Can guys and girls be friends?

I'm feeling a bit down because of what my bff told me. He said when it comes to friendship with guys, there's always an ulterior motive to have sex with you, so it's not really a friendship. He said if I took sex off the table, the guy would bounce and that's the last I would ever hear from him. He also said as you get older, you can't have friends.

I feel so bad knowing that I only have two friends (him and this girl). My sister has about 10-15 girlfriends. I also never get to see my two friends, as one of them lives in Idaho, both are married, and the girl works three jobs and is mentally unstable. I may never see them again.

I feel like this is the result of living in Western civilization. In places like Brazil, people have tons of friends to go out and have fun with. But America is a really lonely place where people usually only have two friends and often have no friends.

Please help!

 

Hi Samantha... what exactly do you want help with? Is it understanding if girls and guys can really be (just) friends with no thought of possible future sex or romance on the table? Is it talking about feeling lonely and/or wishing you had more friends? Is it advice on how to make good...true (often female) friends in today's society?

I think the thing about whether women and men can really be friends without any thought of something else possible in the future....well, that's a tricky one! Yes, it can be done!! However...it has screwed me over more than once assuming that I had a really, really close guy friend who was just a friend. Because 99% of the time I found out exactly what your guy friend told you. So for example I had a very very close guy friend that my husband trusted (and thought he was gay most likely... which he was bi, but anyways...)--and me and this guy friend did stuff together all the time. With and without my husband. Nothing ever happened. No HINT of it. Until he hit on me in a pretty bad way after me and him were drinking together by ourselves one night... which had happened in the past tons of times, as we both liked to party back then and considered each other close, even best, friends.

Another guy friend... hm, was an ex boyfriend who after things ended we stayed super super close friends even though he lived far away (another state) and we rarely saw each other... .only talked often and about EVERYTHING. Ended up finding out of of the blue one day that he was holding out hope for me all that time even though he knew I had gotten married and basically that I was breaking his heart all the time just for being around.

And then there were guys I was NEVER attracted to all and made that clear and became casual (not super close at all) friends with them...and they hit on me as well.

I do still have a couple close guy friends. And I don't drink but let's just say it this way... if I did drink I wouldn't trust ANY of those guy friends enough to put myself in a situation of being messed up with just them and expect them not to expect anything to happen. I've come to understand and accept how (most) guys think and are.

I used to have many, many close female friends and I do not anymore. (I do have a good bit but many...most... of them do not live close by to actually do things with). I wish I had more female friends to do things with. And just to talk to and to have more true friends. I plan on trying to work on that myself personally... I find it hard to meet people myself sometimes. When I used to go out to bars, parties, raves, etc.---when I was younger---it was EASY to meet people. People that did the same kinda things I did then and we were all having fun but there were some true friends but many of them... it was the time and place. I plan on in the future, w me personally, b.c I'm a mom looking for more mom friends and not just to do stuff w our kids together but for just us moms to hang out alone too and get close.

I've always found it easier to have guy friends.... but better to have girl friends.

So maybe with whatever all you are into now try to meet other women for true friendships that are into similar things as you? I mean, go to meetup.com if you want and look for groups there. I have joined a few groups from there in the past... one was a mommy and toddler group. Another (and this was back when I drank and was super into microbrews) was a local microbrew group... We had bi-monthly parties and events. One Halloween we had an Oktoberfest party at a member's house and all brought different Oktoberfest beer to share. We often met at microbreweries and all just ate...sampled the diff brews...chatted. Both groups were really nice. I'd like to maybe join a hiking group from that site. There's all kinds of stuff.

 

I have a handful of male friends and a handful of male admirers. They all know I'm not attracted to men so all they have is the friendship that I offer to them all. It's up to them whether this friendship is sufficient enough or not and most times it is because there's just really no other way around it, you either want me in your life or be a part of my life, as friends, or you don't.

In that scenario it is extremely possible to have male friends as a female without the "alternative motives". Maybe they do think about sex with me.. But it won't happen and doesn't happen yet the ones that remain my friends are really good honest friends of mine.
I don't think sex always plays a factor in the friendship relationships.

 

I've had several guy friends throughout the years and a few years ago I pretty much gave up on all of them. At some point they all either drunkenly hit on me or soberly confessed their feelings to me. The whole drunkenly hitting on me thing was never a huge deal and I'm pretty good at avoiding any awkwardness in those situations, but those guy friends just tend to fall by the wayside as they meet other girls or you start dating someone.

The soberly confessing their feelings type of guy friends are the trickiest, as most dont really want to be friends after you turn them down. I had one friend who started treating me like shit because I didn't return his feelings.

I do not think it is impossible to have a male friend but I do think it can be very rare to find a truly platonic friend if the opposite sex. I have one and we've been friends since I was 14 and have known each other even longer so we are more like siblings at this point. And we were not strictly platonic at first.

Actually, ex boyfriends can sometimes make the best guy friends. There isn't a lot of sexual curiosity there and you already know you won't work together, but I think in most cases exes generally find a friendship hard to maintain when they start seriously dating other people. I was really good friends with an ex for a couple of years after we broke up but we both met and fell in love with other people around the same time and it just felt really awkward to keep hanging out after that.

 

(to what irminsul said)^^^^It doesn't always and I know you are right, irminsul. I've just personally learned-via my past experiences where I thought certain guy friends had no interest at all what so ever... to be careful anyway. I mean who knows if they were lying to me from the get go or if maybe just getting in a not sober stage caused them to change like that. But I used to totally trust what was on the surface with those friendships and now I'm just a little more wise-cautious. (It might be different, probably is, when they know you're not into any guys at all though)

 

That is what I go through with the one guy that I still consider a super, super close friend of mine that I've had forever. I'm sure I'll always consider him one of my best friends ever... but the hanging out thing just is weird anymore.

 

If a guy stops talking to you because sex is off the table then you are lucky that he has stopped talking to you. I have female friends that I know that I will never have sex with.

If a guy stops being your friend because he knows that he isn't going to get lucky, then he isn't your friend.

I'm attracted to women but I'm not too dense to not see past the attraction, and see the whole person. I think most men are like this, even though l know there are some stupid cavemen out there.

 

Someone once told me that if you have one true friend in your lifetime, you are very lucky....I have a few, so I guess I am super lucky....but you should be able to tell if the guy is just after sex from you....and always stand your ground..and if he doesn't want to be your friend anymore, like expanse said, he never really was. I have also had lots of guy friends who were/are gay. They make great friends, as far as I am concerned.

 

I have female friends, a few I've known over 20 years. I don't actively try to get them in bed but I can't say I don't have a few fantasies now and then.

 

I think it's natural to wonder about sex with people you are friends with, I admit I wonder what some of my male friends would be like to sleep with, female friends too etc.
when I am with several male friends it isn't uncommon to hear them talk quite sexually about other female friends of mine. I kind of assume this goes full circle and they may even speak about me this way too. So while I don't think all the guys are trying to get with their friends they've most likely at least thought about it.

 

Yes guys and girls can be friends. Definitely.

 

I don't have any female friends of my own. I have missus sisters and my missus female friends as my friends I guess. I don't often think about sex with any of them.

 

Barring a few exceptions, like online friends or homosexual friends, I don't think guys and girls can be friends for any extended period of time.

In my experience, girls seem to really change when they get into a relationship and then there is obviously a lot less time to do stuff together anyways.

I can respect a girl if she wants to just be friends but usually if I got nothing going on and she doesn't either, I usually will want to have relationship/sex with her and there have even been some girls I've made attempts to persuade not to date a guy, because I think we would have been better together or at least that that was not a guy they should date and in almost all those incidents if they have ignored me those relationships have ended up failing. If I were in a committed relationship, I could just have girls that are friends though.

 

Guys and girls can absolutely be friends. Wanting sex with them is kind of an impulse after you've established a connection. I have a lot of really close male friends. A couple I've had sex with (and still do), but most are JUST friends. Just because we could have sex doesn't mean we're going to. I've never had anyone stop being my friend because I wouldn't date/have sex with them. If they bring it up, and I'm not interested, I just tell them that and we go about our business as usual.

 

They can. Depending on the guy the girl can even be attractive (but for real)

 

Just to make clear from what I was talking about... I've never had a guy stop being my friend because I refused to have a relationship or sex or anything else similar to that with him. (How lame would that be.... seriously.-and I don't mean that as an insult to anyone who ever had that happen to them but I mean it would have been a lame, fake friendship anyway and good riddance to it) But in the instances where I've had guy friends (just friends) come to tell telling me they have fallen in love with me or similar things... if it comes out of left field with someone I considered a close friend... me turning someone down has never stopped anyone from being my friend. That's lame, obviously. What has happened is, for me I have felt it akward to go back to our regularly scheduled friendship like nothing was changed at all...in some instances I also didn't feel it would be FAIR to the guy to continue hanging out w him so often, maybe making him think things have a chance. So it would create a divide in the friendship-which is probably, in that situation, for the best.

I DO have guy friends that are just friends. Other than gay guys and online friendships I have at least 3 close ones that I can think of. One is part of a couple though that we hang out w as couples, so doesn't really count. The one other is my hubby's friend too and both my husband and I knew this guy separately before we even knew each other...we all go way back and we'll always be friends.
And then there is the guy, in another state-Will... I still and always will consider him one of my best and closest friends and I knew him before I ever met hubby also. And we are just friends. But it's different for us to hang out.

Not everyone's situation is the same so it's kinda funny certain people saying yes, you def can or no you def can't. At least I said it WAS possible for males and females to just be friends and only friends. But I also said, from experience and from talking to GUYS and hearing what guys have to say, that it can be a, not always good ending, situation.

 

I think they can, I have great guy friends, a few female friends and even a couple gay friends and I am not gay so ya, why not? When I was younger I had many more then I do now but that's probably because I have a business and most of my friends are related to that in some way.
Before I went out to bars and such and met loads of people, problem was many of them drank a lot and that's not my bag anymore.
My female friends are not the gossiping type or meddling type. I can't get along with women like that.

 

Most times there seems to be sexual tension, but since many people won't admit such feelings who knows?

 

In my experience women can be friends with guys but for the most part guys can only be friends with women they are not attracted to. If he's attracted then he's a fake friend.

 

When I was a teenager / twenties it would be hard to be friends with women. From 25-40's I have genuine good friends that are women. I work very closely with a lot of beautiful woman in medicine. Doesn't mean we don't flirt I think we all do.