been feeling suicidal

too long story, it stretches out throughout my entire so far lived life. had the worst day today, my depression which had gone away for a few weeks came right back. feel so shit, been fantasizing about suicide for ages now, but i aint got the balls to do it, nor do i want to. i like life, i just hate mine. i know everything will be different when im 18, but waiting 1 year has been so long and ive still got 3 left. i think i will either die or become crazy if i reach it. i want to live, but not like this

 

Dude, take it from me, your friends and family would miss the living fuck out of you. Think about what they would go through too. It fucking sucks. It really fucking sucks.

What drugs are you currently on? A lot of them lead to this kind of thing. Do you do E lots?

 

ive never done xtc no, id love to, but havent had a chance. my mum would benefit, because im just a liability. my dad would not care, he left us ages ago- and i hate his living guts. my friends, pffft, theyre retards. i know 2 people, just 2 people, and both of them kinda like mean the world to me. one is this guy, hes 24- ive known him since i was like 5, my mum and his mum been friends for decades. other, a 13 year old, who lives about 1500 miles from me. both the best, smartest, most interesting people i met in my fucked up pathetic little life

 

i have loads of pot btw, but i aint smoked any for 3 days now

 

Honestly, man everyonefeels this way at some point in their life. It can be tough, but once you start to think that all we really are is complex forms of energy, and the air around us is simply energy, you realize that everyone and everything is simply one thing. We are all one never ending big blob of energy, you start to think "why THE FUCK am i worried about these bullshit societal problems"- i know its tough man, but this SOCIETY is tough- and i guarantee 99.9999999% of ur problems are linked to this bullshit society...which is basically a game. Now- if 99.99999% of ur problems were linked to Grand Theft Auto Vice City, that would be seen as absurd, but its really almost the same thing. It certainly can get tough, but PLEASE recognize that NONE of this shit REALLY matters- its just a game man so roll those fuckin dice and have a great time doin it!

 

^ sorry, but that is the most stupid statement i ever read

 

i dont have society problems, and i havent felt like this once in my life, ive been feeling like it ATLEAST once a month. i had major depression when i was 8, it lasted till now, my problems are not about society, allthough society is a problem imo. anyone who been here for some time has read some of my stories and shit.

it would take too long to explain. im not going to cut my wrists guys if i can help it. im just saying how im feeling, and im feeling like cutting my wrists

 

Your life is better than the life of 95% of the world when speaking in terms of basic survival needs. Be grateful... yes, it gets sad once in a while, and yes... shit happens, and yes everyone is depressed at 15... but it will end, don't worry about that... and take it easy on the drugs, they are truly not the answer to your problems.

 

IM NOT ON FUCKING DRUGS. AND IM NOT SOME FUCKING TYPICAL 15 YEAR OLD POT HEAD, and yes i might be able to survive, as in have food, water, and some fucked up roof. but u have no clue, my life can barely be called life, im existing until blair lets me get a job and a place to live, which is when i turn 18.

 

Yet again... you life has been better than the life of most 15 year olds in the world. You never had to work 24/7 just to feed yourself, you never had to feel true hunger, you never had to go through war, you never had to go through constant abuse, you like can easily be called "life".

I'm not saying that you have no right to feel depressed, ofcourse you do. This modern is fairly depression... people used to be distracted by hard work and the need to survive... now people actually have time to think about the state of the world and the state of their lives.

Believe me, even if you did have a rather tough life, it will only make you a stronger person in the future, which is truly an advantage. Learn to get over your self-pity... you are victimizing yourself too much and not seeing the positive in your situation. It's much easier to feel sad than to try to feel happy, make the effort.

...and the drugs... pot and depression don't mix, no matter if you are a typical stoner or not... pot just temporarily clouds your problems and distracts you from them while what you truly have to do is to face them.

Anyhow, talk to your school shrink, he might help you out.

 

"If your going through hell, keep going."

 

Oh yeah, and BraveSirRubin is exactly right, his posts in this thread are right on the money. In my opinion.

 

I gotta (at least partially) agree with Rubin there

your life could be a helluva lot worse
and it will get better

hold on to those thoughts

 

it could be worse true. but it could be a helluva better.

 

The life of every single being on this earth could be a helluva better.

The sadness you experience now will make it much easier for you to appreciate happiness which most people with "normal" lives just do not notice.

 

Sorry to be a dick but: You really are a typical 15 year old. I've known plenty of people like you and they thought/think they are the only people feeling the way they feel. Well that's not even close to the truth. When I was 14 and 15 I thought about killing myself many times, but like you I was "chicken". Once you become 18 it really doesn't get that much better (believe me) and you realize how much people actually care for you and how much working for a living sucks ass. So, just be grateful for what you have.

 

^
a. u dont know me, so no im not a typical 15 yer old
b. what i have at the moment, is probably worse than u imagine. i dont live in some mansion u know, i live in a house, with some tennants. my room is tiny, i can barely turn around in it. 2 years ago this house was great, me, my mom and dad lived in it. he then ran off with some bitch. now my mum can barely support herself, talk about me.
c. i dont think im the only one, but i dont think you get many people in a situation like i am either.

 

who gives a flying FUCK if he is depressed while little african kids are fighting for their lives

who cares if he is in a better situation then most and still cant stand it?

HE WAS BORN INTO THAT SITUATION, like who the fuck are you to say somone should be greatfull for what they have, the world is what it is, some are poor some are rich, the world is what it is and fucking saying things like oh, you should be greatfull because of some fuckin kids dieing from Aids fighting in a genocidal war in Uganda has a shittier life then him means he should appreciate it? hell, the child fighting for his life in a guerilla war may even feel better about himself because he doesnt know the pains of moden society.

the world aint changing, people arent changing, so care about your fucking self, and not people who have no effect on your own life, nor can u help them, provide for them, or make them feel better, because the world creates places and situations for people like that, and thats how it is.

 

the one time i killed myself, it wasn't a very pleasent experience. i'd avoid committing suicide if i were you. The after life is a dick.

 

Read this. This saved a good friend of mine once..


http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/