Hello everyone. This will be a bit lengthy, but hopefully interesting and helpful. I'm an Italian 25-year-old male and have a pretty complicated personality and sexuality. Lost my dad short after I was born, so I was raised by my mum, who has a strong and quite masculine personality. Also she's a taylor, so I've been used to seen women in their underwear since I was a child, then the female body has never been much of a secret for me. On the other hand, I almost never saw a naked man, and that may be one of the reasons I started feeling a curiosity about penis in my late childhood. I remember being slightly aroused at the age of 10 by a friend of mine always talking about his penis. Also I've never done team sports, so I didn't have the usual kind of locker room-confrontation. What's more, I was in a high school and in a university with a 95% of girls and 5% of boys. Then most of my friends were girls (I was friends with many boys in my school, but remember the ratio 95/5) and that kinda made me exclude them from sex. Nevertheless, I've been in love with a girl for most of my teenage years. It wasn't very physical (it started when I was very young, say 12), but I had this powerful connection with her, I wanted to kiss her and I felt she was my other half. Then we drifted apart and kinda lost touch, although I've kept on feeling something special for her. I went to her wedding last year, and I had the most bittersweet feelings - happy because she was happy but also sad knowing she was going to slip away for good. Now to the sexual side: at the age of 14 I had my first internet connection at home. I needed to soothe this big curiousity for penis, so I started surfing the internet for gay porn sites. Something started to happen and I've realized just recently what was it: I uncosciously shaped my sexuality into a virtual sexuality. All I did was look at gay porn sites and wank. I tried looking at straight porn sites, but I thought that was "offensive" for women (probably related to the "holy"/"untouchable" status that my mum has in my subconscious). On the other hand I was perfectly ok with men being submitted, etc. I often abused of porn sites, sometimes looking at videos/pictures for hours. At a point I lost my interest in the penis itself and realised I liked men with very masculine features (beard, hairy body, shaved head, etc.). The men that made me turn my head in real life were basically the one more similar to the porn actors I saw on the internet. In spite of this, I never fell in love with a man and never had a crush on any of my male friends. My romantic side was all focused on that girl, but at the same time I didn't feel the need of having a partner. Porn started to bore me, so at the age of 19 I made the next step: gay dating sites. I didn't really want to meet anyone, I just wanted to get appreciation for my pictures and maybe look at some hot guy via webcam. This game went on for a while, and my sexuality was about to explode. 20, still a virgin and in a huge need for sex. On a dating site I started chatting with a man with whom I've had a huge connection. I didn't really care about the looks, he's masculine but certainly not the kind I was admiring in porn videos. After a while I decided to meet him, I fell in love with this person and we had amazing sex. I wanted to try most things (nothing kinky, though) and I did. I didn't feel the need to watch porn anymore and at the same time my interest in girls was reviving. Then I moved abroad for study reasons and managed to see him only every 6 weeks. The lack of sex made me start to surf porn sites again and everything was back to the previous status. When I moved back home, the thing had cooled off. Sex wasn't as great as before and when I slept at his place I often woke up asking myself: "what the hell am I doing in bed with another man?". He's a wonderful person who's given me a lot, but somehow I started feeling incomplete. I'm still with him because he's such a great person, and although I'm not crazy about the sexual side anymore, I'm not ready to let him go. He noticed that I was getting colder and more detached and that there was something wrong with me, he said "I guess you don't know what you want in life". That was true, it happened a couple of months ago and I started wondering what I really want. I understood that the thing I want most for my future is kids (I feel a strong paternal instinct and I love caring about younger people) and stability, I'm a faithful and quiet person, not really made for adventures and such. I asked myself: do you want to share your life, a house and a family with another man? The answer is no. I feel I'm not made to do that. Although my sexual attraction is stronger for men than for women, I wouldn't feel comfortable having a man as a life partner. At the same time I realized that I was abusing of web porn, so I decided to cut it off completely, since I proved not to be able to use it in a healthy and limited way. That was a month ago and it's brought only benefits, I feel I am starting to be more conscious about my own sexuality. Also, this constant visual turn-on gave me huge expectations about man-to-man sex, but then I realized I can't really stand receiving anal sex (don't like the feeling and the bottom role) and that giving oral sex doesn't arouse me at all. I like receiving oral sex (who doesn't) and I like giving anal, although I don't feel 100% satisfied when I do it. The thing is I probably created a gap between what I like in my mind and what I like with my body. I'm starting to think that I like looking at men way more than I like having sex with them: I love guys with a beard but the feeling of a beard against my skin is kinda annoying, same for his strong touch and the feeling of his dick pushing against me when we sleep. I like his smell but I didn't like the smell of his dick when I blew him. Recently I've started wondering how it would be to have sex with a girl and how it would feel to put my dick inside something softer and moist. The thing I like most in sex is the skin contact, and as much as I like watching a hairy male body, I think I would love the feeling of a girl's smooth body sleeping next to me. Still it's hard to talk about this. You think gay people may be more understanding, but they react immediately with "there's not such thing as bi, it's just that you're not brave enough to choose". I tried to tell to myself "I am gay", but I've never felt comfortable with it and I've never felt ready to completely erase girls sexually and romantically from my life. Reading experiences of bisexual people makes me think "that's what I am" and I feel perfectly comfortable with the concept of a fluid sexuality. I've had sex only with him in my life, I would like to try something else but I could never cheat on him and I'm also a bit afraid of what new things I could discover about me. What I'm pretty sure of (and a bit sad about) is that if I decided to share my life with either a man or a woman, I would probably miss something about the other sex.