Can't forgive cheating

I caught my wife having an affair 6 years ago. It had been going on for about 2 months when I caught her. To compound it more she would not even tell the truth until two months later. We were in therapy at the time and she was pretending all was well and lying to my face. The problem is that i cannot get past it. i think about it daily. Our lives have returned to pretty much normal. It is still the first place i go when i am angry with her. We do not talk about it anymore, but i think about it alot. I think about revenge and would resort to violence if i saw him. Am I wrong to feel this way?

 

After 6 years. I'd say it's excessive. You need to learn to get over it or make a decision and end the relationship. That's what I think. Either you still don't trust her or you're just unwilling to let go of the past. I can't understand how you can have a good relationship holding on to something like that.

 

Nah you're not wrong but I will tell you that you should keep an eye on your physical health. That is quite a few years of pain living in you and I personally believe that kind of trauma can and will affect your endocrine system and wreak havoc on your body over time.

As far as the cheating thing, it's a fucked up situation when it happens and it feels like she took your power from you and by staying with her you've somehow given her permission to keep it but you love her and built memories and she wants to be with you too but she fucked up so what is the right move? I been there. That shit takes some real soul searching and strength to leave if that's what it comes to.

It's okay to put yourself first and not be a martyr for a relationship that the other party showed a total lack of respect for. I'm not gonna tell you what to do but I will say that after 6 years this thing still has life in it and it has taken up real estate in your mind. You have to either wrestle that demon down or tell that woman you tried your best to deal but it aint the same now and you can't and won't be held responsible for the demise of the relationship and move on.

Seriously though take a good probiotic, stress throws your gut flora off real bad. don't neglect yourself.

 

i can't say i blame you for feeling that way, but i agree...6 years is a long time. it's time to move on, one way or the other.

 

I have to thank you for confirming my own beliefs. My relationship is pretty much in the toilet right now, and coincidentally, an ex from before I met my wife sent me an email 2 days ago asking if my email address was still current. I said Yes, and that I am now married. I had a hell of a fun history with this girl and she responded to my email... would I consider an extra-marital affair? I wrote back to her saying while I don't doubt it would be fun, I made a vow and commitment to my wife, and despite how bad things are currently between us, I intend to honour that commitment and treat her with respect. I have no desire whatsoever to hurt my wife like that or be that uncaring/selfish to try to do it and get away with it.
I honestly don't know how your wife could think you could completely move forward from that. I doubt a 'Free Pass' has been offered and doubt you would take it. Hopefully she practiced safe sex and hasn't compromised your health.
I can also understand how you could fall back on that point whenever you argue. She will never trump that ace.

Forget violence. You will be the biggest loser in that scenario and you probably have more character than to do that.

See a counsellor for your own good. Talk it through.

I don't know. I would want her to pay for such a transgression... but I honestly can't think of anything that she could do that would put you at peace again. I would also find it difficult to even act lovingly towards her... kiss her etc. I'm sure you've already wrestled with that demon.

Good luck! Get help. Stay rational with what you know to be right.

 

I agree with the above posters, especially Mothman when he addressed your health. Stressors and thoughts like this can be debilitating! Addressing your health needs to be your primary concern. Remember the old adage, put your oxygen mask on first and then help others? Translate the proverbial into reality - help yourself become well and the decide if you still want her, the relationship you share.

Ask yourself if you really want to allow her mistakes to continue robbing you.

If your answer is no, then you need to make a conscious effort to release the pain and simply let it go each time it surfaces. If you find that you cannot take a passive approach, buy a punching bag and beat it to hell. Whether you make the conscious or physical effort to release stress is irrelevant, the point is to release it and find a balance within yourself again.

Once you have found the moment of peace, sit within it and ask yourself if you would sincerely regret or miss her if you left her. What sort of impact would that have on your life? If its a very negative one, commit yourself to forgiveness. And remember that in forgiveness we reap more benefit than the party that is forgiven, because it frees us from the burden of anger and pain.

 

Holding onto stress, pain and thoughts of vengeance only hurts you. It is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Somehow you have to forgive and let it go. Forgiving does not mean that you are ok with whatever the person did or that you want them to remain in your life. Forgiveness is for you to heal.

 

if youre not emotionally supportive with her now.. shes going to find someone that is.

 

When someone cheats I think it's important to come up with some new rules, checkpoints, etc. if you didn't do that in those early years, maybe you should do it now. If you're no longer getting counseling maybe you should now. Does she know you're still holding onto this? Couples counseling and/or some very deep soul searching, personal development and communication skills can go a long way, if you really want to do the work. If you don't want to do the work, you're probably better off leaving.

 

Thanks for the words of wisdom. I agree that it has a life of it's own. Always the elephant in the room. I do take better care of myself. Gym 5 days a week, eating healthy. It's just the mental obsession that still kicks my ass. I would give my patients the same advice. It's easy to say, but hard to do.

 

I've been through that with my exwife and I wish I had something to add that hasn't already been said. It's tough and it definitely affected my health at the time. Every situation is different but in my case it wasn't an isolated incident with one person. It was something that I didn't think was going to change about her so moving on was really the best thing I think I've ever done.

 

be mature enough to realize love is not finite....

 

Your feelings can't be "wrong" only misdirected and sometimes harmful. You have every right to feel how you do. But you also have the right and the power to take yourself back and not let this eat at you for all of your days.

 

I did the same thing to my husband, and he filed for divorce approximately 2 years later. Maybe that was his way to deal with obsessing and feelings of violence. I don't blame him. It was/is hurtful. My own behavior was a sign of my desperation. In our case, something catastrophic was inevitable, and we were doomed for a long time.

 

Personaly if someone did that to me I would never trust them again! I have no interest in being in a relationship without trust so I would not hesitate to leave no matter what the circumstance was. The kind of person that would do that is not the kind of person I have any use for. I would get over them very quickly, because to me they would not be worth loving and I would have zero respect for them as a person.

 

You're not wrong. It takes something different for everyone to get recover (NOT GET OVER) something like that. This has happened to me as well, multiple times over with my wife. Long story that I won't bother you with.

I'm not fully recovered either, it's made me guarded and my love for her has forever been damaged. I stay married for my own reasons and I'm making it work as best I can.

I too think about it daily so you're not alone. I would suggest trying to find some peace somehow. Processing the feelings and coming to grips with certain things helps. I created a journal for me to get these feelings out and in the "open." Somewhere else other than in my mind and it has been very liberating. I originally started it so I'd have my story told should the marriage end (she's the type that would try and turn my kids agains me). I never knew it would be such therapy.

Good luck to us!

 

Good luck to any of you who may be dealing with this. Sometimes it may seem like there is no light at the end of the tunnel but there is. I promise. But the only way to get there is to walk toward it. I think that's a lesson I learned when I was in this situation.

 

Thanks for all the support. I felt like I was all alone with these feelings. I think we all grieve the loss of trust in different ways. I know that it really intensifies this time of year around the anniversary date. I guess what hurts the most is all the lies. I feel I could have processed it better with the truth upfront. The repeated lies and different stories was really confusing.

 

Yeah I can understand why it might take a long time if it was an ongoing drama, but to me that would be a reason to just leave. But I can't speak for anyone else, I am not in your situation. Best of luck, either way.

 

It's a tough thing because it's such an emotional investment and we all value that differently. Some people bounce back quickly and realize they weren't the problem. Others try to judge and rationalize things in different ways. So I get how there are many positions but for me...I heard a lot of advice but doing what I thought was right was the right thing for me. That may not have given me the best results but I have no regrets. The problem comes from being sort of blinded in the situation and not knowing if you will have regrets. You think of all kinds of things that aren't really real or real yet. You have to be able to filter all that stuff out and see what is really there to decide what you should do. And be honest with yourself about it.