I've recently come out of a 7 month relationship with one of my best friends. me and him have both identified as bisexual for years. however, we decided to end it after he discovered he was gay. i'm so happy for him to have discovered this, and I am proud of him. but it's started to make me think about my own sexuality. i realised i was bi when i was 13 and am now 21. i've been with girls, but predominantly (some real shitty) men and not in a penetrative sexual way. I've had vaginismus for a few years and have never "lost my virginity" in the classic old-school way. again, i thought nothing of this until i realised, i don't think i've enjoyed a lot of sex with men. have i climaxed? yes. but most of the time i want to end any sort of sexual act right after because i dont feel comfortable. i'm not selfish i just realise i'm not enjoying it. i understand that society has changed enough for sexuality labels to not matter as much anymore. but i want a label. i need it. am i bisexual? am i just over being with crappy men? do i need to go into hiding and adopt 20 cats and never leave my house? i don't know. and hey, maybe i could be bi, but i've found it HARD to find men that i do like. it's mainly the ones who are sort of like me or quite feminine. i dont know- any advice would be amazing
You sound quite young and very confused to me. Having lost a friend in the process, you are obviously going through a difficult period. Take a break from relationships for a while and enjoy the other aspects of your life. Just remember that the grass always looks greener in the next field, so don't go running around in circles. Here on HF, there are many threads about REALLY knowing your true orientation. Kathy (who moderates and look after the lesbian aspects), will undoubtedly give you some support and help if you post on any of the threads. In the meantime, put the order for the twenty cats on hold. One is all you need as a companion. Take care. Wills.
After reading what you wrote (and between the lines) I'd call you an "incipient Lesbian™". You're welcome. However, I think you'd be better served by some different advice--stop overanalyzing the fuck out of it and go with the flow. You're 21. Your sexuality is liable to change as you experience new things. Date some girls and see how you feel. Things will be more clear down the road.
Hi and welcome to Hip Forums! Hope you meet some cool people here. Sorry to hear your recent relationship has ended, even though it looks it ended on friendly terms, and you're supportive of his sexuality, which is great! Still when something comes to an end usually there is some sadness and I'll assume there was some here, even for both of you. Be sure to acknowledge whatever there is so you can cope with it and move on properly. The good of this breakup is your ex is now more sure of his homosexuality and free to move on in his social life as a gay guy. I wish the best for him and wish a lot of hot guys for him lol. Fortunately some good came out of it for you too, as it has made you think about your own sexuality. You're at the beginning of things and not sure about a lot, which is fine. As time goes on your feelings will be clearer...and then they might change and you might be left to figure things out again. Again that's fine. The one somewhat definite thing I'll say about bisexuality is it's not unusual to favor one gender over the other at any time. This happens with many bisexuals including myself. You mentioned vaginismus so I assume you feel comfortable talking about intimate aspects of your sexual life. Does this happen when you're with girls too? Don't necessarily answer this here. It might be a clue for you. I assume this post nut clarity, if I can use that phrase in your case, that you have experienced with guys doesn't occur with girls, or at least consistently. If it does, are the girls shitty? And why do you seem to wind up frequently with shitty guys? Have you ever had an overall pleasant time with a guy? Do you fantasize about being with guys? You strike me as someone who has a preference for the same sex but is open to both, a big assumption on my part. I've been assuming a lot here, so take everything I say here with a grain of salt! I guess that's somewhere on the bisexuality spectrum. My recommendation is if you see an attractive opportunity, consider it, and don't worry about what kind of label that might imply. Worry more about what kind of person you might be getting involved with. Maybe be open to one night stands if you're not already, just to explore the sexual part of yourself. Be careful of course!
Im so sorry this happend............ I hope you can find someone else for you Its OK to like the same sex................. Its beautiful really
One of my ex-girlfriends had vaginismus. Has your hymen been broken? Did your ex BF penetrate you? You may just need to take a pause and really get in touch with who you are.
I would recommend you consider finding a female therapist who is bi/queer/ lesbian or is an ally specializing in it? If you are in college, I guarantee they have counselors on campus. Also, bring up the vaginismus with your ob/gyn at your next regular appointment or better yet make an appointment. Tell the scheduler to let you talk to that practice's nurse or P.A. so you can get scheduled with the right doctor. You are not alone with this issue. It typically is solveable with vaginal dilators, gradually over time and with therapy. Sometimes it's psychological, sometimes it's physiological, and often it can be a combination of both? It's possible you have an untreated STI that makes penetration in uncomfortable, too? You might want to look into buying a thrusting dildo/ vibrator that has adjustable settings to acclimate yourself to it? It's also entirely possible you more strongly lean towards women on the Kinsey bisexuality scale, or might be a lesbian? Or as you said,you just met shitty guys? I highly suggest you look for some nerdy guys in technical fields, who might also be bi or "not straight" ? They might be a little shy and not as self confidant, but at the same token if you approach them in a friendly way, and after a couples dates, explain your issues with vaginismus, they'll be more likely to be kind, considerate and gentle, and help you work through it with your body? There is nothing "wrong with you" as a person. You are young, entering the prime start of adulthood. You will have some hits and misses with dating. Don't give up, there are doctors and therapists to help you process this. And there is some guy or gal that will make sex & dating a wonderful experience for you! Sending you Hugs!
I won't hand out labels or suggest what you may or may not be. I would say none of us in here, regardless of our backgrounds, could provide you with an accurate answer to this based on one post..... But that's not to say you should divulge further information to strangers on the internet, for your own privacy. That, and I'm not an expert in many fields, certainly not for your situation. But I am here to provide a little bit of advice that I think would be helpful to everyone. First, but not the most important, is that guys in general, usually in their teens and most of their 20s, are idiots. They lack experience in all things, just as women do at that age. We all spend flthe first 2 decades of our lives being told what to do. By parents, extended family, teachers, anyone older than us. By the time we move out on our own, that's when we finally start having the opportunity to think for ourselves. To figure out who we are. I've said to my friends often that our 20s are about us.we are in our prime at that time and usually handed the keys to our own independence. That's the time for us to do things on our own, make dumb decisions, and learn from them to solidify in our heads who we are and where we want to do in life. Many people will hit their early 20s and then jump right into a relationship, think marriage is the thing to do, and then start having babies. That's what our families tend to expect most of the time, yet another expectation by others and us being told what to do. The problem with that is once you do get married and have kids (if that's the direction that one goes towards in their life and orientation) all your focus is then on others once again, but this time towards kids and a partner. You lose that time to spend on yourself and develop / understand who you are..... And your partner is in the same boat. Another 20 or so years goes by and your kids finally move out and do the same thing. Now you're in your 40s or nearing them, and now you have the time for yourself, but you're also older. Your life has just been defined by those last 40 years. Going to the bars doesn't quite work like it would have. Drinking and doing stupid things doesn't make any sense..... And before you even got to this point in life, one often is bitter and angry at their partner, their kids, and themselves, thinking they missed out on something. Resentment ensues and everyone is miserable. I've had too many friends go down this path and their relationships ended because halfway through it all, someone did figure out who they were and what they wanted in life, but they're also tied to this other life they committed to several years back. Point is, I would recommend not rushing into any long term serious relationship at this stage in your life, regardless if it is with a man or woman. Early 20s?nobody knows shit, even I didn't. I went through some toxic relationships with girls myself, but those relationships helps me figure out what I didn't want in life and who I wanted to avoid. They led me to the life I am in now, with a partner I wanted to have in my life. Don't do what others expect you to do, or pressure you in anyway, because it's only you who has to live with the consequences afterwards. Do what you feel is right. You may still fuck up along the way, but at least you have no one to blame and can wear that mistake & learn, which makes it easier to get over. Secondly and more importantly, or at least just as important, the toxic and bad relationships / partners I had all came from times when I sought out a relationship. I went out purposely to find a partner and I ended up wasting several years with people who were a waste of my life. The partner I have now, we both weren't seeking anything at the time. We both needed breaks from the bad ones we just left. The relationship was first as friends and evolved into more naturally. I think that's the key. Seeking out a relationship gives a needy vivlbe that others can prey on. Let things grow organically and listen to your feelings. Listen to yourself and in turn, that will give you the answers you seek.... Both in who you want to be with, as well as what you identify as.
