Can't stop thinking about ex-wife during sex/masturbation

Please help me if you can. This is my first post on here, and I came here because nobody I've talked to can relate to me about this so hopefully someone on here can.

I'm 20 years old and I got married to my high school sweetheart/mother of my child just last year in July. It only took til late October for us to split up. She had been interested in an open marriage but failed to inform me about it BEFORE the wedding. So I found out 3 weeks after. I tried to keep an open mind and put her feelings before my own but the bottom line was that I wasn't okay with it. This girl is the love of my life, there's no doubt in my mind. I'm absolutely crazy about her. I remember the first time I laid my eyes on her in middle school and thought "wow, that chick is gorgeous... but she's probably too cool to ever wanna talk to me..." And within 6 years this gorgeous girl who was too good for me has had my child, became my wife and completely crushed every part of me down to nothing but mere dirt. After a while of neither of us sleeping with other people SHE said "okay, let's NOT do the open marriage thing," and I was so overjoyed and I expressed that to her, telling her I never wanted it. We went one week without any fighting or arguing (which was unheard of for us) and then she just changed her mind again and started going out and getting fucked... This was over half a year ago and I'm still writhing in emotional agony.

She was only the 2nd girl I'd ever slept with, but I was (and still would be) 100% okay with committing to just her for the rest of my life. She's absolutely beautiful to me. No one can match her beauty, not any super model, porn star, celebrity, etc. Her face is so unique, and when we were still together I realized that if I was masturbating to pornography, I would imagine her in the porno. Now with gangbang porn being my favorite category, I found it strange that I loved getting off to my wife in a pornographic way because it would tear me apart emotionally if that were to happen in real life. Is this normal??? We had always had a terrific sex life, grade A porn status. I've got a big cock, she's always had the tightest pussy (due to a childhood accident that left scar tissue keeping her tight as a virgin at all times) and we knew how to get each other off. The problem was that we were forced to move in with my grandparents because we couldn't afford our own place at the time. Our sex life became nearly non-existent. There were plenty of other factors that lead to a not-so-healthy relationship, but let me ask this. If I still have feelings this strong for her, then she must have SOMETHING to feel for me too, right??? She moved on to a new boyfriend after fooling around with a few other guys right after our split-up. I was trying to get laid nearly every moment of every day for about 4 months until I finally did get some action. And it was with a really cute chick whom I'd had a crush on for a while now. She had that same factor that my wife had, a beautiful UNIQUE face. She was hot as fuck, and we slept together 2 nights in a row. But it was some of the worst sex I'd ever had. Whiskey was a factor, but I think the fact that she wasn't my wife was more so to blame for why my penis didn't want to stay hard. I had to think about my wife in order to get off, which eventually happened. And so I did it, right?! I got laid, I FUCKED SOMEONE, JUST LIKE SHE'S BEEN DOING SO NOW I'M GONNA FEEL BETTER!!! ...... Nope! Didn't make me feel better at all. And by this point she's claimed to be in love with her new boyfriend and she's happy. So what do I do??? I see the stupidity in it now but at the time my brain just decided to tell me "well if fucking someone didn't make you feel better then you better get a girlfriend and fall in love with HER! That'll make you feel better..." SO I GOT A FUCKIN' GIRLFRIEND! That just ended about 5 days ago from today, but I'm glad it did because a few things were wrong. One factor, I STILL had to think about my wife during sex. Another one, as each day passed once I started a relationship, I only missed my wife more. More and more everyday, and that's still carrying on.

Sorry this is so long, I'll wrap it up.
My questions: IS IT NORMAL FOR ME TO THINK ABOUT ONLY ONE WOMAN IN ORDER TO GET OFF??? WHAT IS THAT? THAT MUST MEAN TRUE LOVE, RIGHT???
And another thing, I've been trying to talk to her about how we split up and things in our relationship that I now realize I need to apologize for. We need to make amends! None of that ever got talked about enough between us. So I just want us to settle everything and be on good terms for our daughter's sake. Not only that, but I need her in my life too, even if it's just as a friend, but she says she doesn't wanna talk to me unless it has to do with our daughter. If I push it, she tells me to fuck off.
She started talking to me last week, about how she felt guilty that she was dirty dancing with some other guy at a party that her boyfriend didn't go to with her, and that he's just been acting weird lately. Why would she tell me these things??? Unless she confides in me, right? We hardly even speak anymore at all, and she's telling me her secrets??? But says she doesn't wanna be friends. I just don't understand. Ladies? Do you know what this means? A buddy of mine thinks we have an eternal connection, and if we become friends again and get too close that we'll start fucking again. But she does really seem set on her bf. Even got a tattoo about him... All this is really fucking with my head. Can anyone read what her behavior is saying??? Is it possible that she still loves me? Could I take her back after all the hurt she's caused me???

Your thoughts/opinions will be so greatly appreciated. Thank you.

 

Dont worry,there are plenty of other guys that only think about your ex wife while tugging it, you are not alone