Coming to terms with myself

Discussion in 'Bisexual' started by Gallagher29, Aug 20, 2013.

  1. Gallagher29

    Gallagher29 Member

    Hello everyone. This will be a bit lengthy, but hopefully interesting and helpful.

    I'm an Italian 25-year-old male and have a pretty complicated personality and sexuality.

    Lost my dad short after I was born, so I was raised by my mum, who has a strong and quite masculine personality. Also she's a taylor, so I've been used to seen women in their underwear since I was a child, then the female body has never been much of a secret for me. On the other hand, I almost never saw a naked man, and that may be one of the reasons I started feeling a curiosity about penis in my late childhood. I remember being slightly aroused at the age of 10 by a friend of mine always talking about his penis. Also I've never done team sports, so I didn't have the usual kind of locker room-confrontation.
    What's more, I was in a high school and in a university with a 95% of girls and 5% of boys. Then most of my friends were girls (I was friends with many boys in my school, but remember the ratio 95/5) and that kinda made me exclude them from sex.
    Nevertheless, I've been in love with a girl for most of my teenage years. It wasn't very physical (it started when I was very young, say 12), but I had this powerful connection with her, I wanted to kiss her and I felt she was my other half. Then we drifted apart and kinda lost touch, although I've kept on feeling something special for her. I went to her wedding last year, and I had the most bittersweet feelings - happy because she was happy but also sad knowing she was going to slip away for good.

    Now to the sexual side: at the age of 14 I had my first internet connection at home. I needed to soothe this big curiousity for penis, so I started surfing the internet for gay porn sites. Something started to happen and I've realized just recently what was it: I uncosciously shaped my sexuality into a virtual sexuality. All I did was look at gay porn sites and wank. I tried looking at straight porn sites, but I thought that was "offensive" for women (probably related to the "holy"/"untouchable" status that my mum has in my subconscious). On the other hand I was perfectly ok with men being submitted, etc. I often abused of porn sites, sometimes looking at videos/pictures for hours. At a point I lost my interest in the penis itself and realised I liked men with very masculine features (beard, hairy body, shaved head, etc.). The men that made me turn my head in real life were basically the one more similar to the porn actors I saw on the internet.

    In spite of this, I never fell in love with a man and never had a crush on any of my male friends. My romantic side was all focused on that girl, but at the same time I didn't feel the need of having a partner.
    Porn started to bore me, so at the age of 19 I made the next step: gay dating sites. I didn't really want to meet anyone, I just wanted to get appreciation for my pictures and maybe look at some hot guy via webcam. This game went on for a while, and my sexuality was about to explode. 20, still a virgin and in a huge need for sex. On a dating site I started chatting with a man with whom I've had a huge connection. I didn't really care about the looks, he's masculine but certainly not the kind I was admiring in porn videos. After a while I decided to meet him, I fell in love with this person and we had amazing sex. I wanted to try most things (nothing kinky, though) and I did. I didn't feel the need to watch porn anymore and at the same time my interest in girls was reviving. Then I moved abroad for study reasons and managed to see him only every 6 weeks. The lack of sex made me start to surf porn sites again and everything was back to the previous status. When I moved back home, the thing had cooled off. Sex wasn't as great as before and when I slept at his place I often woke up asking myself: "what the hell am I doing in bed with another man?". He's a wonderful person who's given me a lot, but somehow I started feeling incomplete. I'm still with him because he's such a great person, and although I'm not crazy about the sexual side anymore, I'm not ready to let him go. He noticed that I was getting colder and more detached and that there was something wrong with me, he said "I guess you don't know what you want in life". That was true, it happened a couple of months ago and I started wondering what I really want. I understood that the thing I want most for my future is kids (I feel a strong paternal instinct and I love caring about younger people) and stability, I'm a faithful and quiet person, not really made for adventures and such. I asked myself: do you want to share your life, a house and a family with another man? The answer is no. I feel I'm not made to do that. Although my sexual attraction is stronger for men than for women, I wouldn't feel comfortable having a man as a life partner.
    At the same time I realized that I was abusing of web porn, so I decided to cut it off completely, since I proved not to be able to use it in a healthy and limited way. That was a month ago and it's brought only benefits, I feel I am starting to be more conscious about my own sexuality.
    Also, this constant visual turn-on gave me huge expectations about man-to-man sex, but then I realized I can't really stand receiving anal sex (don't like the feeling and the bottom role) and that giving oral sex doesn't arouse me at all. I like receiving oral sex (who doesn't) and I like giving anal, although I don't feel 100% satisfied when I do it. The thing is I probably created a gap between what I like in my mind and what I like with my body. I'm starting to think that I like looking at men way more than I like having sex with them: I love guys with a beard but the feeling of a beard against my skin is kinda annoying, same for his strong touch and the feeling of his dick pushing against me when we sleep. I like his smell but I didn't like the smell of his dick when I blew him.

    Recently I've started wondering how it would be to have sex with a girl and how it would feel to put my dick inside something softer and moist. The thing I like most in sex is the skin contact, and as much as I like watching a hairy male body, I think I would love the feeling of a girl's smooth body sleeping next to me.

    Still it's hard to talk about this. You think gay people may be more understanding, but they react immediately with "there's not such thing as bi, it's just that you're not brave enough to choose". I tried to tell to myself "I am gay", but I've never felt comfortable with it and I've never felt ready to completely erase girls sexually and romantically from my life. Reading experiences of bisexual people makes me think "that's what I am" and I feel perfectly comfortable with the concept of a fluid sexuality. I've had sex only with him in my life, I would like to try something else but I could never cheat on him and I'm also a bit afraid of what new things I could discover about me.

    What I'm pretty sure of (and a bit sad about) is that if I decided to share my life with either a man or a woman, I would probably miss something about the other sex.
  2. KewlDewd66

    KewlDewd66 Member

    I believe that you should do three things for the starters.

    Do not worry about you identity. You may be gay, bi or pansexual. Be honest, do not hurt the others but live your life as you find appropriate. Do not make promises that you cannot hold but safeguard your own freedom to explore.

    Learn the art of admitting to the realities of the possible. Things will always be somewhat different in your mind's eye. A dude will have hair, you will enjoy it but it won't scratch you or bother you? Nope. You need cock in your life but you do not want it pressing against you in bed? Nope. One does not really go very much without the other. You love caring for the young but once they become your 24/7 duty and obligation your feelings will most likely change. Remember that all of our desires come at a price. Nothing is really out there for free.

    Choose to very consciously part with your fears. Yup. You will discover dark aspects of your own personality (and sexuality). You won't like them, but they will be always there. They, too, ARE who you are.

    Yup. You will always miss on something or on someone. No matter what you choose to do, there will be always something that you shall have forfeited for the benefit of something or someone else. There is really nothing you or anyone else can do about this.

    Grab the bull by the horns, and make the best out of it!

  3. Gallagher29

    Gallagher29 Member

    Thanks for the reply, KewlDewd66, it was much appreciated.

    Agree with all you say. Only, I'd never thought of wanting kids until I got a summer job working with teenagers. I was with them 24/7 for 2 months without a break and I found out that I just love looking after the younger, it's something that makes my life more meaningful.

    I'm not really sure I got what you meant with point two. You mean that I have to "live" the experiences because what's in my mind can be really different from reality?


    PS. My period abroad was in Vienna, btw!
  4. KewlDewd66

    KewlDewd66 Member

    Hey Gallagher,

    Under the TWO, I meant that life is actually very much about learning how to negotiate your way around. You like say, male form, enjoy sex with males, but do not like the smell of the cock or the fact that the hair rubs your skin... Agree that everything that you'll ever like will always have a drawback or two, and that you want to start learning how to accept those...Do not let the apparent dislikes and a functional drawbacks lead you into some sort of abstinence of life.

    I have seen this happen pretty often. People virtually stop their lives and continue to subsist because they have lost the capability to negotiate their ways around in life. Since the things are not absolutely perfect, and not the way they imagined them in the first place, they just give up on them. Learn to take the good with the bad, too:)

  5. Gallagher29

    Gallagher29 Member

    You're right. I'm just realizing that I have this tendency to live things inside my head (which is a bit like not living them) and I should learn to live them for real. Which is why I regret not having experienced more so far!
  6. livstud2001

    livstud2001 Guest

    Gallagher, I understand where you're coming from. As a Bisexual person in the San Francisco Bay Area, I had high expectations of acceptance of my identity. I've pretty much known I was bisexual for most of my life (from the crush on an older man I had at age 8 to my crush on a girl I knew in 4th grade), yet I choose to live a life in a heterosexual world. Unfortunately, there are very few gay folks accepting of a bisexual lifestyle, and even less heterosexual folks (including women) accepting of male bisexuals. My wife knows I 'experimented' with one of my male friends when I was younger (Quote from her: "Who doesn't?"), yet I have this 'other side' that I need to have fulfilled. I have no desire to live with a man in a relationship, nor do I desire that. I love my wife and family and only want to be in a relationship with her, but I find it completely natural to have my desires for women AND men...

    Sorry, venting, it's just so very frustrating to be discriminated against both sexes....
  7. Gallagher29

    Gallagher29 Member

    I agree with you, but I think the hardest process for me is understanding myself. The more I grow up, the more I realize I have a complex personality, at times a self-contradictory one. I want things that I can't have from men and things that I can't have from women.

  8. You are married with kids, when they were young you wouodnt have had time for anything, many straight friends, let alone 'all your gay friends' that oppress and judge you so much.

    What a load of crap.

    Then when they gert to their teens, more time on your hands to get out their and socialize, but that ten year gap in those skills, and then you dont know what to do.

    Your wife, kids, family, anyone connected to them has no idea, its only over the net you acn actually claimto be judged by all those gay guys.

    Cant really put too much effort in to getting into shape cos your wife will get neurotic and nag, its really her who determines who you can mix with

    You made your 'choice' a while ago when you got her pregnant and put that ring on her finger.

    And over the next decade it will be, oh its important to stay for the kids, even though it wont make any diifference whether or not you stay,more likely they will grow up independant if you are not there
  9. Gallagher29

    Gallagher29 Member

    You have a point, but on the other hand I've never heard one single person with kids regretting have kids. I've heard many regretting getting married, but no-one regretting kids... and I don't think they're all lying! :)
  10. I didnt say anything about regretting kids, ' staying together for the kids' is different
  11. Gallagher29

    Gallagher29 Member

    Well, in that case I couldn't agree more.

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