Breaking Up After 5 Years

Hello, I am a 30 year old woman from Slovenia. I've been in a relationship with a former colleague, L.. He used to work in the economic sector of the office where I worked as a secretary.
We fell in love and he became my boyfriend. From the very first we realized how different we are than one another. Too different. No interests in common. Very little conversation and lots of arguments because we were so mystified by the incompatibility of our characters.
I have to underline that the reason why we are in a relationship is because we have a very passionate sex life. Only sexually we are totally compatible. But all the rest is a tragedy; he's so authoritative and I am so sweet, patient and sensitive. And consequently, submissive. He wants to have the last word in everything.
He always screams and screams. He says I am too cold...and he drinks because I don't make him feel loved and desired. Because of this, he is often drunk on weekends and consequently, his moments of soberness are rare
In this last year the situation got worse and worse. I wish I had a sweet, sensitive and calm boyfriend....but I never have. And yet I love him so much because of those moments of tenderness he has been giving to me
But maybe if we broke up, he could find a woman he really loves and with whom he shares the same interests. And I would find someone as sweet and romantic as me
Our situation is unsustainable because he works and lives in Trieste, now....80 km away from my city. so we see each other only once a week
I am terribly afraid. I am afraid of repenting, after I dump him. I am afraid of finding nobody or being with a guy I don't love enough. I really love him...but he's making my life a nightmare with his authoritativeness

 

Helga, from my own experience,

I dated my ex girlfriend for 6 years and as much as ending that relationship hurt I ended up finding the real woman of my dreams a couple of months later as she had been my best friend for a long time.

I haven't regretted ending things with my ex, I am now content and truly happy.

 

If you aren't having a happy relationship then I don't think it's worth staying in the relationship even if this fella was like the sex God on earth.

Now you're only a couple of years older than me and I know for a fact that you've got a lot left in your tank, so you need to do what's right and end this if that's what you think is best. But then don't dwell on it, you need to focus on the light and the positives. Young woman, you'll find another man easy. a better one too.

 

Helga,

Get out of that relationship now. Alcohol and a bad temper are a bad combination. You could get hurt.

Plenty of potential lovers out there. And you could find amazing sex with many of them.

Move on, sister.

 

Mmmmmmmm hmmmmmmm

 

You're so right. But the fear of repenting is what prevents me from taking this decision.
It's just that I still love him...and after I dumped him, I would feel so guilty, knowing that he suffers because of me.
and he's so good at making me feel guilty. He always did that.
It would be great if he dumped me...so I wouldn't feel guilty and I would immediately move on.

Another great fear is to find someone who doesn't love me as he did...or that he dumps me, and then I would miss my ex boyfriend.
Besides, I have no male friends. I never have. I am so shy, and I would never chase men, so finding another man would be incredibly difficult. I am not even good at making men understand that I like them.

Sometimes my female friends say I shouldn't complain and that I expect too much from him.they have always dissuaded me from breaking up with him-

But thanks for your words. They give so much strength and hope.

 

Just to let you know what kind of person we are talking about: I want to make you read two phone messages of today:

I typed: """Listen, it is better not to see each other for a while, so you can understand if you really love me or not. Maybe you deserve better. A woman that understands you better than I could ever do. """"

He replied """" The only reason why you want some freedom is because you wanna see new guys. You are nothing but a s*ut. You make me sick""""

obviously I summed up the two messages, also because I had to translate them from Slovenian

 

Wow! I hope you can chalk up the last 5yrs as a learning experience and move on.

 

All I will say is this - You will never find the right person if you are with the wrong person.

Life is short, break up with him and start dating yourself. Trust me, it will be worth it in the end.

 

Yesterday I talked to Funnylizzy,...you know, the guy from Sweden. He was so kind and empathetic to me. I explained him the situation, underlining how bossy and screaming my boyfriend has always been. He understood that his anger is just insecurity and maybe fear of losing me. He told me that maybe he feels ignored, given that I never react to his screams. And he guessed. My boyfriend always reproaches me that I don't love him enough
That's why I feel so guilty. That's my fault. He became so full of anger because of my coldness.
If so, I would feel incredibly guilty if I dumped him

 

I totally understand that a bad relationship is not one person or the other persons fault completely, I also understand that a toxic relationship where one or both parties are not willing to look at their behaviour (especially abusive) is just not worth it.
If he feels ignored, that is not your responsibility! If he feels like he is going to lose you, maybe he should self evaluate! "I don't love him enough" sounds very much like emotional abuse, where your guilt is his motive.

I wish you all the best Helga. The fact that you are talking about it all makes me think that you will leave when you are ready.

 

thank you, sister. I wish you the best too....

 

Helga, the fact he's resorting to personally attacking you it's time to cut him loose. I may not know you but you deserve a lot better than this guy.
It's time to move on and seek someone who will love you for you and respect you. It's clear he doesn't. This guy sounds a lot like my ex girlfriend and seems to have the same kind of issues. I went through the same you did until it took the woman I'm now with to jolt me into reality.

 

He sounds abusive and manipulative. Breaking up with someone like that only hurts for a couple of weeks, then you'll be amazed at how exponentially better you feel.

 

My mom was in a relationship like that. My mom's dead.

 

well...I appreciate...but I am not good at starting over and finding a new boyfriend. After all these weeks, I've been realizing how much I love him. And maybe, if I had made him feel more desired and more wanted, he wouldn't have turned into a bossy abusive partner.
He thinks I am shallow just because the only moments in which I am sweet and giving, are when we sleep together. I never kissed or hugged him first...he always did that first. this makes me a cold person,
I've always thought that we women never make mistakes, but I was wrong. I want to try to understand him better...and if he still wants me, I won't lose this last chance. I hope we can forgive each other and start over again. Maybe if he quit drinking, things would be much better.
Thanks, anyway. Your empathy gives me strength.

 

Helga,

Take this from a 57 year old woman who knows. I was in a married abusive relationship. They don't quit drinking and they don;t stop with the verbal and physical abuse. Don't put yourself through guilt and pain. Don't put yourself at risk. There is nothing wrong with you. Get out of an abusive relationship. You are a whole new woman and the posibllities for you will be endless!

 

Hello,

that is no reason not to act. In fact, I think it's a really bad advice to stick together just because it's hard to find someone else.

I don't know you guys, but in my opinion there is only one answer: no. Either he fully knows what he does or he has his own troubles and he doesn't realise what the outcome of his behaviour is. In both cases, you shouldn't be involved. And no, you can't change him.

All in all that is a dismal outlook or at least it is not what you want to hear, I think. It is your decision in the end, but keep in mind, what people in this thread said.

Regards
Gyro

 

Helga !
Only Your heart Knows the Answer !! None of us can tell you what to do only offer (best intended advice )
Your Heart Doesn't want to tell you but keep asking
It knows I promise you


Good Luck Mate I feel your Pain

 

If you can focus on your dreams and desires and act in ways that bring you closer to them, you will be a happier and more fulfilled person. I agree with Mallyboppa, use your heart as a compass to chart your course. Good luck