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Discussion in 'Poetry' started by CacklingDragon, May 12, 2004.

  1. Ushered in through darkness sweet,
    the shadows grow across the floor.
    Terrified; beguiled with splendour,
    but of what i can't be sure.

    The night creeps in like tired ladies,
    sad and soft; alone unsure.
    Searching for the fuel to feed it,
    the pain that still remains so pure.

    Of broken hearts and lovesick men,
    i'll tell you stories oh so true.
    The pain of loss remains unspoken,
    of shattered hearts, i've known a few.

    Terrified of memories...
    i've tried so hard not to remember.
    As i watch this fire flicker,
    growing pain and glowing ember.
     
  2. Incubus

    Incubus Banned

    That was fantastic, it had good rythem and i can picture it used as lyrics, emotionally i felt i had a good purpose, too me it was about a love gone sour, but who knows i never interpret them as they are meant to be ;)
     
  3. oooh..... thanks, i feel loved, heehee

    it's sorta about love gone sour, more accurately love snatched, but thank you,

    blessed be
     
  4. VanAstral

    VanAstral Member

    i don't think this needs any criticism.
     
  5. thanks, you guys are quite encouraging

    - blessed be
     
  6. veinglory

    veinglory Member

    You have good rhyme and word choice, good use of simile. The cadence is actually quite eneven which throws me off, no set meter. e.g. the number of syllables per line is 7897, 9788 etc with no fixed pattern of stressed syllables. You could go that little bit further and perfect the structure.
     
  7. Woog

    Woog Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

    very good
    and yes, this could easily be lyrics
    (I'm a songwriter)
    throw a chorus and bridge on it
    and you're in business
    very nice
     
  8. Crystaleyez

    Crystaleyez Member

    wow! I really dig that tired ladies similie. good work!
     
  9. thanks guys...

    i understand what your saying about cadence, i think i say it differantly in my head than it sounds when you read it for the first time... i'll work on that in future

    - blessd be
     

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