Come with me to my wonderland

Come with me to my wonderland
By Damaya (me)
​

I want to lie ontop on some colorless water and just float breathing in some rainfilled smell of air. Lie there and let the water drench me and soak up my hair. Float while my mind is at peace. Feeling the colorless water with my shrivlled up, whitened hand, feeling the oxygenated water beneath it. Floating amongst the waves with my moisened body. The waves flowing in a slow rate. Slowly floating in a rythmic gesture. My light, unclothed body leaping above the waves. My eyes closed, my lips wet. Lying down upon a blanket of mineralized water... I'm going to take you to my wonderland. We are in a colorful prismed orb. Were floating within the orb. Tasting the colors with our soft lips of wonder. Our fingers taking time to feel the inside of the chrome orb. Our eyes close only for an instant then they open. A warm sensation blankets our bodies. Wings take form onto our backs. We fly through the orb into the sunset painted sky. We fly through colors, the colors painting our very bodies. Were flying.... It all comes back through my mind like an enormous amount of flashbacks. I'm lieing on some colorless water. My body unclothed floating... drifting off into reality.

 

stereotypical. ur writing is too complicated for me.

 

how is it steriotypical? explain to me.

 

I really liked the 1st two lines. Very original, and very good imagery/feeling. After that the writing started progressively more "forced" the longer it went on. Almost like you were trying too hard to sound interesting. I hope that makes some sense, I think that could be a very good piece of writing!

 

too many adjectives...it feels so produced to me. like it reminds of alot of the other stories i've read. but dont listen to me. my highest regards for writing are the beatles lol.

 

i thought it was sexy

 

wow yay!

made me feel real happy

 

make it rhyme. rhyming with all those big adjectives = make me cream. lol. good shit.

 

btw dont be so hinged on what other say. cause as a writer u'll never survive that way.