Concerned third party?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by jonavaark, May 17, 2013.

  1. jonavaark

    jonavaark Guest

    Hey guys, I just want to throw something out there that has involved me indirectly and wonder what your thoughts are on the matter… (I’ve made my own quite clear to the person this is about).

    I work with this young girl (her and her boyfriend are in their 20s), who I have developed a close friendship with (my husband and I occasionally go out to dinner with her and her boyfriend), and the thing here is that I’ve somehow become something of a confidante to her recently and I’ve realised that even though I know her and her boyfriend, I’m don’t know them that well and it can be difficult to give someone advice like that sometimes. Which is why I’m posting this here to see some other opinions on the matter as well.

    I’ve worked with this girl for almost 3 years now, (she’s been with her boyfriend for just over 2), they have lived together for about a year and a half, are pretty happy and I know that they love each other. However they are both in their first “proper” relationship and I think that they are suffering from their own insecurities and self-confidence/self-esteem issues which I think may be very, very slightly starting to affect the relationship and I feel like there are very subtle games being played.

    In the last, maybe 2 or so months, I’ve noticed some strange behaviour patterns from her. She is a reserved, quiet girl normally, just is still pretty playful and witty and ready to talk when provoked. Lately she seems a bit too drawn into herself and only very recently (like last week), I had a phone call from her when she was at uni saying she really ‘needed to talk to someone about her absolute ridiculousness’ and I had her come to my house and spent a good number of hours talking and listening to this.

    Essentially, what is going on is that she’s not someone who is too fond of, or trusting of people. She has very few real friends and is quite lonely (which says enough when I’m the one comforting her). Her boyfriend is quite opposite to this and this can lead to many disagreements. I’ve met him numerous times and I’ve noticed odd behaviour in him which I will point out in a moment, but he also appeared (to me) a bit too sensitive/touchy at times and can take something the wrong way easily.

    From what I’m told, he has insecurities/self-confidence/esteem issues with women and more plainly, that he hasn’t “experienced” enough. I recall her saying that he discovered she’d slept with more people than him and he had a bit of a tantrum over it. From what I’m told of him and his group of male friends, both of us (the girl and me) have agreed that they’re a bunch of what they call “beta’s”(?) and they seem to need to overcompensate somehow for it.

    She feels like she’s the only mature one in the relationship at times from the way he carries on with his friends (always ‘that hot chick’ ‘I’d fuck her’ ‘damn babe’) etc, has observed him perving (or blatantly drooling, if I say so myself!) on pretty much every single female he sees, including her sister, cousin, mother, aunts, friends, me and strangers everywhere be it the street, the internet, whatever. Which personally I think is a complete lack of respect and actually horrifying! It’s fine to perve, but drooling over every single person you meet (and really now, family!?) is in very poor taste.

    She’s admitted to me a few things, one is that he knew this girl that he spoke to on Skype who lived in another country and never met, who he had been cybering with (she said he left a Facebook conversation open while he went off to shower once after they had recently moved in, and she had been out most of the day, and she noticed a very blatant sexual convo that had obviously trailed off to the webcam), which she never mentioned to him–despite feeling cheated. Another is that, more recently–from being on the pill, her sex drive has decreased a fair bit, but she said to me that the thing that has killed it the most is the fact that she doesn’t even want to have sex with him because she doesn’t feel like he’s even with her mostly.

    The thing that had caused her to snap and come and see me though is that (she says they’re both jealous people), but she barely even likes people enough to give him a reason to be jealous of anyone she knows, however she says that she seems to feels it all the time as of late, because she can’t ignore the fact that he flirts with other girls online (Facebook, the cause of everyone’s issues), or at uni, or even with his friends.

    She has told me that the times she has brought it up he has become defensive (over the girls), and yet denying anything, that she is over-reacting because everyone knows that she is his girlfriend, etc, and yet he continues to do it, he has said things to her as ‘fine, I’ll delete that girl’ and she hates hearing that because, well, who really wants to control their partner? But from what she tells me, it sounds like he says it in a way that he knows she’ll protest. She knows he probably won’t cheat on her, but he will definitely tow the line…She has caught him looking at other girls Facebook photos just before they’ve had sex, and that now she doesn’t even feel attractive because she feels dirty that when he looks at her with an erection, it’s from thinking of others.

    Now it’s gone to the point that she caught him lying to her over a silly conversation, where he laughed and she asked what was funny, and he stammered for a moment before saying something like ‘oh um-this guy from uni said such-and-such’ and 5 minutes later when she stood to walk past she caught sight of a very female name.

    I honestly feel drained for her, because she still feels like it’s her that’s being pathetic and silly for him to start lying to her over silly convos. But I really don’t think it’s true.

    I actually feel like he has a lot of growing up to do, and that, consciously or not, he’s playing games because he knows he can, and he’s too comfortable with her. Yes I believe they do love each other, but love isn’t enough when there isn’t enough respect and boundaries. She has half a mind to tell him to go away and get it out of his system, but not expect to come back to her after, and I agree.

    I just find it hard to even think that a guy who isn’t still a young teen would be capable of this, I’ve been cheated on before, but they’ve still been mature and respectful of me. Not so completely desperate and starved for female attention that they can’t focus on much else half the time. :/

    I wanted to write this without getting myself emotionally involved in it, but it’s way too late for that now. So I apologise if this seems jumbled! Feel free to let me know what you think though!
  2. Alternative_Thinker

    Alternative_Thinker Darth Mysterious

    I personally think they just are NOT compatible with each other. I also think it's not fair to the couple that you're being biased about this and only taking the girl's side. Another one, the following statement from you bothers me a little bit:

    I perceive this as a blatant display of ageism, and I think it's totally uncalled for. Age and loyalty have nothing to do with each other. But I digress, pardon moi...

    So, this fellow drools over ALL women. He isn't being selective about it. Am I getting the situation correctly? Umm, what's wrong with that? In my opinion, he's just being a red-blooded dude. He's seeking excitement elsewhere because he can NOT get it from his girlfriend. Like I said, they are NOT compatible with each other. After a couple years of dating her, he probably decided she wasn't the one after all. I've been there myself even though I didn't deal with that realization the same way he has.

    They say it takes two to tango, and they also say there's three sides to every story. In this case, hers, his, and the actual truth. You're only buying HER side, and that isn't the smartest thing to do in my opinion. You should remain neutral when it comes to something like this. You said it yourself; you don't know them THAT well.

    Suggest to them that there's a possibility of their not being compatible with each other, but refrain from actually interfering with their making decisions on their own. If their relationship works out, it works out. If it doesn't, then it doesn't. No one besides the couple themselves really has control over it.
  3. jonavaark

    jonavaark Guest

    Maybe it is ageism, I don’t know. But I do know that I’ve met men in their late 30s that still have this attitude and never progress anywhere in a relationship because they don’t seem to have matured in that sense. But that’s just my opinion

    I think you have misunderstood me and my whole post in general. I don’t actually think I’m being too biased at all because, as I said, she came to me and told me what’s been bothering her. I’ve posted this from her perspective, more or less. No, I never claimed to know the full story, or his angle of it; and I’m not about to. Maybe they’re not compatible, although they do seem to be, this might be something that she will find that she cannot deal with in the long run.

    Again, as I said, everyone enjoys a look at others. I think it’s unfair to just say that he’s just being a red-blooded male because there are lines where these things are concerned. And to do so very blatantly is unnerving. He’s done it to me as well, and to stare so much and smile and practically ignore his girlfriend is not ok.

    I’m not getting involved at all, I’ve given her my thoughts on it, the rest is up to them. I just thought I’d get some opinions here on the matter as well. This is from how and what she told me, as are everyone else’s posts on here. Most of them don’t have the other half of the whole story either. :/
  4. monkjr

    monkjr Senior Member

    Crap, only a 3 year relationship and they're already living together?

    I agree that they don't seem to be compatible, and I think both parties are suffering from moving on because they are in a comfortable position that is predictable and safe, but it seems that from a instincts perspective they both want to move on.

    I'd get my stuff outta there (to protect it from rage outbursts and just leave the relationship in stated verbally in clear cut terms).
  5. Alternative_Thinker

    Alternative_Thinker Darth Mysterious

    Oh, OK. You've implied that you're emotionally involved in this matter, so I may have assumed certain other possibilities, too. I know better than to jump to conclusions, but I guess I'm only human. My bad. :p

    The whole thing still doesn't sound like they are compatible with each other, though. As for his ogling women, one can do so blatantly and still not come across as offensive. This kind of thing is all about trust really. And I DO recall you mentioning her having trust issues. If he does so in a creepy manner, however, then she should definitely express her concerns to him straight up.

    I'm actually more concerned about his interest in other women via other means, such as cyber sex or cam sex. If he's doing that, then he's either unsatisfied with his girlfriend, or he's a player. Either way, I'm a little surprised she never saw this coming if they have been together for over two years. Two years isn't that long, but it can be long enough for one to learn of at least some important characteristics about one's romantic partner. Perhaps her naturally being a lonely person could be contributing to their problems in a way that is making her somewhat blind to what's really going on? I'm just guessing.

    Another thing, if he feels like he's not as experienced in the romance department, then that might also be contributing to the way he's been acting. Again, if that were the case then the girl's only been judging things based on what is apparent on the surface. She might need to dig deeper to get to the heart of the matter.

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