Breaking Step-Parent "rules"?

So not that I pay attention but I was reminded today for the 2nd time in about half a year on the "step-parenting rules".

Basically there are only 3 main ones that always get brought up:

#1. Don't bash the biological parent you're in place of.
#2. Don't discipline them like they are yours.
#3. Don't try and replace their biological parent.

So that's all well and good but I've always felt this is a generalization and doesn't cover the big 3 issues many children face in divorced situations:

#1. Biological parent is a deadbeat.
#2. Biological parent has not and doesn't care to build relationship.
#3. Biological parent is a terrible role-model.

Now I'll clarify what I mean by #1 and #3 since all of the above seem to line up with the dead-beat moniker. Being a deadbeat is simply not being able to support for your children financially and being unable to spend time with them. Whereas #2 is flat-out dismissal as when the parent IS spending time with them they are not actually interested. While #3 is whether the individual himself is a person you could understand taking the children out of the equation (like the busy businessman, etc).

So I know how these things play out and the whole "he said/she said" trype but try and believe I know the full story. Because I do. It's not this intricate tapestry where a lot of variables exist. It's pretty cut and dry, like so:

Biological Dad
*Makes money by doing landscaping and growing pot in his house.
*Has had medical license to grow pot but was not renewed due to a lot of missing information.
*Used the medical pot cover to also sell a heap of other narcotics, including crack.
*Spends most of his money on cocaine, which he does not sell.
*Rarely pays child support, when he does it's laughable amounts like $40.
*Skips visitations routinely.
*Feeds children bags of chips and forces them to stay in room and watch movies when he does have them.
*Does not allow children to see neighbourhood kids because it means he has to watch them.
*Chronic pot user who values getting high above all else, which is why the two above.
*Promises to do something "fun" with the kids every time he picks them up as they wouldn't want to go otherwise.


He HAS a house. His ex-wife (who I'm dating) just gave it to him to get away. That's right, IT WAS HER HOUSE. She made the down payment when they were dating because she got pregnant and didn't want to raise a child alone so she dragged his ass. Now, I won't count this because I can never know for sure but according to her she was going to break up with him and she believes he had heard about it and used broken condoms. Although I have serious issue with this as why would she be sleeping with him but I've known many women who sleep with a guy they're getting ready to dump before they actually do it.

Anywho, I was actually pretty neutral with the children when I started dating her but I gradually started doing stuff with them because growing up without a father myself I felt bad for the kids and they are truly wonderful children (as in, they listen, they're intelligent, respectful and thankful).

Now, I suppose starting maybe 8 or so months ago I basically took over in the father role and didn't think anything of it because I had a step-dad for a few years and he was great and just filled that role. I set rules and discipline them when I feel it necessary (which is basically not giving them a treat or taking them out as planned because they did something bad, etc). I don't get any animosity from them. As far as putting down their deadbeat father, I just basically tell the truth when certain things are brought up like why he doesn't see them as often or why he doesn't do anything with them. I really don't think this is an issue and they've done amazing at school this past year whereas they had emotional issues prior. The example here would be like this:

Child: " Why does *insert name* make promises and never keeps them? "
Me: " Because he's a liar and it's easier to make promises than doing them. "

Child: " Why does *insert name* smoke so much? "
Me: " Because he's lazy. "

Child: " *inset name* tried to feed us soggy McDonalds for dinner and I said I didn't want to but he said it was that or nothing "
Me: " He's being a jerk and you don't have to go to his house if you don't want to. "


And so forth. Now, to that last one, they rarely want to go to his house. For example, he's called and said something to the effect of maybe taking them on the weekend and they reply "you don't have to". Several times only one of the kids have gone and for a while they were taking turns since neither wanted to go but felt guilty, because.......he guilt trips the shit out of them to come, liiiike, making promises and not doing shit.



So, did I really break any rules or am I just doing the right thing here?

 

When i take a flight thats more than 6 hrs, I usually just take carry on, becuase when the flight is over, last thing I want to do is stand around and wait for excess baggage

 

Going to assume you mean it's too much effort to do anything when I might go date someone else?I

I know my OP was long but the jist of it was that I had become an "intrusive" step but that I personally didn't see it that way. The bar by the deadbeats is usually set low.

 

I read the whole OP. I get what you're saying. I understand how you feel...but....you are answering those questions inappropriately...regardless of whether you're being truthful. I don't feel like typing it all out right now but the attitude in those responses will possibly blow up in your face later and...at the very least...may have consequences that you never intended and may or may not even be around to experience later. There are better ways to answer those questions. I also don't agree with those "rules" as set-in-stone "rules".

Edit to say...it's not that I don't "feel like" typing it out right now. It's more like...I have something to do soon and don't have time. I'll check back later.

 

What i really meant is that what is most likely to happen is you will try and try, but then it will all get to the point where the last straw breaks the camels back and you are like fuck this shit.....especially as you are male, why date this one when you can date one ten years younger that doesnt have the baggage

 

Well, we were friends before we started dating. Plus her kids are fairly young.

Like in my situation growing up, it could just as well end up that I go long stretches without seeing the kids because I'm travelling and as you say dating someone else. However I would hope like in my case, they would recognize I was there for them when their father wasn't. It's kinda like getting presents from assistance, etc. I mean, you would have liked to get presents from family but you're happy you got presents....

I know that sounds horrible but try and look at it like having something in place of nothing.

The only way it blows up is if the deadbeat magically pulled a 180 and became a great human being, in which case most of what I said would be forgotten anyway. I have worked with kids in the past and find telling them the truth even if it's somewhat unpleasant to hear, works out better than lying. Of course I might have a hidden agenda in that I don't want them growing up feeling their dad had legitimate reasons to abandon them and not give a shit. I really hate that. My father was actually a very successful man, but just chose another family. When he repeatedly tried to come back and build a relationship I rightfully told him to forget about it.

To be clear, I've been friends with this woman and known the children a total of 4 years. They are 8 and 9 right now. I'm going to do my best to stay in their lives regardless of what happens with me and their mom because I just feel that way because of my upbringing. They know that I came in as their mom's friend and love them too and genuinely want them to enjoy life and teach them what I know. I know for most it seems hard how this all works out but I assure you it's a very unique situation and I don't talk to them like most parents. To give an idea, when the son got a cavity, I showed him a video on tooth decay and took him to a dentist's office to have more details sprung on him, I also told him how easy it was if he just brushed and that if he didn't want to that was okay as long as he was fine with his teeth falling out and chewing food with his gums. Kid brushes his teeth twice daily no problem. Same with hand washing, I told him he could always be eating poo if he has dirty hands.

 

No offense but....that might be unique for you because you've recently found yourself in this situation but for the rest of us who have been doing this for a couple of decades or more....that's just called being a parent.

As far as it blowing up later....I don't mean they will all of the sudden take his side and rebel against you and their mom (although that's not uncommon at all....as remote as it may seem right now). What I mean is....kids don't always see things the same way adults do and we can unintentionally make the situation harder for them AND they more than likely won't tell you how what you say makes them feel. One reason is because they may feel a certain way and not understand it and, on top of that, not have the vocabulary and logic (and nerve) to express themselves.

I'm not saying that you're wrong about the dad. I'll take your word that he's a total deadbeat. But think about it this way....no matter how much of a deadbeat he is.....he's still their dad and they want him to be a good person. It's no fault of theirs that they naturally want something positive for him and from him. But they seem to be getting negativity from him. Now.....you enter and want to be a positive factor in their lives. Great and I applaud you for stepping up but.....when you say negative things about someone they love (regardless of his character) it will affect them in a negative way and it's very unlikely that a 7 or 8 yr old is going to tell you how you just made them feel.

For instance....saying "Because he's a liar and it's easier to make promises than keep them". You're completely right but you're only adding to their internal conflict. You're just introducing more negativity. They don't need you to tell them he's a liar. They don't need you to tell them he's lazy. They will eventually come to that conclusion all by themselves and when they do....it will be them hanging that label on him. It would be sufficient to answer with "Sometimes people say they're going to do something and, for whatever reason, they don't do it. I'm sorry it didn't work out". They may ask "Why didn't he do what he said?" If you say "Because he sits around smoking crack all day!"....that adds to the negativity. If you say "I don't really know what he had going on that day"...you're being truthful and not adding to the negative equation.

The trick to being a step-parent is not replacing someone else. It's being an addition to their lives. They don't need another person coming in and adding to the fucked up shit in their lives. They will gravitate towards someone who they feel good being around. They will probably eventually come to the same conclusion about their dad but it's better to let it be their opinion...all in due time.

I hope that all makes sense. You sound like a good dude but I think you can do a great job if you think about what you're saying before you say it.

 

They clearly have a deadbeat dad, but psychologically it would be a lot better for them if you didn't put down their father like that. I think disciplining them and taking on the father role is perfectly fine. And if they are doing better now than ever before then you are clearly doing a pretty good job.

Telling them their father is lazy, doesn't care and is a jerk though? It's not good for a kid to hear that about their dad. I think that is crossing a line. I know it must be really hard and possibly even upset you to hear these things and know that asshole doesn't care, but could you imagine if someone told you your dad didn't care about you?

 

If you call their father names and put him down when they ask...they will grow to hate you. Calling their father a liar, lazy and a jerk is wrong on so many levels.


Child: " Why does *insert name* make promises and never keeps them? "
Me: "Some people have a hard time keeping promises, it's not the best way to be but it does happen."

Child: " Why does *insert name* smoke so much? "
Me: " You may want to ask your dad that question, I do not know "

Child: " *inset name* tried to feed us soggy McDonalds for dinner and I said I didn't want to but he said it was that or nothing "
Me: "Maybe he can't cook. Next time we'll send over peanut butter, jelly and bread for you "

It is not your place to tell those kids they do not have to see their father if they don't want. The more respect you have when speaking of their dad, the more they will grow to respect you. They'll figure out the type of man he is on their own....as the type you are as well.

 

In my experience this is overblown. I fully comprehend and yes was told that my father didn't care. He chose another family. I just accepted it. What probably helped me was that I was 2 when my parents separated and did have a great step-dad in what are often cited as problem years from 8-12. I also grew up with several father-less children who had the same type of outlook. Essentially, don't care about people not willing to care about you, and be grateful for what you DO have. I think when children take terible fathers to heart is when their mother is absent or they lack friends. They then feel alone, which I didn't.

Those are (not to be offensive) apologist answers. If I can cook for the kids or at least supply them with decent meals from the store, so can he. I'm not setting the bar low for him.

As for the bolded, I discussed this with the mother. We both agree he's a detriment to the children and if THEY don't want to see him, they really don't have to. The only reason they ever go is because of the tree-house in the backyard that my girlfriend built for them and fake promises of taking them out to a water park, etc. They don't believe him anymore so that's not a ticket for him anyway. We're essentially past the visitations. So I'm not going to make it seem like he's part of their lives when he doesn't want to be and is a negative emotionally.

Look at it this way, I knew where my father was and I knew he wasn't going to be part of my life. My mother never made excuses for him and she didn't have to. Don't you think it's worse to tell a kid their deadbeat father is just too busy or has good reasons not to see them so when they grow up they'll give him a free pass for being a terrible parent? Cause I've seen that movie and it's wrong on so many levels.

 

I'm not sure why you asked if you are just going to argue back that everything you are doing is fine. Just because you and a few other people you know were ok in that situation does not make every person the same. You don't know and can't possibly know what sort of affect that will have on the kids until later in life, so why take the freaking risk of fucking them up?

 

I am very glad they have someone looking out for them the way you do though. It sounds like you are doing a pretty awesome job with them either way and I think that's pretty commendable when they aren't your kids.

 

Maybe I should have stated some things in the OP that I didn't because I was so focused on how poor excuse of a human being this guy is.

1. These kids look at me as their father. When asked by their friends or teachers, etc, they refer to me, never him.
2. When it's father's day or christmas, they make stuff for me, never for him.
3. Literally everything I've done in taking them out, whether movies, amusement park, sporting events, registered programming, the deadbeat hasn't done any of these things. It's sad I know.


So basically, I know where people are coming from in these situations but you have to look at it from their perspective as them essentially not having a father, then they get me and I do everything a good father should do. They were not old enough to hae any development with him as I didn't have any development with my biological father. It's the same story as how I viewed and told people my step-dad was my dad.

 

Again...I commend you for your effort but...again...I think you're being naive if you think this is all going to have some perfect storybook ending. It may be like that one day but if you think it's right now....you have no idea the amount of issues you're going to face in the future. And.....you know what? It shouldn't be like that. But it will be what it will be and if you want to be something different...great...but you're going to have to ride this out. It may feel thankless at times. You're right to do it but it's probably going to get much more challenging in the future. I'm telling you this from experience. I'm not just making this shit up. You sound like a good guy who has the heart to pull it off but you should understand what this all means and it isn't easy to see in the beginning.

 

Thank you very much for all these quick feedback guys. I hope you don't find me too defensive.

I don't feel thankless. I find the big difference between my situation and others is that these children have no serious memories with their biological father. As I've stated, I have basically done everything a father is expected to do and they've known me from a young age (4 & 5) so when I've talked to child psychiatrists and social workers they've told me that it's a lot like an adoption scenario where the kids grow up looking at me as the father but knowing I'm not biologically their father. Of course with adoption both parents are not "real", in this case their mother IS their mother. I know they're still young but they recognize that I didn't really grow up with a father period (8-12 with step) and I always talk highly of my mother and other mothers. So while I know I'm setting myself up to look at it as sunshine and roses but growing up in that situation myself I know it's very possible.

Not to turn this into a racial thing but a lot of black children in America grow up without fathers and in many cases they LOVE their mothers. They basically put all their emotion into the one parent. That's really the case here but that I also serve as a father figure. The only issue right now is when I go away for business, they become very upset when I'm gone for like a week.

 

I would still watch what you say about their father no matter what, but it sounds like you are doing a really good job. Those kids are lucky to have you in their lives.

 

My mom and dad regularly trashed each other after divorce, what my mom did stuck out more though.
I have an unusual name which is also long, when she would introduce me to people she would have me recite my full name. After telling the stranger my full name she would say "her dad named her that because he is a crack head" it destroyed my confidence because I am half of him.
My dad is a piece of crap but she really did not have to remind me of that all the time.

I don't talk to my dad, and I have a strained relationship with my mom.

Next time put things delicately with the kids, protect them they don't need more crap in their heads.