Initially I had mixed feelings about this, but now I'm pretty well steeped in anger and bitterness... A little background, this pertains to the grocery store, and the cost of alcohol. $$$ View attachment 346492 But before I was old enough, we didn't pay for beer; not with any regularity. We didn't always have beer either. But I remember... Have you ever done a "beer run?" View attachment 346493 The idea is simple: You've gone into the store, and simply decided to run out with the beer. And while the idea is immoral, I have decided that this is a forgivable offense. Wait a minute... At the very least, there might be a conflict of interest. Indeed... your light-hearted innocent tomfoolery is illegal, and technically forbidden by God in a variety of religions and cultures. So, where does that put us? I have stolen. Now what becomes of that? Does it begin to characterize my person? Does it color my job interviews or my relationship with God or my marriage? What about burglary then? Is that now also innocent tomfoolery? Certainly not. I personally did this in many stores, but for one store in particular I went back. I asked them what I could do to make it right. But without the fear of God in my heart, they wouldn't budge. They couldn't see any resolve in my spirit and determined that no... nothing could be done to fix it. That's right... no amount of restitution could fix the errors I had committed. Have you ever done a "beer run"?
Well, honesty, right? SO. I'll tell you now... Initially, I wanted to address a social conundrum. There seems to be a trend in the court of public opinion as it were (this in southern California, but likely elsewhere too) to hold people accountable. For me, this is awkward because it goes into historical SoulCompromise (well before I joined hip, or suicidegirls, or even 4ravers or Candykids/Ravemedia etc. where I had a different screen name. Anyway...). And there in earnest, seems to be a very public awareness of my crimes against humanity. The stealing, the promiscuity, the infidelity, and of course the visiting of illicit websites (do I have to post the pornhub clicks bar graph in every post?). Spoiler The point is this: I'm never (not ever...) going to be more ready to move on and commence living in amnesty (I didn't always get caught), and frankly I'm not interested in approaching another merchant (or person) I've stolen from. This was in the late 90's, I was on meth and acid, and my behavior paralleled the description of juvenile delinquency pretty well. Forgiven? No. No, quite clearly not... I can't go a day without being reminded that fair is fair, and that I did things that I should be ashamed of... Ashamed. Do I want to spend eternity in shame? Reminded every day that I stole or was promiscuous or of infidelity (cheating)? I am trying to drive 65 on the freeway, acknowledge ever person I interact with to their satisfaction; at work and at home, and making every possible effort to align myself with being a "good" husband who works, talks to his wife, and cares about social problems. I cannot get enthusiastic about being steeped in bitterness with a limited/effected quality of life due to something that transpired 20+ years ago. It's asinine! That said, can I forgive myself? Not exactly. I stole from people; not just beer runs. People who tried to get me to buy their dope did not always get the full weight they paid for; not even close... Duley noted*. Can we focus on something relevant now? I have honestly lost faith in most of American members of society. Everyone seems to be aware of my transgressions and literally unable to move past it. They know what I've done, and like a rubbernecker at the scene of an accident, they keep looking on. What will it take for me to move past it? Money? Power? Does that even seem fair? Only the wealthy can move past their personal histories? I think what is occurring to me is that the freeway has its head up its ass.
