Bi/gay men and suicide......

Suicide is a tragic waste of life, regardless of the sexuality of the individual who finally decides to give up the fight, to seek relief from heartache and frustration, and, tragically ends his life.

Suicide among gay/bi men is a serious and distressing topic, one that is not talked about as much as it should be (IMHO)

As a single, celibate, 65-year old gay man, I will admit to you all freely that many, many times I have thought of suicide as a way to end my decades of pain, rejection, and frustration, stemming from being a gay man in a largely straight world.

A physical bashing by a "friend" and co-worker back in 1986 virtually destroyed my ability to seek companionship with a future life-partner.

I tried "reaching out", a decade later, but, to no avail.

It was in 2002 that I truly came dangerously close to finally ending it all.

It was only the thought of mother (may she RIP) that kept me from doing myself in.

Yes, I've gone through therapists and therapy sessions too many to count over the years, but it STILL did not change the fact that I was a GAY man in a largely STRAIGHT society.

How many times could I feel my anger, depression, and despair building up inside me, especially late at night.

WHY was I born gay?

I certainly did NOT choose to be.

I am the last surviving member of my family (my parents and both brothers have all passed before me)

12 years ago, I suffered the loss of my best friend (he was also a former co-worker) to cancer; here was a TOTALLY straight man who could care LESS that I was gay.

We truly bonded together as brothers, and thought of each other as family.

Even now, 12 years later, the loss still cuts deeply.

Though I do have a few "phone friends" (none of whom live close) I have no "flesh-and-blood" friend or companion in the "physical" sense.

I have always been celibate, too afraid to trust, to truly afraid to even ATTEMPT to trust, especially given the fact that I was, for no reason, suddenly "cut" by two platonic male friends......this STILL hurts to this day.

I live, basically, as a recluse, only going out to run errands once or twice a week.

At least I know, that, behind my locked door, I am SAFE....NO ONE...in ANY form, will hurt me again.

Even though I am far from the sharpest knife in the drawer, even I know that NO relationship can survive without TRUST.

The few "friends" I DO have at present could easily live without me, and this is VERY painful for me to admit.

I will indeed risk my life to save the life of another, but do NOT ask me to trust.

When my time comes to "cross over", I indeed hope I give my life in the saving of another's.

I truly believe that it is most dignified death a man can experience, giving your life so someone else may live.

Regarding suicide among gay/bi men, I feel that it is the height of insensitivity and cruelty, when a man wants to end his life to finally put an end to all the pain and suffering a bigoted, unjust world has inflicted upon him.

I've read of too many instances where family and "friends" fall far short of the love, understanding, and support that gay/bisexual man, especially one harboring suicidal thoughts, rightly deserves.

I do thank you, friends, for taking the time to read these words.......

"Live long and prosper"

 

"Males in the U.S. take their own life at nearly four times the rate of females and represent 79% of all U.S. suicides. Suicide is the seventh leading cause of death for males in the United States. Gay & bisexual men are at even greater risk for suicide attempts, especially before the age of 25. A study of youth in grades 7-12 found that lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth were more than twice as likely to have attempted suicide as their heterosexual peers. Some risk factors are linked to being gay or bisexual in a hostile environment and the effects that this has on mental health."

Suicide and Violence Prevention Among Gay and Bisexual Men | CDC

Once the suicide worm gets into your head, it never really leaves; always lurking in the background. Please take care of yourself and each other.

988 Lifeline

The Trevor Project

May all beings transcend all suffering and know peace.

 

I believe it to be true February 20 2020 I tried to commit suicide. My wife had found out about what I had been doing and living a double life. my shit hit the fan rock bottom I was ashamed at what I had don’t and felt like I couldn’t live with myself. I took several subscription pain pills drank a lot of vodka and had tied a belt around my neck in hopes of when I passed out it would have then strangled me. Listening to Linkin Park “In the end it really doesn’t matter” over and over. I did pass out but luckily my wife had come home early and found me. Rushed to the hospital and then on suicide watch.
Today I’m thankful it was the closest I’ve been to death. Also the most selfish the hurt I caused to my wife and all I could have left behind. I’m very thankful.
I’m still with my wife we have worked through things but as you can tell if you had read my other posts I was still struggling with my same sex desires.
After alot of therapy I’ve honestly think Im on the right track. My same sex desires are going away my gay porn use has stopped and that was a big contributor to it. Realized I’m a sex addict I now go to SA. I also know I want to stay with my wife and be in a normal relationship and faithful. I don’t deserve her and she doesn’t deserve to ever be hurt like that again so thats my goal. From time to time I do get those cravings for same sex but I just read my SA book and try to get busy doing something productive.
“In the end” suicide was not the answer and I’m glad I’m still here..

 

MJ:

We are ALL glad that you are still here with bus.

KEEP STRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are, obviously, MUCH stronger than you realized.

Take things ONE day at a time, slow and easy, and set realistic goals for yourself.

Be well!

"LIve long and prosper"

 

The "suicide worm" is, in actuality, MORE than a worm; it is a highly-venomous serpent, hell-bent on destroying you.

Trust me, my friend, I KNOW.

The antidote?

Hidden reserves of inner strength, resilience, and willpower.

papa:

There is NO SHAME in admitting "weakness"; it is more, IMHO, "vunerability" than anything else.

And that is something we ALL are, at some point in our lives, NO exceptions.

Remember that you have many friends here (and I am certainly one of them); what happened to you I wish had never occurred....you did NOT deserve that, my friend.

Just stay strong, take a DEEP breath or two, and move ahead....I know you have the resilience to do so.....

"Live long and prosper"

 

Piobaire:

Sadly, your statistics are far too true , these days.

How truly senseless.......and cruel.......that ANY individual, most especially younger folks, are made to feel so worthless and deviant by today's narrow-minded society, that they can see no respite from their ongoing pain except by ending their lives.

If only we could, somehow, exterminate hatred and bigotry, once and for all...................

"Live long and prosper"

 

"Be there for each other"........four simple words that speak many, many volumes.

How valuable is the support, care, concern, and friendship of others, when life is dealing us yet another harsh blow......you simply cannot put a price on friendship, support and caring.......far more valuable than all the world's greatest riches.......

"Live long and prosper"

 

Papa:

As you have (sadly) found out, the unexpected can truly blindside you, and leave you in a state of bewilderment and utter confusion.

Relationships, like the individuals involved, are often QUITE complicated, and, many times (from reading the experiences of other fellows) are often rife with hidden minefields, ready to go off without a moment's notice.

There is, also, NO weakness in you; like all of us mere mortals, you are VUNERABLE to emotional hurt, but that DOES NOT mean you are weak....not in the slightest.

You got HIT....and hit HARD.....BUT....it is important for you to remember that YOU did your best to make this relationship work, and that is all that can be realistically expected from anyone.

Stand tall, good friend, I am sure better times are coming, which you CERTAINLY deserve!

"Live long and prosper"

 

More than 50% of trans and non-binary youth in US considered suicide this year, survey says

2022 U.S. National Survey on LGBTQ Youth Mental Health by State

• In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is at 800-273-8255 and online chat is also available. You can also text HOME to 741741 to connect with a crisis text line counselor. A list of prevention resources can be found here.
  
  
• The Trevor Project’s trained crisis counselors are available 24/7 at 1-866-488-7386, via chat at TheTrevorProject.org/Get-Help, or by texting START to 678678
  
  
• In the UK and Ireland, Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org or jo@samaritans.ie. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is 13 11 14. Other international helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org.

 

Again, thank you for posting these (troubling) statistics, my friend.

It simply goes light-years beyond my comprehension why people simply cannot be WHO they are without fear of rejection, ostracizing, or, suffering even greater consequences.

The dedicated and selfless individuals who work the "lifelines" are, indeed, heroes and heroines in their own right.

It is almost as if the human race is trying to exterminate itself through hatred, intolerance, and violence......we are, indeed, heading back to an era of barbarism and savagery......so much for the technology-advanced 21st century......

"Live long and prosper"

 

"If we cannot help ourselves, how can we expect to help others, in times of great need?" (I'm quoting myself, here)

That is why we MUST dig deep into our inner cores to tap into our reserves of hidden strength and courage, to not only help ourselves under times of tremendous emotional trauma, but, also, to help others, who are also in dire need of the help from a caring, concerned individual......we MUST all HELP each other!

:Live long and prosper"

 

MJSkier sending good, peaceful thoughts your way!
Realize that people want you here on this earth!
There is always someone who appreciates you in their life, even if you don't hear from them often. The mere thought that you are around and living gives them comfort.
I wish you well in your healing process!

 

I indeed SECOND this, my friend!

You are MORE than wanted, here on this planet, and, ALWAYS remember, YOU have FRIENDS here!

"Live long and prosper"

 

I read your posts, @thepapasmurph & @MJSkier, the day you posted them, and it's been often on my mind to reply, but I couldn't until now because it is a very raw, painful subject for me. Not only have I had people close to me and around my age commit suicide in the last 10 years, but I myself came very close, twice.

After struggling throughout my preteens and teens on getting a girl to go on a date with me, and often just to dance with me at school dances, and after striking out, repeatedly, in dance clubs in my late teens and early 20s, and sometimes even leaving the clubs profoundly disappointed in myself for chickening out so many times, I finally had enough. What a supreme loser I was! So I went down to the falls in one of the most popular suicide locations, Niagara Falls (I actually lived and grew up a 5 minute drive from the falls themselves), wrote a suicide note while sitting in the car, left all my keys, wallet, etc. in the car, and walked to the edge. ...I don't know what, but something stopped me from throwing myself in.

That loser's streak continued for a few years to come, but when a girl showed interest in me, not too long after I had given up on looking, I couldn't believe it. So I finally lost my virginity at 27, and had my first girlfriend. But it was a very rocky relationship, and she broke up with me more than once, and there were other issues like the fact that she had her own issues that led to her to just not liking sex, and found oral sex, giving and receiving, gross. It was the third and most difficult time (we were talking about marriage) that she broke up with me that led me on a 5 month road trip, during which my gay feelings erupted.

But I still chased women, and that ideal of marriage, children, career, and a white picket fence. But the failures continued, usually after the first date, and certainly with no sex or even making out with any of them, all of which time and again pushed me back into the bathhouses etc. for gay oral sex, and finally losing my gay virginity, as a top, in 2013. Because of all these failures with women, and actually quite a number of disappointments with men, and confusion about my own sexuality, and basically complete failures in virtually every other front in my life, that I had almost daily suicide thoughts for decades. Almost no day would go by without me imagining many different ways to kill myself, and especially the ways to cause myself the greatest amount of pain. My only distraction was gay porn, gay fantasies, and going out to the many different sex venues to fulfil my gay fantasies. And this is all despite the fact that I continuously saw many different kinds of psychiatrists and psychologists, and was on many different kinds of meds.

In 2016 I finally met another woman who was interested in me as well. I finally had sex with a woman again, and had another girlfriend, despite her knowing of my bisexuality past. But it was a rocky relationship again, with many break-ups.

It was partially these relationship difficulties with her that allowed my gay feelings to never subside, but instead led me to read and write in forums like this, and look at and post gay porn in my Tumblr account. One day, just as I had guests on their way to my place for a visit, she called me to confront me with her discovery of my Tumblr account. She had suspicions and decided to do extensive research, and finally found me, even though it was an anonymous account. It wasn't necessarily the gay photos and videos that I posted, but the detailed comments that I attached to them, revealing all my hidden gay desires, desires that were far greater than she ever thought. But it was based on fantasy. It's hard to describe what I felt during and after that phone call, but it was some kind of mixture of humiliation, profound shame, and anger at the violation into my privacy, the deepest and most personal privacy within me. After the phone call ended, I was beside myself with feelings, all very negative. I think it was quite similar to what you were describing, @thepapasmurph and @MJSkier. But the doorbell rang and I had to attend to my guests. I had no idea how I was going to get through it. But there were times during the visit where I could have my body turned away from them, and then tears were just streaming down my face as I was planning my suicide as soon as they left. That's all I could think about. I just thought my life was over. There's no rationale to it. It was just raw emotion, pure feelings that led to tiny bit of thought--a 100% determination to kill myself by driving once again to near the Falls edge as soon as they left, and throwing myself over, once and for fucking all.

But once again something stopped me. I think it was that same thing that stopped me the first time. I determined after that first time that it was an actual being, my Spiritual Guide, that stopped me the first time, and once again intervened now by channelling a story through one of my guests about an experience he had, a profound spiritual experience, while helping these needy folks. I don't remember any of the details, given my mind at that time, but it sparked a little virtuous seed within me, and the suicidal thoughts drifted away. To say that this experience was profound would be an understatement.

So I would like you, Papa, and others to take perhaps a little inspiration from this. I believe everyone has a Spiritual Guide in some form or another, somebody looking out for them, and we just have to have some faith, and then know that he or she will be there for us at the worst of times, even if we're nowhere near thinking about them or asking for help in those moments. I believe they have the ability to bless our mind.

The other thing that I have come to understand is that suicide, and even depression in general, comes from our strong attachment to our unfulfilled wishes. They're actually quite selfish minds, aren't they? It's all about me and my unfulfilled wishes--like I am SO important, compared to the great amount of suffering, much greater suffering, that so many others are going through. I am one person, and they are countless. Why do I think I'm the most important?!! That's why all the doctors say that the best thing to do when you're depressed is to just go and help someone else, like go to a soup kitchen and volunteer your help, go to the Humane Society and offer your help, and so on. It's the turning our minds away from ourselves and onto others that brings happiness. Yes, it's hard to do, especially when you are really depressed, let alone suicidal. But it is our own salvation. The side effect of helping others fulfil their wishes and help them be free from their suffering is that our own pain becomes less and we are more happy. Go figure!

It's kind of in the same way as @GrayGuy57 says:

I truly believe that it is most dignified death a man can experience, giving your life so someone else may live

 

As I have said many times before, if life for a gay man is difficult enough in 2022, it HAS to be even MORE of a CHALLENGE, not to mention a STRUGGLE, to be a bisexual MARRIED man.

I thank God your are STILL with us, my friend.

Here, in this situation, a married bi male's wife and children are also involved.

Some men are VERY fortunate indeed, if their wives are understanding of the situation, and continue to give love and support; ditto, children.

However, I have read of so many sad and tragic stories, where the wives disown their husbands, and the children following suit.

How awful and tragic!

As a single (lifelong celibate) gay man in his mid-60's, I cannot even begin to fathom just how difficult it must be for a married bi male to "come out" .

Too, it is important to remember how many GAY men have married and have had children, trying to conform to a society, that is far too often, far too judgemental, narrow-minded, and prejudiced.

To all bisexual married men, I wish them supportive families and friends; stand STRONG and stand PROUD.

It is, of course, a formidable battle to be fought, and it can ONLY be fought by utilizing one's courage, dignity, and honesty.....

"Live long and prosper"

 

Read these great words of wisdom from an old Native American saying (it speaks many volumes):

"......treat all men alike. Give them an even chance to live and grow. All men are created by the same Great Spirit Chief. We are all brothers. The Earth is the mother of all people, and all people should have equal rights upon it......."*

(Chief Joseph)

*If only we could all embrace these great and powerful words..........

"Live long and prosper"