Bisexual or a Lesbian - Please help

Discussion in 'Lesbian' started by SusanB, Jul 18, 2013.

  1. SusanB

    SusanB Guest

    Hello everybody!

    I'm 24 years old and I'm new here.
    I have been reading the forum and I really like that there is such a big site where people can debate and help each other dealing with the fact that we are somewhat different than the norm (I hate that word).
    I'm from Portugal so my native language is not English so I apologize in advance for my writing skills.
    I'm in need of a bit of advise and though that maybe you can help me sort this out.
    I have been arguing with myself for years with the question “Am I bisexual or a lesbian?”. I really would like to truly know this because I'm a bit of a control freak and I like to know what to expect in life.

    My history is:
    When I was 12 years old I started to become interested in what sex was. I read about it and watched a lot of sex videos. I usually get aroused by the man body and apparently nothing was “wrong”. However I fall in love with a female teacher and at the time I really didn't put to much attention in it because in my point of view it was something so strange and forbidden that I really didn't want to know what was what I was feeling. This went for more than a year.
    After this I met an old rock star (I have been with him in person less than 10 times) and I believed myself in love again however nowadays I questioned myself if it was really love or just a great admiration, a person who I saw as an inspiring role model. Like a teen crush with someone who is a lot older and inaccessible. I also doubt my feelings for him because when I usually imagined a life with him who I saw more often as her girlfriend was not me but my mother and I was not jealous with that though. I felt like he was hot and had apparently a perfect personality and just have him in my life everyday will be awesome. Now I feel that maybe I saw him a little like a parent figure. Also I have to admit that I truly didn't know him, he was not like my teacher who I saw everyday. This huge crush lasted about 2 years.
    When I was 15 years old I started dating a lot of boys and experimenting the usual staff. I felt aroused and excited and I liked doing things with them but I never fall in love with them, not even a crush, not even truly liked any of them. It was about that time that I lose my virginity and explored straight sex a bit. But this ended pretty quickly because I could not allowed myself to continued with a guy who I just felt friendship and also the sex wasn't that good. I begun to felt that something was amiss.
    I slowed down and decided that I will try to only date guys who I felt something. The next 2 years I dated sporadicallly and almost didn't do anything with them (I guess I only did things because I was desperate to have human contact and not because I felt something for the guys).
    About this time I have two crushes for two of my female friends, however I still refused myself to acknowledge my feelings.
    It was when I was 17 that “the world literally ended”. I fall heed over heels in love with another teacher who at the end of the year become a friend outside school (she was 23 and prefered to hang out with us and not with the other teachers who were a lot older). We formed a normal friendship, the year after I was not her student anymore, who ended when I couldn't contain my feelings anymore and told her (she already had suspicions because it was obvious, my friends at the time were always saying that it was written all over me). She was straight, didn't like at all and shut me out of her life. It hurt a lot, I felt that my life was over and took me 2 years to forget her.
    Now I finally had to admit to myself that I have feelings for girls and that I'm not straight at all.
    I started to analize all my life until that point and I saw the signs, the crushes, all the things that had always been there and I didn't want to see.
    I assumed myself as Bi to everyone and begun exploring LGBT things (movies, books, gay bars, etc). It was at this time that I discovered that women turn me on a lot and that I were not only turned on by the girls that I have had feelings but women in general. The first girl that I kissed (I don't really liked her) but I enjoyed the kiss, it was somewhat better than when I kissed boys and the woman body felt really good to the touch.
    I experimented a bit, dated a woman briefly (I had a crush on her) and finally met the girl who will be my first girlfriend. It was a marvellous relationship. For the first time in my life I knew what was not only love but been loved in return and it were 2 years of my life that I will never forget. She completed me. I felt full. But problems arrived and in the end she dumped me. It was the worst pain that I had ever felt, it took me years to forget her and it was only last year that I could truly moved on with my life.
    It was during this time that I begin to feel that I need to know what I truly am.
    I can tell that I have crushes on famous man and woman (inaccessible people like actors) and get aroused watching love scenes of both of them but I have to confess that the girls scenes turn me on more. I also noticed that I can feel sexually attracted by both men and women that I see around in the street however the men had to be a lot more handsome than the girl to catch my attention (the girls that I had loved were not what is considered beautiful). I begin to think that maybe it is the time to try dating guys again for a change. However when I imagine myself with a man I cannot see the “whole picture” unless the guy is one of the impossible inaccessible crushes. When I imagine myself with a “normal” person I feel that I only can feel fulfilment in every aspect with a girl. Maybe it was because I never fall in love with a man in spite of how hard I tried for years for that to happen. The truth is I had always ended head over heels in love with women against my will and it was always a feeling very very intense.
    I don't know if the facts that I'm going to list bellow really matter but I will put a few things people usually say to me about what it is that out me as not straight:

    I was a tomboy until I was 16 years old and more than once I was mistaken for a boy. Until that age I dint't really had any sense of fashion and I only got that with the help of two gay friends.
    I hate shopping for clothes, I rarely wear make up. I'm not butch but I'm not femme either. I can dress girly one day and I can dress more masculine in the other. With girly clothes I felt more confident but with the others I felt more comfortable. It really depends on my mood in the day and the level of my laziness.
    I hate the fact that people tend to judje you by your appearance when I don't like to have to care for it.
    I did sports, mainly basketball.
    I don't polish my nails and I hate beauty products.
    People say that my way of walking, hold things, eat, drink, etc are not feminine.
    My ring finger is a lot bigger than my index.

    In conclusion I feel that I can feel physical attraction and do things with both genders but I only could involve myself emotionally with a women. I always felt that it was a wall between myself and men. Something that don't allow myself to fall in love. Something that is missing. It never become more than physical.

    P.S. I don't know if you are aware of the interview Ellen Degeneres gave to Oprah when her came out, where she explains how she feels toward women and men. I feel a lot like her.

  2. MissHawk

    MissHawk Guest

    Hello Susan,

    I just joined the forums to help people like you, who needs a lot of advise and needs someone to talk to. Luckily, I love talking about problems and helping other people solve them and be there for them through-out everything basically. So I'm quite a helpful and very friendly person, therefore I'll be more than happy to help you...

    I have more than ALOT in common with you and your situation (about your ex-girlfriend breaking up and dumping you and god I am so so sorry to hear that. My ex just did the same with me a few days ago after being together for 2,5 years, and I'm struggling so freaking much....)

    After everything I read about your sexual arousment (please forgive me if I am being very forward here) you are definitely bisexual, but you just prefer to be with women since you feel that you have more in common with them than you do with guys. Of course there's a big advantage of being with a woman than being with a guy, because we understand each other in so many ways especially emotionally, that guys do not and will never understand either. Anywho, it seems that you are sexually more turned on by the women than with guys.

    Some bisexual girls prefer being with men, some prefers to be with women. Out of everything you've explained, you definitely prefer being with a woman in your life than with a man (especially emotionally as you explained).

    But if you can't emotionally be with a man and have feelings for a guy, then I think he (who ever it is) is just not the right one for you. I think that you're the kind of girl who would only emotionally be able to emotionally attach yourself to a guy if you were truly in love with the guy. But if not then ugh... It's kind of hard to say that you're a lesbian due to being sexually turned on by the male body parts. So that definitely makes you bisexual.

    Also, about you not being a total butch and not being totally feminime either is called being a "chapstick lesbian". I am also a chapstick lesbian by not being a total butch, but not feminime either. I don't like wearing make-up because it feels like I have mud in my face lol...
    I prefer natural beauty by any day, even when I was with my ex-girlfriend, I prefered her without make-up because I loved seeing her for who she is... That's just the kind of person I am. I don't believe in make-up makes you look beautiful more beautiful than your own natural beauty. I believe that natural beauty is the true beauty, than girls wearing make-up. Unfortunately, many girls feels ugly and uncomfortable when they don't wear make-up. I always try my best to prove them wrong. No one should hide their natural beauty... There's nothing more beautiful than showing off who you really are and how you look like, and then be "accepted" and loved for it. There is no greater feeling for girls who feels dependable on make-up. Glad to see you aren't like that though ^^

    But as I mentioned before... I have been in your shoes as well about the whole tomboy, sports, crushes parts. I was just about 8 - 11 when I used to be a complete tomboy. (I'm still a tomboy, but I used to be very masculine and manly when I was little and no, not a butch. Never been one and never will, not that there's anything wrong with that of course ^^ )

    I'm very sorry to hear about your teacher acting like a total dick to you, you didn't deserve that, no matter how long ago it was. I've had some kid-crushes on my teachers as well back when I was younger, so once again, I have a lot in common with you, therefore I can "feel with you" and understand where you're coming from and why I am so open and willing to reach out for you (even though you're older than me :p) to help you with an open-mind and open heart. :)

    Please feel free to add me on skype or whatever, if you would like me to talk to you and help you whenever you need someone to talk to that understands you and what you've been going through... :)

    Kind regards,

    Edit: Just a quick FYI, I thought you might like to know this because of Ellen. She is also a chapstick lesbian... ^^

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