Brutally Honest, Totally Transparent, Confrontational or Avoidant?

I've been called all of the above. It happens in different phase of life and in different situations, but how do you decide or respond (perhaps unconsciously?) in terms of what you disclose in your interactions with people?

With family that might not approve of you?

In romantic relationships with people you don't know super well?

With friends who totally support you, but there's still a lot of distance?

 

Maybe I just want to get this out for myself, so here goes:

With family I used to be pretty transparent, I think...I welcomed all the negativity that was sent my way, for simply being me and I had no need to be confrontational. I shocked my family and they let me know. Now they don't really talk to me and I don't really say anything to them either. It seems like there's always an elephant in the room, but I guess I just don't care to put myself out there anymore, so I'm pretty avoidant. If someone were to actually engage in a real conversation with me, I'm totally honest, but I don't confront.

In romantic relationships I have generally been pretty transparent, as well, I think, but in some ways, also a bit confrontational in some ways...I try to rock the boat and I guess "test" the relationship and see where it goes. I was usually over indulgent and I'd try to encourage people from liking me, but at the same time, there's a bit of a people pleaser in me as well...a bit of a sit back and let things come to me, type of interaction. I am more confrontational now. I could say I was avoidant in some ways...hesitant to get people to express things that I knew they were hiding. Men are very sensitive in that way, but I'm so very much of a "self-mastery" type of person, that I have sometimes tried to be a catalyst and it's very difficult in the times where I've tried to hide that part of me.

With friends, I'm clearly avoidant. It doesn't really make sense, these are the people that I know accept me the most, but I don't open up very much, very often. I'm the entertainer or I'm the wise person waiting with advice or support, and again I'm pretty transparent if someone asks me a question specifically, but I don't like to be vulnerable, so I don't bring things up on my own. I think I used to be really, really different with all of my relationships...especially friends.

 

it depends on the situation. i think anyone that is any one of those things all the time is probably just playing a role rather then being themselves.

 

I think most people probably have a default personality though, right? Like, throughout my life there was a time when I was clearly, very bold, very confident, very assertive...that would be confrontational, in a sense, though not necessarily conflict/dramatic types of confrontation.

Then at other times I've been very closed off, hesitant, quiet, etc. I think of it in terms of how I react in situations that I'm familiar with or comfortable in. If I'm relatively comfortable in a certain place or potential but the way I deal with people is completely different, I'm probably in certain place in my life and noticing the way I deal with people might, perhaps help.

I think it's about a goal, almost. Like for instance, there are times in my life where all I wanted was to avoid drama. The way I avoided people because of that desire was clearly related. At this point I'm in a place where I want to really create a transformation in my life, so the way I deal with people needs to change.

I challenged myself recently, to confront some people in my life and I just got this feeling, this memory of what it was like when I was more brave and outspoken and not hiding...and I realize somehow I have to make this personality my default again. I just need to feel and act empowered again...but I still don't want to trust people, like I used to.

 

I'll tell you what I think, if you don't like To bad.

 

I've discovered at work, no matter where I work, the best thing I can do for myself is to say nothing. It is the best way to stay out of trouble, hot water, or to be "watched". A counselor told me once there is no place in MOST southern work places for a well-spoken or intelligent woman. Thing is, I'm not all that intelligent ; but I have learned to keep any half-way intelligent conversation OUT of the work place. lol...have to laugh to keep from crying about all that.

I'm totally transparent to family, my immediate family, that is. People that are simply related to me by blood don't really deserve to know just every little thing about me.

With my one bff I'm totally me...boogers and all. Other "friends" are told as much as I want them to know. lol

I've gotten old enough to realize that most people that claim to be your "friend" aren't necessarily what I call a friend.

The older I've gotten the less confrontational I've become...I'm like whatevah about most things in r/l...to me, its not worth the trouble to try to get idiots to see the light.

 

I'm definitely confrontational because I like to address differences, defend when there is no one else to defend and argue the heck of out anything. I prefer to talk it out - always. And although I'm not always right or trying to win the fight, I don't think I do it to feel good about myself whatsoever. It's just my nature.

 

I'm one of those people who sit back and mostly witness everything without getting very involved. I would say I'm very trustworthy but it does lead to people telling me a lot of stuff (often I'll have two people telling me of the same situation - a fight or encounter - without realising I'm hearing another perspective as well... I don't gossip).

I don't think I understand the question lol...

I'm never 'confrontational' but almost always honest, I like to talk things through rationally and with lots of input from others.

 

Brutally honest? I bet no ones ever called you that

 

Same here. I can't help but being confrontational at times or a bit too blunt which counts as brutually honest This doesn't mean I never know when to shut it or often really feel like don't getting into things or that I also can't be plain avoidant. It depends on the issues and the people involved.
I am pretty transparent but new people don't always recognize it as such I think. It's because I seem to be a relative complex and diverse person and I can act quite differently. But I've also heard several times I'm an open book for people who know me well... even if I don't say shit.

 

Why not? People can come across quite differently 'irl' when they communicate (verbally or nonverbally) in person. Although she seems pretty honest and transparent when sharing her thoughts on here as well.

 

I can be confrontational when I know I am right. Will stand my ground and defend my beliefs as needed. With strangers I couldn't give a damn, with friends I still stand my ground and will say what I gotta say. Might admit I have probably lost a few friends that way.
I read a lot and even test those theories before I believe them so by the time I open my mouth I either know what I am talking about or I slam it shut and study the situation later, next time I have something to fight for or nothing at all.
When I was younger I fired off my opinion, right or wrong and I hated being wrong.
I have great thought processes and I think that's because I took training on speech and giving instruction when I was in the military. They wanted us to be able to become instructors so they made us work in front of cameras and such and then grade ourselves. Also I was a shop steward at one work place where I learned to fight for others. Going to meetings and such taught us lots. I won most of my battles and when you catch a supervisor lying to get someone in trouble and you smash that down it feels pretty good. I ended up being a real fighter there and became quite blunt, no hold backs because if they came after me for it I was ready, once you beat em they kind of want to stay away from you.
Recently I fought for a friend who's land lord wanted him out and was going to offer him nearly nothing, not even his full security deposit. I won him 32 hundred bucks to walk with because there was a contract in the deal where he was to get cheaper rent over a period of time to care for the property, the land lord reneged on that by asking him to go so I got him a cash return on the deal to equal the money he would have saved in the rent for the remainder of that contract deal. Never met the man before, he was at my feet after two days of throwing the law at him and cash was paid. His wife hated me and on several occasions asked me to back out and let my friend and her husband (the land lord) deal with this, I said once the contract is paid in full I would move on, till then I am the thorn in the back no one wants. She was the first to crash, once she did he signed papers and offered the cheque.
Thing is I was a land lord for years and I knew the battle so I picked it to help my friend. He thought many times we would lose because his land lord was cheap and liked his money and wouldn't budge but as the fight went on he said things he shouldn't have, using that as ammunition along the way, he started to feel his own failure. We still laugh at this tall German guy, a foot taller then me and about 15 years older then me becoming my bitch and paying my friend what we called for. Not once did I lose it on him, but he verbally lost his shit on me a few times which added to our winning chances and he came to realize it. I am glad I can do that and being called The Pitbull didn't bother me one bit.
Sad thing is he has other properties, if I ever ran into someone else needing my help to fight him I would, in a heart beat.

 

I am transparent with family, avoidant with friends and coworkers, and brutally honest in romantic relationships.

I'm not a door mat with my friends, I just don't have time for girly drama so I tend to ignore things other girls may fight about. I've actually never been in a fight with a friend..like, ever.

Romantic relationships are a little different though, you're usually with that person more than you're with your friends so if a problem arises I would rather discuss it honestly and get it out of the way rather than worrying about it.

 

I am probably all of those depending on the relationship and the situation. I may be perceived by others differently though than my intent which is also common in dealings with others.

 

I used to be brutally honest and frank with most everyone - but I've learned over time to season my words more carefully, because you do have to think of the other person - or- the consequence in saying certain things -- meaning, will it evolve into a drawn out two or three hour conversation that I don't want -- or is it necessary to hurt someone, to prove a point or would make a bad situation that could have been avoided. You even have to think about whether you want burned bridges with someone. Once you say something you can't take it back.
There are lots of situations. I could go on. It takes composure and thought. And there are times I mess up, of course.

 

first of all, when people put the words brutally and honest together, the one thing they're most often not being entirely IS honest.

 

You wanna see me being brutally honest?

You're an absolute dick who can't see past his own struggles and projects everything in everyone else's life and stories as if something that happened to you is attacking you again, everytime someone shares something about themselves or their lives that is completely unrelated to you. You may have experienced some trauma in your life, but your way of dealing with it by being condescending and making drastic assumptions and ridiculous judgements towards people, especially women on this forum makes you one of the only people here that is completely useless for me to respond to. But if you want me to be brutally honest with you more often, let me know...see I have this thing called compassion and empathy and I don't usually care to give people a piece of their own medicine unless they absolutely ask for it.

It's not my business how screwed up you may be, but you might try to share your opinion less and listen more, pay attention more to the fact that you DON'T know the people on this forum as much as you claim to know everything about all of us, if it so happens to trigger your self-righteousness.

 

Yeah...I can relate to this, I used to be really blunt and sometimes I'm still blunt, but now it's only with people I know very well. I'm definitely always an open book though, even to people I don't trust and would rather not share with, I just can't lie, when asked a question and beyond that, I have a problem understanding the idea of too much information. I'm really into personal development, so being really honest about who I am and what I'm going through is a very comfortable space for me to be in. It doesn't always work very well in relationships, but I usually attract people who are strong enough and realistic enough to appreciate that...or I used to.

Something has changed about what I've been attracting...I guess because I've gone through a phase recently where I was intentionally pushing people away, so those who slipped through aren't exactly the type of people I normally attract.:sunny::daisy:

 

I am pretty outspoken, but have always been...and have been called that by a few.......Outspoken is a little different than being opinionated......I have opinions, too, like everyone, but am always ready to listen and learn......to see if I can change any opinions i may have . In other words, I am not set in my ways...am flexible......I came from a family that said whatever was on their mind....and many times......it was brutal...and one had to develope coping and survival skills in the face of a lot of it.......I like honesty but not brutality....there is a difference there, too.....
I try to ignore people I don't want to have involvement with.....and am pretty real with those I do have involvement with.

 

Wow... Did you read his comment as condescending?

Brutally honest in my mind is an excuse to tell someone your unfavourable opinion of someone such as "you are getting fat, if I may be brutally honest". Or "I'm going to be brutally honest, you will never make it"... Kind of like what you've done above like "I'm going to take your feelings out of account and tell you what I think".

Maybe that's why mr vanilla made his comment?

But I have been absent awhile and do not know whatever has gone down so I might be wrong.