Btw...firstly I just want to say..bc I do not want to be harassed by undercover cops ~ I am NOT trying to solicit anything on here. Im just a young addict with a bad back (yes everyone says that...but I really do. Choose to beleive me or not) who is seeking advice from fellow addicts. I just got myself into the deepest addiction, and Im lonely & need help not committing suicide. I know...call me pathetic ; ( I also just want to say that I have been drinking vodka continuosly for about a week & not eating much from stress so excuse me if my grammar is HORRIBLE. Lol. Also, I am crying alot right now. But you guys know this desperate feeling, right?? This sense of DOOM,..right?? Im not trying to bring you guys down. I would like to make a happy post..if someone can make me laugh..? So a brief intro..how I got started in this opiate addiction I initially got into pain management bc I was making good money at the time and I liked feeling like an adult (though a young one) & being able to pay for luxury meds for my back pain that yoga could only cure for 30 mins. BUT THEN...I got addicted. The pain it cured...the divine energy it gave me! You know the story. It was innocent at first ; ( But then.. Where do I start?....well I have the worlds cheapest father so I have been working since I was 13. Started with babysitting. Then when I was 14 or 15 I got this fat restaraunt owner down the street (whose restaraunt was actually opened with much help from my grandfather who I never met. These people were immigrants and my grandfather was in the restaraunt business) to hire me to do...guess what?! catering. Yes, my grandpa helped you guys open your restaraunt and buy that mansion & all you can give me is a catering job. Doesnt sound so bad? Well I was lifting super heavy things and I was the only girl and I got paid $50 for a day -or night's- work of LOTS of heavy lifting. My back hurt ALOT...but atleast I got $50. So I got to buy myself things that my super cheap father never bought me. Well he paid for my catholic school. But when my parents got divorced I had to go to the worlds ghettoist public school...where I got bullied alot for being white.There was alot of racial tension in my school. It was scary ; ( Anyways, I have been working jobs ever since. I am a HARD worker. And I am almost 24 now. Let me be clear that I never claimed to have the world's most excruciating back pain. I just have straight up back pain. you guys dont wanna hear this whole story.. Im drinking vodka right now, sorry. You guys know how it feels to be this addicted and desperate. I just wanted to share some of it w you guys so you can get an idea why I got into pain meds. Im so desperate right now. I have been drinking a bottle of vodka a day for a week and barely eating. My boyfriend doesnt talk to me. Im so lonely so thank you guys for listening. But I have not NOT thought about suicide in so long. Im a freakin makeup artist (although now too desperate, suicidal, addicted to be a working one), I wanted to study more languages, I was getting into glamour modeling. I was gonna make $$$ and be a happy, beautiful person and help make others around me happy and make this world a better beautiful place! But what happened? I got extremely addicted. I have tried goin off...but I started attempting suicide and my boyfriend has to hold me down, or call the cops. You guys...I want to stop. I dont care about getting high. Sure I liked to sometimes! But thats not what I care about anymore. My body and ESPECIALLY my brain are so addicted. I dont want to get high, I want to feel normal and happy again ; ( My pharmacist asked me yesterday ~ "why dont you get surgery??? You cant take these meds forever" ~ I say "I didnt think I could afford it" (honestly I just never thought about it) ~ He says "why not you have insurance??? ~ Ah yes I do! My daddy did give me insurance. I MUST thank him for that. My daddy never gave presents or bought me clothes (except CATHOLIC SCHOOL uniforms) but he did seem to pay for basic things like school and insurance. I am so very grateful for that. But anyways, I felt so stupid saying I couldnt afford it when I have insurance. Dude I was drinking vodka that morning and honestly...I just seriously NEVER thought about getting back surgery. NEVER though about it. Besides...ya'll (not you) got me so addicted to pain meds now. What the fuck am I gonna do??? What do I do guys?? Please help. I read alot of your stuff on here and I have alot of respect for you guys. I love what you guys write. Love alot of the advice. Alot of you have such a good sense of humor that may have saved my life a few times when I was super desperate & feeling suicidal. Thank you so much guys. Thank you SO MUCH. Can we start a discussion here? Can someone help me with advice? Im so addicted...what do I do when my pharmacist cuts me of???? ; (
1stly I cant understand your problem in the wall of text.. whats the short version of this?.. 2ndly.. Try Kratom or some Motrin.... 3rdly.. try quiting cold turkey it will only hurt you for a couple of days and get better over time.. Take some motrin for pain..
Don't get me wrong, we all do actually have certain entitlements, but: Stop being all entitled and shit and trying to blame your dad for shit that YOU choose to do. You're not entitled to a better job because of who your grandparents are (I think most people are entitled to better pay, but that's neither here nor there), you're not entitled to your dads money, etc. You did NOT "work" as a babysitter at 13, working is not the same as a kid making a little personal money - boo hoo, your dad wouldn't subsidize your desperation to have special trendy clothes, and probably saw no need to, as you..... made money. You chose to start the shit - stop the shit. Weed is a great analgesic, start using it. Start generally behaving yourself and stop blaming others. What do you do when your pharmacist cuts you off (again with the blaming others)? You withdraw, that's what you do. If you want to feel normal again, you better stop now - the longer you go on, the more out-of-tune your endorphin system gets - I've heard of longtime addicts who are always dopesick, their withdrawals never stop, even when they're fully off the shit. If you want your body to ever work right, there's no time like the now. You do not have the "deepest addiction", from what you said - you didn't mention specific chemicals or doses (or I missed it in your text wall), but you don't give the impression that you're injecting, just taking pills - you're mostly a crybaby - even people who really do have the "deepest addiction" and really are "so addicted" don't spontaneously try to kill themselves when they don't have dope. Addiction only deepens with time as your brain gets more and more rewired - guess you should get on that quitting thing. The internet is full of suggestions to help ease withdrawals. You might consider ibogaine or something like that - it might cure your insufferable attitude, regardless of the opiate use.
Back surgery is a big deal, and often it doesn't work. It didn't work for me. It sounds like you just need to quit. You said you're addicted to pain meds, but not what they are or how much you take. Regardless, you can quit. It will suck for a few days, or maybe even a week or so, but from your post I'd say you have got to do it. If you need help to do it, then get help, it's available virtually everywhere. Just pick yourself up, quit wallowing in self-pity and get your life in order. Believe me, it's not hopeless. You can do it. You just have to come to the conclusion that enough is enough.
It sounds like you want to stop but I also understand it is not that easy. I am not sure if you are aware how similar pain pills such as Oxy are to Heroin. So as of now you basically have a heroin habit. But this does not mean it is hopeless, you already have the most important part of getting clean, you don't want to be high anymore. Have you considered getting on Methadone? To do so might require you to get into the narcotics anonymous network. Not necessarily the meetings but something like admitting to a doctor you are an addict. But it also could be possible that you do it on your own, NA is not a requirement and personally I do not agree with their "I am powerless approach". It does work for some but for others it only makes them feel worse and in the end they stop because they want to prove NA wrong. NA might seem far fetched because you don't think of yourself like that. This is the mistake that SO MANY pill users make. A doctor gave this to me so it's not really a "drug" it' safe. The reason why it works for you is the same reason heroin users like that high, it's almost the same chemical in the two things. Even when you take this stuff as prescribed it is extremely addictive. I personally watched my grandmother who had never gotten high in her life have a very painful final time in the world because she was addicted to pain pills. She only took them as needed but still as she died I realized she was dope sick. Also your pharmimicist can not cut you off, they do not decide what drugs are appropriate for you. So his opinion really doesn't mean much. Your doctor could cut you off but unless you are discussing your addiction with him or other addict behavior like asking for a huge amount at once I don't think he notices anything either. Pain pills prescriptions and even large ones are pretty common in America. I also have to say I have never been personally addicted to opiates. I have known people who were and I experimented with the high for a while and had some minor withdraws. But I do not think I have the same issues as you so take what I say with a a grain of salt, I don't live it. If you are interested in other pain management weed is a good option. You will probably like that high too but I think you will find the side effects are much less worse and you will not find yourself "addicted" in the same way. It also has some real benefits for pain like opiate it can also interfere with the pain receptors in the brain so you do not feel them as much, just in safer way. Unless you live in Colorado it still caries some legal risk though. I would say yoga too but that seems like it is not working for you.
I knew someone was gonna get really mad at me after writing this. Haha. But I will take it as like a tough love sorta thing. I agree...I admit when I'm wrong...I had an entitlement attitude there. Truth is though, I did have a tough childhood w an abusive stepfather. BUT I did not intend to give the impression that I came here for a pity party. I was just trying to get my desperation across. My frustration, emptiness, etc. Than you everyone for answering. So the options for me are 1) Ibogaine or 2)methadone and yes I can just go cold turkey but after the physical symptoms go away....the EXTREME depression. Can't move. No will to live. Bleak black world. Masochistic thoughts.
Seriously though...thank you some of you guys already planted some seeds in my head. Some of you guys have helped point me in the right direction. Thank u for the wisdom. I need to look up this Ibogaine shit I never even heard of it.
Well it looks like Ibogaine is a Sched 1 drug and impossible to get. Damn America and this Nazi attitude toward drugs.
Btw, I'm sorry I just spilled all this crap out like you guys are therapists. But if you know human nature...when someone has had a tough childhood they tend to have alot of anger. You think my attitude is bad? My brother is one hell of an angry individual. He hates women, he hates liberals (like me), hates Obama, hates hates hates. It seems like the family problems negatively affected him the most. It is awful. But it is true that family problems, abusive stepfathers, getting bullied really badly growing up...do tend to cause alot of anger to build up in a person. I am probably the kindest most compassionate person...but deep down anger and frustration is strong. Then add opiate addiction on top of that and...
Sorry to hear that you are going through this. www.suicideforum.com is probably a better resource for suicide prevention. The folks there will have more experience with that stuff, though folks here may know more about addiction-specific stuff. Back surgery and pain meds are not the only ways to deal with back pain. If yoga helps temporarily, there may be some kind of physical therapy that would help you. Acupuncture is very good at treating back pain. This is often expensive though, so if you try this, you may want to see if there is a student clinic, an acupuncturist that offers services on a sliding scale, or other acupuncture program. I don't know what your location is, but if you are in the US or Canada, the info below may help you connect to health care and other services ----- 211 is available in the US and Canada for help with food, housing, employment, health care, counseling and more. You can call 211, and you can also visit the websites www.211.org (US) or www.211.ca (Canada) for more information. --------- Other than that, would any of your relatives be able to help you at all? Would asking them for help be a problem? If your back injury occurred while you were working, you may be able to file a workman's comp. claim. I don't know the details about how you do that. 211 might be able to help with that. There may also be a law school legal clinic or other legal aid service that could help you. There's more to say, but that's a start I'll try to keep helping as much as I can. Hope that things can start getting better soon!
Another option is suboxone or subutex. But be careful to get off it as soon as u can cuz it can be just as addicting as pain pills. I had a pill addiction for 5 yrs and got on subutex and Been taking it for 7 yrs. Wish I would've stopped taking it when I had the chance. After my first 30 days of taking subs I quit taking them and was fine. But then my dad passed away so I started taking pills again and had to get back on the subs. And i haven't been able to get off them. I've tried a few times going 2+ weeks with out any and still had very severe withdrawal there was no end in sight. So I keep taking them just so I can function. Best of luck to u!
