Cheating Boyfriend

And I should add....I realize that every relationship is different. Many people won't have the communication that we have and that's fine. But...we've both been cheated on in the past. We know how it feels and it's crappy. It really is but you have to figure out a way to get past it and let it go. That's the truth because if you don't....it will be something that just eats at you forever. Look at it like a negative fog around you. You have to just stand up above the fog and say "I'm better than this. I don't need this shit in my life. I'm not going to worry about it and if this person cheats on me...I don't need him/her in my life either". Having been through it....that feeling and moment is what you're looking for. You have to let it go and just try to be happy again. That other shit is in the past. Leave it there.

 

It's easy for all of us to say that we would never be in a relationship with a person like the OP, because no one wants to be in relationship with someone like the OP. But, I think people like the OP don't become 'this' in a short amount of time. Because it's a slow process to becoming 'this', we don't spot 'this' right when we meet a person like the OP or before establishing a relationship with them. We, instead get to see the good in them first. Actually, I think that's the course of any relationship, to be honest... experiencing the good in someone first. I also think that experiencing the goodness in someone is what allows us to develop feelings and establish a relationship of some kind. And experiencing the bad in someone is what destroys or completely puts a halt in these feelings, and what makes relationships end or never start. In saying all that, I'm assuming the OP wasn't always like this. They weren't like this long enough to get the person that they're planning to invade their privacy on as a boyfriend. So, the boyfriend got to see the good in the OP first. Because why else would the boyfriend be the OP's boyfriend? I can't imagine it would be because the OP has issues with trust.

So, when I witness people react like you, with a dismissive and belittling attitude I'm just as dumbfounded as when I witness people who react like the OP, with a demented attitude (Sorry, OP). Because one is acting dismissive and belittling to someone they once saw the good in, and the other one is acting demented (Again, sorry)... when they weren't always like 'this'. Basically, they both were better than what they are now. You see how that is tragic?

I think having someone not trust us when we have not said or done anything to prove otherwise and having them invade our privacy is quite an injustice. But, I also think that if an injustice is done to us it doesn't give us the right to act badly, or do an injustice to that person that put us through an injustice. And when we do act just as bad, it only makes matters worse, because it makes an already tragic situation into a more tragic one.

Don't get me wrong. Yes, I would dump them. Yes, I would be angry and shocked. And yes, I do think that's going too far. But, yesterday I got a call from someone and when I answered it they were yelling at me, telling me that I was lying about being home all day in bed, sick. They wanted to know 'the truth'. I didn't mock them. I didn't make fun. I didn't say something sarcastic like "Okay, how about I go right now buy me some nanny cams and put them all around my apartment, then record myself being home all day. Would that make you feel better?" I didn't play games. I didn't even hang up on them and ignore them. They actually hung up on me and called me back like five minutes later. Yes, I was angry. And I did raise my voice. At one point I think I even turned it around on them because that is what happens when two people ague. But, I didn't make them feel like less of a person for having these thoughts and feelings, for acting the way they were acting. I'm sure them acting the way they were acting made them feel and think like less of a human already. Why add to it? The situation was already bad enough. Why say or do something to make it worse?

 

I didn't say anything belittling to her except for possibly that she sounded like a real catch. That was in response to her gross generalization that "We all know all men are polygamous, etc" and her saying that she knows it's wrong to spy on him but hey...it's the only way she can be calm. So I'll stand behind my statement.

But I do agree with your point about seeing the good in a relationship early-on. I read people pretty well but you could miss some red flags getting to know someone so I'll say that I wouldn't be in that kind of relationship once I realized the kind of relationship it was going to be....if I even entered into the relationship to begin with.

 

Well alas I agree with whats been said....If you don't have the trust you aint got nothing......You don't want to be in a relationship where you find yourself having doubts cos it makes for a long hard ride...and you deserve better than that...and if he isn't the cheating kind he deserves better as well...cos I once had a girlfriend who thought I was out on the pull...and she even sent her mum out to follow me....and all I was doing was sitting on a barstool listening to the jukebox...its how I liked to relax and unwind...I felt really hurt by her doubts in me...and after that things never felt the same...so be careful how you go bout checking up on him.....Good luck.

 

I can understand why you would feel uncomfortable with your boyfriend moving away for six months, I absolutely can. If I was in your position, it would be easy to worry that the distance could drive the two of you apart, or that he's going to "find someone better" or whatever.
At one point in my life, I would have been like, "Well, I have a right to see his texts, calls, etc because I'm his girlfriend"

If he can't be honest about the people he speaks to, maybe you shouldn't be with him. I would sit him down and say, "Honey, I'm sorry for putting you in a position where you feel like I don't have faith in you and us. The fact is, I love you with all of my heart, and we have something so great- I'm so scared that while you're gone, the dynamic between us might change or you might find other people who are more accessible to you than I am. I just want you to know it's not necessarily that I don't love you or have faith in us, it's not about you. It's about me being insecure and worried that someone else could take my place. Just know that I love you and this is going to be a huge challenge in our relationship, and I know we can learn from it."

You just can't go reading people's conversations without their permission. I know it feels like a "security" measure for your heart, but he also has his right to privacy. What if he's talking to his parents about family problems, or his friends are talking about their own personal lives with him, things only he is supposed to know? More than likely, all he's going to have are his friends, his mom, you, and work. Nothing exciting. View this move as a challenge for your relationship which the two of you can use as an opportunity to build your relationship and learn from.

The main thing is, if you truly feel like you can't trust this person or you're constantly paranoid, you ought to leave them and spend some time on your own, just to figure yourself out. We only get so much time on this earth, don't spend it paranoid about who's going to hurt you next. Just go out and be happy. Instead of spending all your time thinking about him, your relationship, being in your head, go out and DO things. Walk the dog, feed the fish, go biking, shop with friends, get your nails and hair done, I dunno what girls like to do..