy and warm....etc..I've avoided many relationships with girls/women my whole life,some were very beautiful too,I dunno I just did'nt want to try to force myself into feeling things I did'nt.Many times also I was really afraid and insecure,..So I did'nt bother.I felt I was destined to be alone even liked it that way(No-one to bitch at you),..But I was always plagued with fantasies and anything related to men.Which I did'nt know(Am I gay???What's wrong with me???etc.etc.)....I guess I still wanted to live up to the social norm,,I did'nt want to give that up.Also I was afraid I'd get so much crap for being gay,..etc I found I have a heart and soul and to treat others like you want to be treated,and I Don't like the cruelty and ignorance of this world.
It's intresting you're weighing out being gay vrs. straight by gripes about being gay.I understand,...My expirience is that making a pros and cons list just does work.If you're attracted to men(Sexually or otherwise)then thats just the way it is!LOL,..Get used to it,.It's not gonna go away.Picking and choosing is not an option cause it does'nt work that way.Try to get comfortable in your own skin,..whatever your orientation may be.Leaving those questions alone for awhile and being open to yourself.Not trying to force anything or *choose anything.It's a journey of self discovery.What helped me (And still does)Is to take fear outta the picture,...and just deal with how I feel,..what makes me happy,..and what is natural.The answers will come in time.Try to lighten up,..My confusion about my orientation Always felt like the only issue that really mattered at all,....(That got very draining),..I started to lighten up,and I feel 100 X better,and I did'nt have to know exactly everything all at once etc,....There is no rush or emergency,...
I do know what you're saying about the gay community(Although I think it's good),..Sex can sometimes *seem to be a dominant thing.Speaking for myself though,..I Love to cut loose and have a good time and be open with the fact that I'm gay.I spent so many years,surpressing it and trying to be someone I'm not,...Its wonderful just to be me.I was watching clips from the Gay Pride Parade in NYC from last year,..and was thinking Wow they're just letting it all hang out!!LOL, and having an excellent time,...I did'nt think it was as cheapening as I did silly.I'm gonna try to make the next one, This year LOL.I would try to take it easy,definetely...Be Yourself,Be Happy,Be Natural and Free,...Let Life Happen !
Sorry this post is long as hell,.but I wanted to write a little about myself in hopes you could relate,..

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans"-John Lennon
Good Luck,..
These forums are a good place to be,
PM me if you want to talk
Hang in there, it gets better
Life is Good

 

Thanks for your insight Joey.. it's really encouraging. I'll hang in there.. just scares me to think of people's reactions when I tell them. I suppose that's how it is for everyone, though.

 

Yea, J.C. thanks,..
It all is very frightening,
More frightening has it been coming to terms with myself though,really.
We all go through it,... Everyone has an opionion,..Don't sweat it.You're opinion is the one that counts most.
It's hard to see the good that can be.
We only know what tommorow brings tommorow,..and it maybe wonderful,..So
keep in good spirits,...take the time you need...
Don't worry be Happy !,...It will be ok,..

 

Well, many of the problems that you seem to be facing are problems that I had when I was really young and in denial about my sexuality (1. The ability to fall in love with girls even though I'm not attracted to them 2. Worrying about having a family in the future if I'm with a man 3. Finding gay sex gross.)

I'm not saying you're in denial... It just seems that I went through many of those emotions until I finally admitted to myself that I was gay. I know coming out is not an easy step..especially to ones self, but I think you really need to think about the feelings you have. Gay or straight, or bi for that matter, I think there is some sorting out that needs to be done.

 

Thanks mushie18.. I had no idea that it was so common for gay men to fall in love with girls. That makes me feel a lot more at ease with myself. I still don't understand it, but now at least I don't feel like I have to make sense of it, or treat it as an excuse for denying my gay tendencies.

So, I've been thinking about this whole being gay thing way more than usual over the past week, and a couple days ago I began to feel pretty sure I was going to tell someone about it in the near future, but I wanted to hear these replies first. Then yesterday the thought of telling the people I was close to just became incredibly exciting and took over my mind. I had this nervous energy in my gut that just wouldn't go away, and I kept finding myself grinning to myself whenever i thought about it. So that evening I ended up telling my sister and her husband, whom i live with and am very close with. And man, that was fun! The three of us had a really great, long talk about it. It made my sister really happy to hear it, because she was getting so worried about my frustrations with meeting someone... now she feels like she's finally gotten past the barriers to me she'd been sensing all these years, and I feel so great about not having to worry about putting up those barriers anymore. In fact, I'm still now relishing how great this feels... so many doors are opening for me. I had no clue it would feel so good to come out. People should know about that! I had been dreading this for so many years, when I never should have.

Thanks for all your comments, they have been very helpful!

*long seep sigh of relief*

 

I dont really understand those of you who are bi. Makes no sense to me.

 

well homosexuality doesn't make sense to many people either.

 

yes thankyou Mushie what MatthewShane said is completely unhelpful and if said about gay people would sound prejudice
S

 

You are being juvenile. I dont understand it! I have never been faced with feeling that way toward both genders. Saying that is not prejudice. Its a fact. And if someone said it of homosexuality. I would think they had the right to say it. It doesnt make sense to them. And it shouldn't if they are straight! Don't be ridiculous with assumptions of my intent on such a sketchy topic anyhow. If I was being prejudiced I would have said something much more blunt and direct in the way of that.

 

Thank you for those posts. They have helped me sort a few things out in my head as well as the one above. I have already told my three closest friends and my mom that I'm gay, and I am planning to tell more in July (I"m going on a trip with the people I will come out to--don't want the hotel situation to be awkward for them). I have noticed that "teeth grinning" that jetcompy talked about, and coming out has relieved a lot of stress, but I needed more confidence to come out to some of the other people--the ones I have come out to, I was pretty much certain they would take it well--now it's the hard ones to tell...

 

Yeah, I think it's okay for you to wonder, Matthew. I totally wonder myself how it's possible to be attracted to women, sexually, what all I find myself drawn to are men.

I have had strong feelings for a woman, but she's just an amazing soul and it turns out pretty much everyone I know (of both sexes) have fallen in love with her to varying degrees. I just took it as "confirmation" that I was straight, which at the time seemed like a good thing to me, and i blew it up in my mind to think I was really in love.

But I've never been sexually attracted to her or to any other woman, and the thought of it perplexes me.. I guess that's just the way it goes.

 

being one sexuality doesn't mean that one can't understand another sexuality and people should make an attempt to understand people and life style chooses that are different to them, its very easy to say 'I don't understand therefore it is wrong'
I understand that you are not actually saying that, but not understanding something is a step in that direction
S

 

I will kindly disagree to save further argument.

 

And you make no sense to me...........