Chasing The Elusive, Fleeting Mental State Called "happiness"

It's so easy for me to think of the idea of "happiness" as a destination... a place I want to get to, and, once there, that I never want to leave. I have to remind myself that happiness doesn't work that way. It's just an emotion, a state of mind. A temporary one at that. But I can't help it when all I've ever known is isolation and sadness. With just a few brief moments of happiness every so many years, all too short and taken away in the blink of an eye, serving only to let the pain and loneliness flood back into the gaps they left behind. Depression is my life. I have too few friends, that I never see. I struggle with social contact. I'm afraid to leave the cold yet comforting safety of these imprisoning walls I call my home. I feel that I wouldn't know what to do in any given situation that I'm unfamiliar with. I become anxious and give up before I've even started. I don't know how to escape from this vicious cycle that's dominated my life since childhood. I don't get along with others, I'm awkward and too desperate for validation and sympathy. I can't seem to "love myself" no matter hard how I try, despite how many people have told me I need to make that my priority. I feel so lost, so doomed to spend my life wandering alone and miserable forever. What can I do? What am I missing from myself to give me the strength to move past this persistent rut?

 

The point of life isn't to be happy, the point of life is to live.

Sounds like you need to get out of your comfort zone

 

Look into CBT, it's probably the best option for you. a face-to-face version that ensures that you have to leave the house, and has someone calling up to check where you are when you don't show would be best.

 

Get out of my comfort zone how, exactly?
And I've tried therapy for years. I honestly don't know how much it's helped.

 

I have no idea what this thread is about....

 

I now believe at least 2/3 of how people are made up is in the genome, most of the rest has to do with social development in those first 6 years of life.

That is, once you get to six years old, you are going to end up the way you are going to end up, and nothing or no one will ever change that.

Friends, Family, friends of friends, seen to many personality traits copied down to the kids. Two kids same age grow up in exactly the same environment, one ends up with the personality of the dad, the other the personality of the grandmother or uncle or whoever.

That elusive secret is that there is no secret, some people are just going to always be miserable, no matter what

 

well that's the thing. its a process and the byproduct of a process. i definately isn't found by looking for it to be a place. although i suppose there is a state of mind. basically every form of epicness is a distraction, decoy and detour. moments of elation are fine, but they're brief, and would kill you if they came along often enough. the key is things you enjoy doing that are mostly harmless to yourself and others. things which can both challange and gratify the mind. cleche's are pretty obviously dead ends, however much however many never seem to figure that one out. its personal and different for each of us, but as just a general hint, the kind of gratification that is sustaining and sustainable, tends, to consist of large elements of either creating, exploring, or some combination of both.

 

I disagree. The point of life is to be happy.

To feel free and unjudged, to freely express your opinion or belief and except the opinions of other; after all we are all striving for the same outcome; to wake in the morning, take a deep breath, look out into the world and just be.

Jumping out of a plane won't make a depressed person happy. He has to feel it to be it.

Just because you jump out of your comfort zone does not necessarily make you happy. It may cause a misinterpretation of happiness. Maybe for a moment he will be exhilarated, but after a few days the oppressive life is still there.

 

Well Aristotle did say....

"Give me a child until he is 7, and I will show you the man"
Although I think some personality traits are ingrained quite early, I also believe people can make changes to the way they think and move on from things.

Quest, you seem like a nice person and I hope you find happiness.

 

Happiness can be achieved and maintained but you need to find it; disregard what you think you know about yourself and truly take the time to find yourself.

Remove yourself from the daily consumption of lifes' hypocrisy. In some way to find happiness you need to fear it as well; to which I mean happiness is not your normal life at the moment, you live in fear of not having the desire to follow through on you journey to a satisfyingly still state of mind..

 

I have to add I think Meliai actually hits it right on the head. In essence there is no other point of life than to live it. Of course feeling satisfied about your life and how you live it makes it better, more enjoyable which is not a worthless thing naturally. Although there are some commonly accepted things that improve life in general they are not the point of life in the absolute sense. There is no absolute point or purpose other than to live life. There are of course subjective stances on what is the point of life. If that is what makes life worth living than that is not worthless at all either. In fact, everybody should find out what it is for themselves, since there is no absolute point of life (other than simply living it and I guess make sure it continues in the form of procreation )

 

From the sounds of it, you have deeply ingrained mental health issues. You probably shouldn't take anything anyone here says to seriously, as you don't know if they have experience with your mental health issues, if they are a troll, or if they even subscribe to a form of thinking that relies on axiom and deduction.

That said - I am not a doctor. I suffer from social isolation as well, though I am lucky enough to have one and only intimate relationship in my life. I don't speak with my family, I don't speak with just about anyone else, short of conducting errands and the like. I am adding a second relationship this weekend because I am starting therapy.

I don't claim to be clinically depressed, but I have been diagnosed with PTSD, and generalized anxiety disorder. I experience depression when my PTSD and anxiety is particularly bad, and sometimes become suicidal. I left grad school about a year ago and a pretty intense road to becoming a mathematician, because my mental health problems made my work volume too small. Leaving grad school part way through, even for health problems is frowned up, and it's unlikely I will ever be able to return, as it's unlikely anyone will want to spend grant money on me. That has been devastating, but again, I don't think it is clinical depression. My PTSD and anxiety are definitely caused by violence witnessed and experience, persistentally from childhood to adulthood. I was abused as a child, become a street youth, a homeless run away drug addict, where violence carried on. I've sold my body for warmth, had a friend who was murdered by having her face caved in by a brick over $20 of crack. I have slept under the bathurst bridge in downtown toronto, and had my sleeping equipment stolen at knife point. I have lived in social housing that was burnt down by the police in a political vendetta. I have had pick up a sledge hammer to defend myself against a landlord's goon.

The reason I am sharing these things with you, is that in many cases, people that have had healthy lives, have healthy mental health (and conversely). So I am going to propose, that barring some sort of genetic abnormality, your poor mental health is a result of trauma. Then, the way to happiness, if that is what you want (it is what I also want - don't worry about hoople heads on this website telling you that it's not the point of life), depends on the trauma. If you have the money - or health insurance - or there's free therapy in your community, talk to a therapist. If you don't have the money, I think it depends on where you live. I live in quebec. My experience when I broke down during grad school, was that I went to the hospital to secure documentation to take a leave of absence. I was not offered documentation, only a diagnosis, and a referral to the school shrink, who wrote out a prescription for anxiety pills, which are easily abused by ex drug addicts like myself. I had to go to a second doctor to get a good enough note to take a leave of absence. When I tried to access the school psychologists, I was told that since I was on leave, I wasn't paying fees, which means I couldn't access mental health services. But also, I couldn't come back to school, because I hadn't sought medical treatment. I really felt like I was in the movie Brazil. I tried to access mental health help their the public system here, but it really is only there for people that have gone completely mad.

So, here I am, a year later, and somewhat healthier, but sad that I am no longer on the academic route. I am beginning paid therapy this weekend. The reason for my improvement without therapy, thus far, has been sympathetic doctors I know of, that have given me access to psychedellics. In particular, I was given therapeutic doses of MDMA, and p. cubensis.

My opinion of the MDMA was that it felt great for a few hours, but the after affects were negligible. After taking the mushrooms, I felt better for weeks at a time. Optimistic even. I started making plans. I'm now working on professional credentials for a job that at least has some mathematics in it. I don't sit around and mope all day. I rarely get so depressed i think about suicide now.

I advocate no particular path, but I will say I think there is some truth to the idea that a pinch of psychedellics is worth a pound of therapy. But even take this with a grain of salt. I have espoused the benefits of the after-effects of p.cubensis, but have found the experiences themselves EXTREMELY uncomfortable - you have been warned. On the positive side again, if you are trying to reconstruct neural pathways to fundamentally change behaviour and personality, there is mounting evidence that psilocybin promotes neurogenesis.

That said, if your trauma is severe, you may also need therapy. If you can't secure therapy, even a trustworthy friend that is willing to listen can help. If you have no trust worthy friend - something I have found has helped me sort through childhood traumas, is writing letters to people I want to confront. Now, I never plan to deliver these letters. My situation is such that my disappearance from family is safer than confronting them. But writing the letters helps organize my anger, sadness, anxiety.

Feel free to pm me if you want to talk some more, if this helped, or whatever.

 

One only seeks happiness when one confuses the sensation of the temporary cessation of a need as an end in itself. Its like being under water and struggling to get to the surface, not only so that one can fill his lungs with air, but so that lung-filling-with-air can be the new sole purpose of his life.

When one seeks to fulfill needs with an understanding that one will immediately grow weary of that particular state of fulfillment and seek to fulfill other, often contrary, needs, then one will be able to be more pragmatic about fulfilling one's needs to just the amount needed, rather than trying to overdue it, and either failing, or actually hurting oneself by pushing oneself into a repeating cycle. For example, one who's been shut off from society for years might become so lonely that he denounces all solitude and swears to live a life constantly in society. He'll start making friends with anyone, no matter who they are, find he suddenly has all these unwanted social obligations, is terribly tired of conversing with others, has no time for his own thoughts, and simply can no longer stand the sight of another person. So what does he do? He then swears off all society, and burns all his bridges until he's shut off again, and the cycle repeats. All he needed to do was find a little company, and then maybe a little more, or a little less, depending on how it satisfied him.

It may be better to not take such a broad perspective on one's life concerning fulfilling needs. So one perceives oneself as having suffered, in general, for the last five years, it doesn't mean that he needs to live five years of ecstasy to make up for it. Pain is more common than suffering, just as chaos is more common than creation. Just as the amount of entropy that results from any form of creation (life and the products of the living) is enormous, the amount of pain resulting from any amount of pleasure is enormous. One may best avoid confusing a culture where claiming to be content has anything to do with one's contentment.

Beware flatterers, because what they give, they can take away. If your constitution is that which allows a compliment to be a comfort, then it cannot help but also be that to allow an insult to be a discomfort. Altogether when one freely allows oneself to take the words of others to heart one becomes addicted to them, and can no longer sustain his pride/self-esteem on anything else. This is why support groups only work for those with modest expectations. In all forms of exchange of goods and services, including moral support, each side eventually exposes that rather than seeking a mutually beneficial exchange, he, in fact, wishes to get the advantage in the deal.

Beware those seemingly offering sympathy. Sympathy is usually just a guise masking pity. Pity is not a virtue, and it's often simply a method many use to try to verify their pride. One pities those he feels more powerful than. The second that person starts to gain in power, the pity turns to disdain. Similarly, avoid giving pity; the pitied quickly becomes the pitier. One can't sustain one's pride for long with that method.

 

Beware those that write in messianic prose

 

I agree. The point is to live but in the knowing you are fully happy in it, not just to live. Most of us live, and think we are happy, but a deeper look into our happiness may support otherwise.

The point made I interpreted as 'live, but not necessarily be happy'.

I

 

"You probably shouldn't take anything anyone here says to seriously, as you don't know if they have experience with your mental health issues, if they are a troll, or if they even subscribe to a form of thinking that relies on axiom and deduction. "

Yet there you are advocating said poster, who clearly posted a thread seeking some new ideas not necessarily help, to PM you for advice.

 

I read this quite a long time ago, and I find it to be true....




“They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.”


Tom Bodett quotes


I also like this quote...i think you have to be happy with yourself....and enjoy your own company.......

"happiness is when you feel good about yourself without needing anyone else's approval...."

 

Also, there is a good book out there called Food and Mood, and how different foods affect how you feel. Some foods make you feel like shit and depressed....Others make you feel opitmum....It would stand to reason that whatever you put into your body will have some kind of effect.

Exercise helps....Do you walk, jog or work out at all?

 

nobody has told me to make it my priority, but i do try to get it in at least once a day. porn helps.

 

Any recommendations on foods in particular that you found to have a great positive effect? Ice cream doesn't count