Bi married...secret

Marriage is all about trust and working through your problems....and love. If you take those three things for granted, maybe you're not mature enough to be married Going out and blatantly cheating helps nothing. Unless you count gratifying yourself. If you wanna have sex with a man, ASK your wife for a threesome. Don't go out and cheat. And I don't appreciate my views being called emo. Millions of people with ya know.......morals, like Sarah and the other people in this thread agree. I don't know what your problems are and I'm not gonna pretend, but again, stabbing your wife in the back hurts WAY more than helps.

Edit: And about what you said to Sarah earlier: Who gives a shit if she's 20? Age is just a number. You can be 50 and be an immature prick or you can be 20 and very wise. Sarah's a smart and very mature chick, IMO. You're sitting here whining at the age of 35 because people dislike the fact that you cheated. You are making excuses. You are the one who couldn't talk to your wife about your problems which is what REAL LOVERS do and instead cheated. Quit trying to justify being an ass and just own the fuck up, already.

 

Oh...heck. Listen, I don't want to sound like I'm pro-cheating; I'm not. And those of you who are bi and have posted here, obviously you know much more than me about this, so I appreciate your being here.

I guess I just think it's a difficult place to be. Everyone wants unconditional love, but for bisexual people there's a sexual element that can't be fixed by one person. I've always wondered how bisexual folks deal with it, and I'm interested in the conundrum p2j's in.

We don't know the full story, and I think I feel a little like lots of us are deciding what he's like before we really know. I don't know what he's like; I don't even know what kind of conversations he's had with his wife. I do like the idea of this forum being a place where people can go sometimes and not get judged.

I'm really not trying to fight anyone or dis anyone, I swear. I am, though, trying to talk to p2j without being influenced by my own life, including the one time my bf cheated on me and I hate that guy. (Seriously - a fireman? So cliched! GAH I can't believe I feel for "We were just talking"! lol)

I think it would be really cool if folks posted here about how they've dealt with traditionally monogamous relationships when they're bisexual people, that's all. I think that would be useful. Can't we all agree that they're difficult, and can't we all think that talking about them is helpful?

*grin* I'm also kinda tipsy right now and I just want to hug everyone - sorry if this was a little mushy.

 

Wow. I honestly dislike you on a huge level.

I'm Bi, and I was with one guy for 2 years, then another for 4 years, and now I'm with the man I'm going to marry. You make that choice when your Bi to be with someone regardless of if they can give you everything you like. You pick them because something about them makes you stop and think that you could be happy with them, just them, for the rest of your life.

I notice that you didnt answer my questions, which tells me that on some small level you feel bad for what your doing. I really hope you choose to be honest with your wife, because I know if I were her I would want to know, and yes if I were her you could consider yourself divorced.

Just because your wife didn't want to share you doesnt mean she doesnt accept you for who you are. My boyfriend is wonderful, and respects women in a way that I've never seen before, does that mean I'm ok with sharing him because I know that he loves women? Hell. NO.

I think it's funny that to begin with you judged me because I'm 20, when IMHO I'm way more mature then you are, because I have come to terms with the fact I'm Bi and conduct myself with respect towards my partner.

The fact you have her clean up cum stains from your....affairs honestly makes me sick.

That being said, I'm done with this thread, it's clear to me that your in denial about being a cheating cocksucker.

 

jordan, my problem with your posts is that you seem to assume that I don't love my wife, and that there's no possiblility that there exists outside the boundries of "you should" and "you must" any sort of grey area. And that you assume a position without even asking to clarify, if you think I've not been clear. Apologize for dismissing your opinions (though you seem more than willing to dismiss mine), but honestly, you've made no effort to converse, only to declare your opinion. Age being a number is a cliche...because, though there are plenty who've seen different things in limited years, the way you experience things at 20 is much, much different than the way you experience things later, because you have accumulated information. I'm sorry if that sounds like I'm trivializing how you see things, but I guess that's a reaction to you thinking you know everything about everything without even making the slightest effort to sort the particulars. Sermonizing to me about what 'real lovers' do is off-putting because you have, comparitively, next to no experience about it (though I'm sure you've had deeply felt relationships--no sarcasm, really, I believe and regard that). Are you married? Odds are you won't be for long...it's a coin-flip, especially the younger you do it. I'm stabbing my wife in the back? Because I'm not sucking her dick? And to something you said earlier, if I found out she was having an affair, it matters more to me, personally, why she was having it. I've seen her getting fucked by another man (with a bigger dick), and heard about others. But I understand the difference between lust and love, and that one doesn't mean the other.

Molly, that's what I was hoping for, rather than a referendum on cheating. If I can facillitate that discussion by saying I'm a terrible person, fine: I'm a terrible person. OK?

 

what questions? what the hell "I make her clean up..."? you're making up your own story. And as you use cocksucker as a slur, great, get lost. You and your amazing boyfriend enjoy your superiority, and after you break up you can comfort yourself with it.

 

Im out til friday, so please don't take it personally if I don't reply til then.

 

You only get this one life so do what makes you happy, and don't care what others think. Your sexual preferences are your own so act on them. There is one person that does have the right to judge, and that is your wife, she is a part of your life as much as anything can be. She has the right to judge whether she is ok with your hook ups or not, what you do also affects her.

Peace

 

If you really believe you have no reason to feel guilty and that you're not doing something wrong, you would tell her. May I ask why you haven't? What are you afraid of? That she'd leave you? People don't like to be lied to. You are a liar and a prick. Imho.

 

Just tell your wife that you need men in your sex life. She will either accept it, or not.

If my husband was going to gloryholes for a little action on the side he would be single in short order. He is welcome to do anything he wants sexually, that is his choice. It is my choice to not accept cheating in our relationship. If he cheated on me and lied about it he has taken away my ability to live in a monogamous relationship. We did discuss this in depth before we started dating seriously so there are no surprises.

It is unlikely that anyone is going to offer up some helpful "cheating 101" tips because so many people are hurt by infidelity. If you are looking for less hostility maybe post on a gay or bi forum. There are also groups like cruisingforsex that have many men in your same situation. Based on the responses so far you will not get the answer you want. Unless of course you were shooting for a flame fest, in which case mission accomplished. Cheating hurts a lot of people, and you cannot reasonably expect people to say "sure, go ahead" unless they have similar beliefs as you.

 

I tried to point out that p2jislam is pursuing conflicting goals. Anyone who pursues conflicting goals is going to make himself and those around him miserable, and fail to achieve either goal.

But to deal with his issue more specifically:

I don't pass any moral judgement on him for wanting sex outside his marriage. He passes moral judgement on himself, as evidenced by his attempts to hide his actions. Rights to privacy and self-determination are the first to be sacrificed in a marriage, whether it is monogamous or not. This is true not only because it is necessary to establish trust, but because both partners have a right to know what health risks they are accepting by being with each other.
So, in this case, guilt or fear over what p2jislam sees as immoral in his own actions has created a much greater moral wrong. If he did not feel that guilt or fear, he would be open with his wife about his activities and avoid the evil of gaining her consent to sex, and all the perils that are associated with it, by deceit.
This is akin to rape, and, if he should give her AIDS, murder. I will pass some judgement on that. This is not to say that he is an evil man. It is to say that what he is doing to his wife is evil. He should stop, and confess so that she can get tested.

 

I'm bi-sexual and in a relationship with a wonderful woman, but still sometimes want a man. I feel bad about hooking up with anyone so haven't done it but there are times that the feeling gets really strong and I think that one time I'll have to do it for the sake of my sanity. I don't think you can help the urges you get and sometimes they are just too strong to ignore.

 

I don't think you should ignore your desires. Stowing them away and pretending they don't exist just causes them to build up pressure, and then you probably will lose control of yourself. Losing control is, of course, no excuse. People who commit murder or rape children might feel the same sort of pressure from bottled desires that eventually over-powers them, but it doesn't mean they're off the hook for facing the consequences of their actions.
You have to deal with inappropriate or destructive urges the way every responsible adult does-- whether the urge is for the oblivion of drunkenness or destructive sex or another roll of the dice that could waste your kid's tuition fund: you admit that you've got the urge, admit that you're unable to control it by yourself, seek help from sympathetic friends, and rely upon your higher power.

You should be thankful for the urges, as they give you the opportunity to strengthen your will, to build mutually productive friendships with others, to find new honesty and intimacy in your relationship, and to grow closer to your Goddess or God.

Above all, you have to realize that this urge is part of who you are, and you have to love it and control it, just as if it was a part of your body. Every life has its challenges, and the struggle to develop will powered by love is one of the most rewarding.

Congratulations on the success you've had so far, and I wish you many more happy years.

 

I wasn't looking for cheating 101 tips, I was interested in talking with others in similar situations or of similar experience. I obviously made several mistakes in how/where I framed the conversation and in accepting the word 'cheating' as definitive--maybe it is, maybe it isn't. There is a good chance my wife would be open to this, but it's still frightening to contemplate the chance that she doesn't. I didn't want an "answer", either; I wanted a conversation about how others have handeled this, and why they handled it as they did.

 

I don't agree that marriage and sexual satisfaction are conflicting goals, or that I set the idea forth that wanting to be married and sexually fulfilled are mutually exclusive, despite the conflict of desire. I think I disagreed with your definition of marriage, that marraige requires a complete loss of the idea of self. I think I origially said I'd like to hear from people who've had similar experiences.

Rape, eh? Evil, huh? I think that's hyperbolic, but I obviously do feel guilty, which again is why I was looking to hear from others who've been in this situation or had the similar experience. As I said before, I plainly framed the discussion poorly.

 

I really disagree with your juxtapositions. People who commit murder and rape children are in no way, shape or form comparable to wanting sex outside of your marraige. At all.

Nor do I agree with your continued bedrock theory that complete sublimation of self and desire necessarily leads to a higher reward. One "should be thankful for" his urges, only in that they lead to "the opportunity to strengthen your will, to build mutually productive friendships with others, to find new honesty and intimacy in your relationship, and to grow closer to your Goddess or God"? What if by following those urges they lead to a happier and richer existence in this, the only life we know we have? Why does absitinence carry a greater reward than indulgence? Who are any of us to say "you'll be happier on your deathbed knowing you resistred temptation than you would be knowing the incredible (albeit momentary) pleasure of Experience X?"

Gotta go, thanks to everyone who replied

 

You have not addressed the issue that you are gaining your wife's consent to possibly unprotected sex by deceit. This is, again, akin to rape and, if you transmitted HIV to her, murder.
She needs to know.

 

Just a thought, if you wanted to have a open conversation about this and not get nailed for cheating of your wife you should have either put this thread in free love where there might (might being the key word, because most swingers are honest with each other, it's normally the only way to have a open relationship) people that think the same way you do.

 

SS, I "am gaining my wife's consent to possibly unprotected sex by deceit"? I don't know what that sentence means. Yes, unprotected sex would put she (and I) at great risk, if she or I had unprotected sex. Please explain how rape is anywhere near adultery. If she had unprotected sex, would she then be "raping" me, or is that a one-way transaction?

sarahrei, as I posted above, I obviously misplaced and mis-framed this converation (though I'm surprised about that); but thank you for trying to be civil.

 

I think he means that it's rape because of the whole "you have sex with whoever your partner has sex with" saying. And because you don't have your wifes consent to have sex with these men you are forcing them upon her without choice so to speak....TBH I'm a little confused by that too...

 

well, if that's a correct interpretation, I think that's an absolutely incorrect analogy (though I get the base question of safe sex). I'll assume that s/he never knew a rape victim. I understand how they could be related in abstract terms ("I didn't choose this"), but rape is way, way not the same game. To me, that analogy minimizes rape.

Yes, you're right about whoever...your partner. But to equate that with 'forcing them on her' is specious, and mis-analogous. And if I'm tested for x, y, and z every W number of months, regardless of sexual activity, does that resolve the ethical question? Meaning: if I'm clean, and my wife doesn't have a penis, and she represented complicity/acceptance pre-marraige (though showed eventual jealousy), am I cheating? I really don't know. [I wrote a bunch after this, but it was lost in cyberspace, and I gotta go]